Don't want to but its getting hard.. *Trigger warning*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Sparrow91, Oct 10, 2013.

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  1. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    I don't know if this is where i should post this but its relevant
    So i haven't cut in 10 days. Its taking a toll on me I guess you could say. I cried last night because i'm so filled with, i don't know how to explain, i feel like im going to explode!
    I haven't been sleeping, I have started eating less, migraines are horrible (stress and more stress). I feel like I'm losing my mind. The cutting i know helps, but i know is bad. The only people I am comfortable to talk to is here..... sounds lonely. But even when I post here I start to feel some anxiety. Right now i am thinking about deleting this whole post, sometimes just not coming back to this site.
    I don't want to cut myself but its starting to feel like its inevitable, i can't handle all this stress, how many more days can i go on like this, lack of sleep food and concentration. I should be doing my school work and i just can't focus. I feel like i just might fail this quarter, i never fail and that makes me more nervous. I'm so afraid of failure. I'm trying but its not going well...i feel so stupid... I don't know what else to do. Running, yoga ice music art etc. I've done it all the past 10 days but its just not working this time.
    I'm falling apart and i guess i just wanted to say that, i want to right now...typing here keeps me from cutting for a few minutes (Sometimes i sit on the chat not saying a word, i'm just there so i don't feel alone, so i don't cut) but i have to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of the night most days. It sucks just staring at the ceiling for hours knowing that i have to up early and be out all day. Then i start to thinking about cutting and how it will make me feel better for the moment , the look of cuts, and i start fiddling with the metal and staring at it. It's hard. I don't want to cut but I know all to well how it ends. Such a shitty cycle i can't seem to get off of.

    thanks for listening.
  2. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    I'm not gonna pretend that I know what it's like dealing with cutting because I don't, and I'm sorry if this isn't helpful, but my thoughts are that maybe you need to keep busy with doing things you enjoy? I know you said you've been doing all those things lately, but are those things you actually enjoy doing? Is there something you could do that you really love doing to keep your mind occupied? If not, then I say just keep trying to keep occupied best you can. I'm sure it's hard, but you've already went 10 days and that's really good. I'm confident that you could do another 10, and then another 10. And again, Idk much about cutting, but is it possible that if you go long enough without doing it, the feelings of wanting to do it could lessen? If so, just try to keep doing well with it like you are now. Good luck. :)

    And I also just wanted to say, I know exactly what it feels like to be anxious about posting here and wanting to delete your posts. I feel that almost every time I post. But I keep posting because I know there's a chance I, or others, might benefit from me posting, and you just gotta keep reminding yourself of the same. Just keep thinking that, along with how you feel comfortable talking with people here, in your mind and hopefully that'll overpower the negative thoughts about posting.
  3. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Cutting is like food when your starving, bad analogy but it's a release that reallllly cad me down for a moment. Like a breather. I do enjoy those activities I've been doing, I use to enjoy them more but lately things are just bleh. the best thing is cross stitching. It keeps me super focused but I can only do it for so long. And The feelings I guess do lessen, for me at least they do sometimes. I went 6 years without doing it but thoughts were still there.l then eventually just went back to doing it again. It's always been the go to thing for me. I have these ups and downs so I start to think its unavoidable. Sure I'll be occupied for awhile but it comes back. I'm trying, thanks for having some faith in me:)
    And thanks Matt for sharing I didn't think people were nervous to post here. I get so fearful of rejection or being made fun of. I'm always afraid of being made fun of. But your comment was comforting.
  4. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    ^Well again, I can't personally relate to what you're going through, but I hope you continue to not do it. Just try taking it one day at a time, or hell, even hour by hour if you have to. Do whatever you possibly can to keep occupied. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, but if you made it 6 years before then you can absolutely do another 6 years, and even longer. I do have faith in you and you should have faith in yourself, too. Just keep reminding yourself of 6 years, 6 years, 6 years... You CAN do it. :)

    One thing you wrote really stuck out to me: "It's always been the go to thing for me." Maybe that's the sabotaging factor, that this has always been your go-to thing. If you could find a different go-to thing, I bet it'd be much easier to avoid cutting.

    Oh yeah, I bet lots of people are nervous about posting. I'm sure we're definitely not alone there. Same with the fear of rejection and being made fun of. Whenever you feel that way when you're wanting to post, just remember that you're not alone. I hope you never stop posting due to those fears.
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