don't want to die but I think it will happen

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by thmja, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. thmja

    thmja Member

    I don't want to die, for the sake of my family and my partner. But I can't keep suffering. I know I am going to take my life at some point. Why can't I just get shot driving down the road in a freak accident and die or something. That'd be less hard on my loved ones.

    Struggling so so hard not to walk out of work now and do it.
     
  2. Phil

    Phil Member

    I can relate! Most days I have very similar thoughts! But I get reminded of those who would be hurt. Please keep telling your story, I want to hear it.

    I have been so close so many times, stay curagious, stay safe! Keep talking! I really want to hear you.

    Tell me did something recently change that made it worse?
     
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am sorry that you are suffering. Can you think of little things or steps that you can take to reduce the suffering. *hugs*
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum. So sorry that you are struggling so much, please tell us more of your story and we will try and help (hugs)
     
  5. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You think the method of your demise would make a difference to your family? They would still miss you and be devastated by losing you no matter what the circumstances.

    But you are in the right place. All of us are in similar positions or are in pain or suffering for one reason or another. You are definitely not alone here in that respect. N one is going to judge you, no one is going to mock you or laugh at you, we will just help and support you any way we can. Whatever it is, we can work it out and hopefully find you a solution.

    Hang in there, take care, above all, stay safe and come back and talk to us or someone here, you will be surprised how much that will help.
     
    iam likes this.
  6. thmja

    thmja Member

    Nothing too drastic has changed really. I've always been severely depressed, it mostly comes in waves. Last time I was this depressed was the end of high school (I am now one year out of college). I identify as gay/trans (I am female, dating a woman, am not "out" as trans).

    Went through the typical horrendous divorce as a kid, bounced around from town to town since forever really. Came out as lesbian/gay to friends at 14 yrs old, family at 20 yrs old. Friends were great-family not so much. They're coming around. I have lots of siblings; dad has major depression/anxiety/social issues-- I feel I'm his babysitter, but his only constant, only friend. I am a splitting image of him, I will probably grow up to be exactly like him. That scares me.

    Studied international business and information systems in school-- hated it but invested too much and just got the degree. I want a manual type job in conservation (like trail cleaning or something).

    Want to start living how I feel-- like a boy, man, but it's not possible now. Family. They'd never accept me and it is really important for me to have them in my life.

    I live with my girlfriend; she is wonderful, sticks by my side, it's so supportive. We do fight a lot though. Neither of us knows how to give in when we have differing opinions. But we are working on that and definitely getting better.

    I'm seeing a therapist currently. I've been on and off meds since I was about 10. I hate the meds so so much. Half of them make my psychotic (ie literally pulling out my hair) and the other half make my ears ring, my head throb, eyes not being able to focus, just things to make it a bit difficult to function day by day. Trying to be happy without the pills.

    Anyway, that's about me, haha, since you asked.

    Thank you for all the support, it means so much.

    I don't really have anyone to talk to (yes, my girlfriend, but I burden her so much with my moods I don't want to keep doing this to her). I don't have any friends at all. Thank you for listening, and for the support, it is greatly appreciated :)
     
    iam likes this.
  7. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Listening and support.......its what we do :D

    Its good to know a little more about you and your life, thanks for taking the time to explain.

    Meds are difficult because there needs to be balance, but they also need to be effective in what they are trying to achieve. My own are in a stage of flux whilst we try to find some of that balance. Its a slow process and I do sometimes wonder just why I am taking these pills. In fact, the Diazapam I threw in the bin because it was doing nothing but make me feel lethargic. But hopefully, we will get the meds sorted out. I constantly talk to my psych about meds, it might be worth talking to your own therapist and trying to find some alternatives that dont have so many side effects?
     
    iam likes this.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @thmja No need to thank us, that is what we are here for, i'm glad you have a partner, that's important to have someone close to and relatively understands. If you ever need someone to talk to we are all here for you, I don't really have friends either so I can relate. I hope things pick up for you soon.Do you get along well enough with any of your siblings to tell them the mental pain you are going through? I wish you the best of luck for now and for the future.
     
  9. thmja

    thmja Member

    The meds are a constant battle haha. I've tried many many different kinds. It seems there's no more options for meds left, but I will consider talking to her about it again. Right now I'm tying to Go it without the meds- au naturale lol.

    I sometimes talk to my older sister (I am second to oldest) but she is a bit self absorbed with her own problems (understandably) And she doesn't really accept my trans-ness. It's alright. I'm used to holding it all in lol
     
  10. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Are there any LGBTQ support groups near you?
     
  11. thmja

    thmja Member

    Yeah there is one that meets once a month, I'm gonna try to get to, just keep missing it hah. I also joined a discussion board (like this) for trans people, that helps