...I have finally realised that I lurch from one crisis to another, one addiction to another and that the never ending cycle of thoughts going on and on in my head is what makes me suicidal. I realised that this will continue and continue right up until the day I die, whenever that it, I actually thought that even if I got to be an old lady, I will probably be in the nursing home obsessing about whatever is going on there. A doctor years ago said that I have OCD, that most people who feel suicidal have OCD and I think he was spot on in what he said. So, knowing this, being able to articulate it, why do I STILL, STILL, STILL beat myself up so badly with drink, bulimia, obsessive thoughts and continual worry over things that often, often, don't happen at all or are never as bad as what they seem? Self awareness is great but effed up if I still go on in the same way. Believe me, I try every day to be ok and some days are ok but lately things have got very bad again. I am sick of therapy, reading self help books, talking to people, nothing seems to change, all I get are minutes of peace and calm, not whole hours or days, even my sleep is tormented. I used to wonder why people posted on here when there is little any of us can do to help someone saying they cant take it any more. And now I am kind of doing it, just saying though that I actually dont want to die but I wish I could stop my brain from over processing so much. I really really do. I dont drink, take drugs but food is my complete weakness and I am afraid it will eventually kill me. I dont know what to do any more.