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Don't want to do it, but I think it's the only solution

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TryingtoHangOn, Sep 20, 2012.

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  1. TryingtoHangOn

    TryingtoHangOn New Member

    I'm very suicidal as I write this, but it's been a very long and well-thought out process. I have always been relatively happy and a survivor, but I now find that life simply will not allow me to move forward. I may not be alone in this.

    I'm a single, middle-aged woman (over 50) who has no family or children. I've sailed through life alone, and at times have even surprised myself at how resilient I was. Life has now put me in a position of no return, and I fear that I have to commit suicide, since I care too much about myself. Honestly.

    I have always had to support myself, like most people. It hasn't always been easy, but I'm intelligent, was resourceful and had physical energy. I made my way, and we usually hired when I interviewed for a job. After being laid-off from my corporate job over two years ago, I have been struggling - and I mean STRUGGLING - to find a job - any job.

    Many of you may understand what's happening: Age discrimination coupled with an unbearable economy has left me with one choice: To go live in a homeless shelter and wake up every morning just trying to survive. I have gone through all of my savings (which I am thankful I had at least) paying rent, food, insurance, etc. for almost 3 years now. I have sent out HUNDREDS, possibly thousands of resumes with carefully worded and creative cover letters. Silence. Nothing. I have had a handful of interviews that were the result of successful "phone interviews" at first. The moment the interviewer saw that I was over-50, forget it. Mind you, I'm an attractive, well-groomed, healthy, relatively young-looking 50 years old -- but, I'm still 50.

    I've tried EVERYTHING -- E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I've tried taking classes (spend a few thousand dollars) to update skills, certifications, you name it. I've been creative and tried to market myself (I have done freelance writing in the past.) Nothing. Nada. One brick wall upon another.

    I am exhausted and worn to the nub. I've tried to get mental help but was served with platitudes and no real, viable constructive advice. I've had a few friends who fill me with platitudes: "You must be strong..." "You must hang on..." Yada, yada, yada.... very easy for them to say as they sit in their apartments/homes, with a job, a paycheck coming in. Nice position to be perched on.

    I've talked to social services. Being a single woman, older without children doesn't help. I've spoken to clergy. Here's my reality: I must now choose between living in a homeless shelter where I fear for my life and health, or on the streets. I'm not joking. Honestly. I've tried to apply for live-in housekeeper positions, but apparently I'm too "sophisticated" or "accomplished" according to some perspective employers. And, since I've never actually been a live-in, I don't have experience. (This is not to disregard any profession, want to make that clear. It points out how people tend to put us in boxes, creating a Catch-22 with employment.)

    If you are of a certain age, do not have a job, no hope for one in the foreseeable future based on the enormous energy you've already put into your search ... where does it leave a person? Does life come down to waking up cold, hungry and trying to survive? I think for many it does? I sit in disbelief that is apparently is coming down to this for me, unbelievably frightened of the consequences.

    I can't be alone in thinking that self-love would be to end this all, and not to suffer such a fate in earth.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do not know where you are from, nor even what country, but fast food and big box stores are always looking for mature and reliable. Not great pay, questionable benefits, and limited, but to get you by. If us social service will help. Foodstamp and medicaid for certain, and multitude of options dependent on state - none likely your first choice , all better than homeless or dead.

    Your options are not exhausted, you may have run out of experience in locating the options based on non use in past. Drop me pm with general location, I will assist you in finding viable options and doing some research and phone calls, I am in no way inexperienced and unskilled with this as I worked closely with social sevices for some years.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. WeUsedToWait

    WeUsedToWait New Member

    Don't take this the wrong way...but have you tried to find a romantic partner? I'm sure there are tons of good stable men (or women) around your age or a little older that would love to have somebody like you as a companion.
  4. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    I'm so sorry to read about your predicament. That someone should feel the need to take her own life simply because she can't afford to go on living is horrifying, plain & simple. I certainly wouldn't suggest you "stay strong" 'cause it seems to me you have been very strong throughout. I'm thinking about Barbara Ehrenreich's Nickled & Dimed, On Getting By. It's already more than a decade old, but Ehrenreich was about your age when she undertook to find entry-level jobs that might support her. She cleaned motels, worked fast food, waitressed, worked as a nurses aid in skilled nursing facility, & as the other reader suggested, big box retailer, in this instance, Walmart. Possibly any one of these might be available, at least a stop-gap to keep you from landing on the streets & perhaps give you the opportunity to reevaluate things. Whatever you do decide, I wish you all the luck & blessings.

  5. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. I'm 33 not 50 but I can still relate to some of what you are going through.
    I to am single, no kids (would never want to have kids) Unfortunately living with my mom.
    I can't find a job either and I'm down to no money.
    I have been doing some babysitting through an agency when she has jobs but I haven't had many since May.
    Apparently I'm not good enough to find a consistent job somewhere. The babysitting should pick up soon as the weather will start getting nice but I'd rather have a consistent job. I will have to borrow money from my mom. I am definitely planning to end my life within a week or two after Christmas- only trying to stick around til then to hopefully get.some money coming in first and will have the needed money to kill myself with.
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