At this moment, I'm on a trip with colleagues in my hotel alone imagining myself blowing my head off; the folks I came on this trip with are all out partying it up at some local bars. Wanting to kill myself is not exactly new. I've had general feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness bordering on suicide since I was 12 years old. I'm almost 30. What's changed since pubesence has been the intensity and depth of my self hatred. The desire to blow my head off with one shot to the temple has been a minor to major obsession for the last 3 or so years. Sad as it is to say, I have more hope from sharing my thoughts with anonymous strangers online than with anyone I have in my life. I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists on and off for 10 years. Sadly, I'm still dogged by some of the same feelings. Currently, I have a new psychiatrist and have changed meds. One of the most persistent feelings I have is being perceived as a child molestor. I was in a relationship for 9 years with the victim of pedophile. It was only over the course of our relationship did it become apparent. Sometimes, in the middle of sex, she would stop and look at me like I was her rapist. She'd start crying. And every time I touched it just made it worse. Other times, everything I did was a reminder. If I tried to touch her shoulder at the wrong time, she would look at me like I had just destroyed her. Gradually, I've come to picture myself as repulsive and disgusting. Long story short, I left her and have regretted it ever since. Although that part was bad and still is, she's the only woman I have ever loved. I knew her since I was 9 or 10; and the first feelings I felt about suicide when I was 12 were connected to her. I called her 1.5 years ago. She told me she's living with her new boyfriend whom she says she loves more than she ever felt for me. Simply, she said she had no interest in ever being with me again. Even writing about this is hard. I don't have anyone in my life whom I would discuss this , outside of a doctor's office. After she rejected me, I spun out of control. I lost my job. Started smoking weed, drinking heavily and other drugs. Anything to numb my pain. I no longer drink much. I still smoke weed and cannot stop. Smoking fills my lungs--but also my core--with warmth, and that's something I Don't feel enough. since I broke up from my long-term ex. Sadly, my relationships with other women since have been disastrous. Mostly, I meet women to have sex with. I almost never meet women with whom I see sharing a deep intellectual and emotional bond, and when I do, they do not want me. Somehow, I've managed to get the best job opportunity I've ever had--starting soon in a different city--but I'm increasingly feeling like I'm doomed to fail and I've even begun picturing the site of my death. Honestly, I have long desired a painless way out. Last night, my greatest wish was to not wake up the next day. Alas, here I am. One pattern that I've fallen into is to close my inner thoughts to pretty much everyone. The people I know don't have the energy to hear the extent of my psche's problems. And I'm not even sharing some other problems yet... I don't want to create problems by dying. Don't want my family to suffer, especially my sibling. But how much longer can I live inside me? My body is falling apart, even though I'm not even 30. I'm obese now. Hair is falling off my head in patches. I cough uncontrollably from smoking. And my mind, of course, is even more pained. I feel like I want to be a productive member of society. And if I were cured one day--magically--I could do great things. I know there's people out there with so many worse problems and less opportunities. I want to live long enough to help people worse off than me. But every day, I'm in a battle to save my own life. If you have any helpful advice for me, please help me.