Don't want to feel this way

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mid20sgirl, Nov 13, 2011.

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  1. mid20sgirl

    mid20sgirl New Member

    I don't want to do this. I don't want to put my mom and sister through another suicide. When I was six years old, my dad committed suicide. It hasn't been easy on any of us, and it's almost been 19 years. To put my mom and sister through a suicide it would be cruel. The thought of what that would do to them stops me from doing it, but it doesn't help the thoughts.
    I want to do it right now, but I know I can't. I am tired of life. I have no friends, and I try to meet new friends but people don't like me because of the way that I look. I am not a beautiful girl at all, and I have been getting made fun of since I was 12 years old for it. I get called nasty, disgusting, I get barked at, and people are a lot ruder to me for it. When I was 15 I swallowed a bunch of pills but ended up throwing up afterwards. And I felt guilty anyway, because I knew about my dad.
    I think about suicide almost daily, though I try not to. Today I was walking home from the store, and some guy said "Ooh fresh meat, boys. Stupid ugly b****!" And then he and his friend started to howl really loud.

    I am 25 years old, and I am done with it all. I can't do anything about my face. I am a clean person. I shower everyday. I wear make up. I wear nice clothing. I work out. I use a hair straightener to straighten my hair. Basically, I don't walk around looking horrible on purpose. I try as hard as I can to look nice, and hope that people will accept me, but they just don't. I moved to this city to get away from my old town, because I was treated like crap there because of my looks. I had things thrown at me from a car the one night, and I decided, screw this, I am done with this town. THis city will be a new beginning for me, and new friends.

    I've tried meeting new people, but they just won't give me the time of day, except my co-workers. Those are the only people who will talk to me because they have actually taken the time to get to know me. However, I only get to hang out with them once and a while.

    I just want to be like any normal 25 year old single girl. I want to be able to go out and have fun at night without being called nasty. I am too scared to go out anymore because of the way I am treated. I try to only go out at night, but I'm finding not even that works. There is always someone out there making fun of me.

    I am already really stressed out right now as it is, and then having people yell at me that I am ugly, it isn't helping. I bawled my eyes out for an hour after those guys bothered me.

    I just don't see the point in me being here. Why be alive if people are going to keep bothering me for my looks? Why be here when I have no friends? I've never been in a relationship, and probably never will. I just feel so alone. I keep wondering why I go on when I am not really living anyway. I spend most of my time in my room sleeping, reading or going on the computer. All my friends are on the computer because they can't see my face.

    However, I've gone on the internet to get advice on what I should do about this. I want to know how to not let this stuff bother me, but I get told that I am probably not ugly and it's probably just in my imagination that I get made fun of. I once had someone say that people don't call random strangers ugly. Well, they do. I try to talk to my sister about it, and she tells me to get over myself because there are worse things in life then to be called ugly. My mom tells me I am beautiful.

    I don't even know what advice I am getting from here. All I know is as soon as I calmed down, I typed suicide into google and this forum came up. And I am starting to feel better after typing a lot of this, but I still feel upset about this.

    I live a good life, I am a nice person. I am helpful, I treat people with respect. I loan money out to people if they need it. My co-workers all love me because they think I am funny, and I have a good personality... so why me? If there is such a thing as karma, what did I do to deserve this lonely life where I get made fun of, one time had things thrown at me, and one time even spit on by some kids. Why? I didn't choose this life, and if it were up to me, I'd be beautiful. So why can't people just leave me alone and let me walk down the street without being ridiculed for my looks?
     
  2. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    I'm glad your here, I am somewhat new as well and have found it to be very helpful. I can relate to you in a lot of ways and I share your pain. I was tormented when I was younger for being overweight and unattractive. I can still hear the cruel words echo in my mind, drowning out all the good things people would say to me to make me feel better.
    I can also relate because last year, my mother commited suicide very unexpectedly. I have since often considered doing the same. She was my best friend and I miss her tremendously. I have no father or siblings so I really have no close family left. Thankfully, regardless of my physical inperfections, I do have a husband and two kids who love me for the person I am and I could not cause them anymore pain than what they have already been through. But it is still a struggle.
    You are a good person with a good heart, hold that dear to yourself. I don't know why people feel they need to hurt others with their cruel words and actions. But u mentioned karma, and I do believe in that. It will catch up with them, and it will catch you as well. Keep being the beautiful person that you are and life will reward you. Your co-workers may be a good source of support for you. Maybe suggest having a fun dinner night once a month and go out after dinner. When you are surrounded by people who you are comfortable with and like you it may make it easier to get out there. Use them to help build your confidence, a bully can spot a victim a mile away just by their bodylanguage.
    Well, I'm rambling again. Keep sharing your story with us, you are not alone :hug:
     
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