Dont want to go back

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by spidy, Dec 26, 2012.

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  1. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Have to report back to the hospital tomorrow as i got let out on leave under supervision.If i go back and see shrink he might keep me there as if i dont go back they will send police out too find me.When i was admitted this time around i never went in quietly as i m so frustrated with the system.I threatened to leave and was locked up in a room with just a bed thats when i went off my nut and started.Whats the point of putting me in hosp do nothing then just send me back out.Nothing in my shithole world will change.I take my pills and shit yet i still go down to the point I just loose control and start irrational thinking which then becomes a smoke screen and i either attempt or self bloody harm.They never reassess my meds whats the point.Ive tried going back to work yet depression kicked in bad yet i tryed to persevere but in the end got too much.I get so pissed off at myself for being so goddam head fcked.One minute i have the strength off a bull next i m just so overwhelmed and down that i just dont care and it always seems stronger the more i fight the more i go down.Anyway just dont know what to do might skip hosp and see what happens.I have a million and one things spinning around in my head i dont need there crap on top of it all.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you find the courage to go back, even though I know it's not what you want to do. Can you meet with a doctor and let him know that you feel your meds need to be readjusted. Maybe print out your post so they can see exactly how frustrated you are, how the system has let you down time and time again.
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I would but cant see the point they just feed me the same bullshit time and time again i saw the shrink on mon he said nah we ll just keep you on the same meds.I did tell him they dont stop me from becoming suicidle and dont seem to calm me at all.Just really dont know seems nobody really gives a hoot.My dumb arse councillor is no help treats me like a dumb arse.Nobody seems to get it and it all is getting me so goddam upset to the point i m just going to have to accept i m always going to loose the plot.I dont mean too i really cant drag myself out of real low moods and i get so down i cant think straight and i end up harming myself then i end up feeling like a dumb arse.I tryed ringing lifeline when ive been in these moods and they have tracked my calls and sentpolice around and i end up in hosp.Just a dumb arse vicious circle.I m sick of telling docs shrinks the same shit.I cut m drinking rght down taking there advicedidnt help much as i used to only drink heavy when i was real low so they blamed alcohol.Told them some days even weeks i wont go out doors and this is when i havnt been drinking they just try palming it off as an easy fix we ll just blame that.What i said in above post ive told shrink and doc.Just has me fcked and i ve given up on all there so called help.Hosp sux as ya just sit there and wait till they think ya better then ya released nothing gained nothing achieved just been away from home i dont get it.I know i have to try and help myself too but as ive said i cannot control my thoughts and sometimes my actions somehow i get overpowered by them i just see releif .Its all very hard to explain and hard for ppl to understand.I mean i wish i understood what the hell goes on in my head.But with the crap that circles around in my thoughts going 100mph it all gets over whelming different crap difgferent thoughts over and over never stops past events future events everyday crap all trying to happen at the same time it really gets overwhelming frustrating especially at night when trying too sleep.They say get a job tryed that makes it worse as very low concentration on what im doing adds to the rushing thoughs.Sorry ive ranted on to much here and it all probably sounds like i m just dribbling about fck all.I just wish it all to stop the low moods racing thghts suicidle thghts the self harming all the crap that goes with it.I hate myself for being such a screw up.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi spidy - I will always believe that there is hope for you because you write that "i wish i understood what the hell goes on in my head" - and I know for a fact that the medical authorities are at best limited in helping you to really understand it and get to the bottom of it in a way that makes sense to you.

    I know, because I was in the same place. And yet, I know there is still and always will be hope. It is the thinking that troubles you most, and so - together with the doctors and the meds - the other course of action, especially if you're not working and so have more time to do it - is to tell yourself that it is possible for your thoughts to become calm - (even if it seems impossible for you at the moment), you do have time on your side to make this a new reality for you.

    Words are very powerful things Gav, and therefore, the bottom line/big picture reality is that if you work on all the negative thoughts that bother you by replacing them, deliberately with better, positive, healthy thoughts, this will in time bring about your healing, together with what the doctors/meds can do for you.

    I know the truth about this Gav - I was forced to do it and take this advice seriously. I put my healing down to the fact that it does work. Every little improvement will encourage you, as you begin to see it can for you too :) I'm very willing to help you in this, and help in the 'selfhelp thought-replacement therapy' , if you would like that Gav.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun show them you can be trusted ok go back on your own hun then you won't be locked up hun you will have more freedom It will show your doctor you care enough to try hun hugs
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I bit the bullet and went in as my ex made me.Told the shrink that i would be around ppl for a few days.This was only reason they let me come home.They are putting a mental health nurse on my case which seriously i dont know will help.Still dont know what i m going to do in 5 days when i do go home to emptyness again.I walked into my house today to grab a few things and felt emptiness and depressed.My mind has been in overdrive for the last few weeks and isnt slowing so much shit just racing around even to the point of headaches.Have had a couple of panic attacks today as my ex took the kids to toyworld and to many ppl around and noise couldnt handle it i come out shaking.Trying not to show this shit when kids around also has been a big challenge and as from tomorrow my sis is coming down for a visit and again I have to try and hide all these emotions as i m not wrecking her holiday.I guess 5 days time i ll be a nervous wreck bottling all my stupid crap up inside and trying not to crack.Sorry i m raving so much just need to be able to have some release and only have here to do it at the moment do not want to show signs of breaking down while i m around my ex or sis as my ex has been told to take me bck to hosp.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You can vent here as much as you need to! :hug: Just want you to know I'm listening, and I care.
  8. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Spidy- I can relate to your confusion. Sometimes it seems like the doctors and therapists don't know what the heck they are doing and just keep doing it anyways. I hate it and wish we had a better system too. I really hope things go well with your family, but don't worry about ruining things for them. Just try to focus on keeping yourself safe. It seems like they all want the best for you too! :hug:
  9. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Everyone has gone now I have a plan.Saw my doc other day fck tht im out of here for real.My own kids treat me like shit.i Feel useless and unwanted fuck the world dont care anymore.NOBODY CARES AND I HATE FALLING APART.How at the moment dont know but wont be here for 2014 dont think i ll make much of 13
  10. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    beyond that its not true that no one cares

    being who you are i would think you are helpful to those around you .... i dont know why your children behaved the way they did as they are young and kids are mean at times... they dont understand their actions thats why they need help getting further learning more so they dont stay kids forever acting bad as grown ups.... you've met people who never grew up

    still you need to be here for you... its in your power to stay and see yourself through all this
    stay save
  11. anibarry121

    anibarry121 Member

    This sounds like exactly what I could have written, No one else to talked to because no body wants to hear.
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