dont want to go on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by urban_lily, Nov 22, 2007.

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  1. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    hi....this is my first proper post on here so I'm a it nervous about it...

    I've had ME/CFS for nearly four has ruined my life and taken everything from me. I am unable to work and although the illness varies from day to day I am often unable to walk much and need help with lots of regular things.

    I was diagnosed with depression at the beginning of this year...I was getting very dark, scary suicidal thoughts....I eventually took an overdose in May....and then two more in the following few weeks.

    When I took the tablets I felt as if it wasnt me doing I wasnt in control and these crazy thoughts were taking over.

    Anyway, I had been doing okish for a while...then I've been hit with three colds in two months....because of my illness my immune system doesnt work properly and this means I've been hit very hard with it and due to this I've been pretty low.

    For the past few days my fiance has been a bit distant with me and then yesterday evening he told me he no longer loves me like he did and can no longer cope with my illness...he wants us to split up. He means everything to me and I dont feel like I have any future without him. I'm so angry at my illness for taking away something else from me.

    Anyway, I ended up cutting myself last night (first time I've done that in about 8 months) and now I have all these thoughts building up in my head....I dont want to upset my family but I just feel I have nothing to live for. I feel that I am a burden to everyone I love and I cant cope with this illness any longer.

    I have lots of medication for pain etc and I've been sat staring at all the tablets for ages...I just want to end it all and not have to suffer this mental and physical pain any longer.

    Sorry for the long post...thanks for reading if you managed to get to the end....I'm going to try my best to distract myself but I dont know how much longer I can control this urge...
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :welcome: hun and where here to help you out hun, i'm here if you need anything hun :hug:
  3. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    thanks :)

    Well, I made it through the night so thats something....I didnt take anything and only cut myself a few times....I think it could have been a lot worse on the whole. I'm still feeling pretty fragile though. I'm worried this is just going to get harder and harder :(
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