Don't want to HAVE to hurt myself...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jen8663, Jun 6, 2009.

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  1. jen8663

    jen8663 New Member

    I should have graduated this spring... watching people in caps and gowns with family members caused me to have a panic attack. Due to transferring from a top tier school to a 3rd tier school I have accrued about 50K in debt and will have very few prospects of going to grad school.
    I have been looking for a job for the last 3 weeks, and dropped off over a hundred resumes. Nothing has come of it. Right now I make about 80 bucks a week, beg for more hours or a small promotion, but this is futile as management (middle aged women who by default want to hate me) won't cut me a break. I simply need a job that will net me 200-300 bucks a week after taxes. I used to change jobs every couple of months when I got bored, even if something wasn't lined up, I'd find one in a couple of days.

    I have panic attacks on the sidewalk after I walk into business after business and get turned away. The only people who have jobs to offer want to give me 10-15 hours a week and expect me to keep open availability for it.
    I should be looking to a REAL job at this juncture in my life, not begging for a serving job... and not getting it.

    My phone will be shut off in a couple of days, and unless I can pay next month's rent I will not have the option of renewing my lease. I can't move back home because I go to school out of state. I am already 3 semesters behind in school. I just finished a 4 week IOP and couldn't continue because I cant afford the 10 dollar a day copay. I can barely afford my medication with insurance. I eat Ramen noodles every day, and rarely finish a hold package because I feel like there is a hummingbird in my stomach, and not much room for anything else. I had to beg for money on the street one day so that I could take the train to my $8 dollar an hour job. At one point, I got into an ivy league school.

    I've had so little to work with in life, and what did have I fucked up. Last night I was talking to a friend and after I pronounced my life hopeless, she asked me if I'd ever hurt myself. All I could say is that I don't want to have to kill myself, but unless something develops in the next couple of weeks, I might HAVE to.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 6, 2009
  2. physician

    physician Well-Known Member

    oh...never give up. i had been in that situation.......

    you should always know that one day you will succeed and everything will be behind you
    we are made to be positive and the nature will always work for us
     
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I know things look tough but you can do it...there are lots of people here with stories similar....depression wrecks havoc on our lives but you have support here...come to us and we will help...plus a lot of this is about hanging in there long enough for just few key things to change and then you are on your way to feeeling better
    please let us know how your doing.
    You can PM i will be around on and off and will get back to you.

    please hang in there.
    B
     
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