dont want to live anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by takencontrol, Jul 10, 2011.

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  1. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    im sorry to everyone that knows me, sorry because i cant fight this damn illness anymore. im too tired i cant take the constant mood swings, up and down like a rollercoaster, the downs are the worst, they are killing me literally. i have had good days recently but for the past 3 weeks or so there have been no good days at all. i can cope better if im just low all the time but these lows i cant, they are so extreme, i dont know from one minute to the next what my mood is going to be. i havent felt this bad for a while and im so scared because the thoughts the mood crash brings are very forceful and i can almost hear myself talking myself into doing things to hurt myself. i dont think it even makes sense. i know i need help urgently but i dont want it, i just want to slip away quietly and stop this painful horrible existence.
     
  2. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :hug: sorry things aren't going well ... you say that you know you need help but don't want it - its part of the problem with a lot of mental health difficulties that help can be turned away - but its not you speaking in that sense necessarily hun - its the illness.... can you try and listen to the bit of you that knows you need help and try and find some regardless? im so sorry you feel bad. here if you need anything :hug:
     
  3. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    hey hun :hug: im so sorry you are feeling so bad ! i completely understand that it gets so bad u just loose the will to continue but there WILL be better days ! you will feel good again and laugh again and enjoy being alive again....you just need to rest and get some help hun im sending you love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you i do know it is so hard to carry on the fight when one hits bottom but that is when you reach out okay to anyone to help you your docs your family crisis and tell them you need help now. You reached outhere hun that is good
    Time to reach out again okay talk to someone who can bring you to hospital maybe get meds changed or go in for a couple of days until you get strength up again Hope you feel better huns soon dam cycle of depression you are low now so soon you will start to cycle upwards okay hold on.
     
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey taken control - what you say makes perfect sense - you are relating how depression has hit you - and when you say "and i can almost hear myself talking myself into doing things to hurt myself" - this is not unusual - its quite common if truth be told.

    I've been where you are right now - in fact I think meds made it worse for me but you kind of get used to accepting a few side effects at first. Maybe your on meds yourself - the tiredness you describe - the exhaustion, I found meds weakened me to the point I slept for over 24 hrs once. Woke up - and was like WTF???

    Thing is there is an old song which goes "when a man gets worry in mind - he wants to sleep all the time" Depression causes exhaustion - its the mind struggling to cope but the body soon follows and if your staying in - not going out - its easy to actually become even more depressed!

    Anyhow - if your on meds - they are not working that is for sure! It i possible you have used no meds as you say you do not need help, but in that case its worth trying something. If a med does work for you - it will be a subtle change - it offers a window of opportunity to enable you to have a little bit of energy and to be able to do a few 'normal' things'. I guess the initial aim is that you'd be able to go out more.

    At the end of the day - if you have just stayed in and done little but ruminate and procrastinate then your spirits will be at a low ebb. This is not your fault - your 'enemy' the depression is just an expert at making us feel like there is nothing left for us in life and drags us down to the level you are at right now.

    I know one thing - its not so much about fighting the depression its more about fighting to make a life for yourself. You can live with depression if you have a life that has some purpose. Finding that purpose is what we are here for.

    Apart from depression - your life must have had times when you felt some kind of hope. What puts the wind in your sails? What would you like to do if this miserable fu**** up depression was not calling the tune?

    If perchance there was a pill that made you feel almost human again - what would be your plans then?

    Sure - there is magic cure - but sometimes a change of weather - a change of luck - and you land a job, get some education course, fall in love - meet people and build a life that protects you from the darkness.

    Everyday - people who were at the point of killing themselves not so long back - are actually enjoying life and here to tell you that its not so bad.

    As for help - I know what you are saying about not wanting it but as a man I'm here to tell you that we do need help at times. You need a shoulder to cry on - someone to talk to, people to be with.

    No man is an island - don't think you need to face this alone. Some company would doubtless make you feel better and I hope that you can connect to a few people - maybe just the one person.

    Things can get better - in fact were you stand right now its a case of things not being able to get much worse. You have reached a point whereby you KNOW a change has to come.

    That change will come brother - but nurture it - tend to it and make a promise to yourself that you will find the strength to find a life and not to take a life.

    So on a practical note - visit the doctors on Monday - forget about not wanting help and man up to that one. You cannot help how you feel but you can help yourself by taking that first step out of the front door on a mission to overcome depression. Your doctor will have heard it all before - even if they are jerks - they have to play by the book if someone tells them they are depressed.

    If you are in the UK then its easy to advise you with medical care - if American its a different matter but the same first step principle exists.

    Sometimes in life - good things happen when we least expect it. You take a journey somewhere - might not even want to go - but life starts to happen when you get outside more.

    I've dealt with depression for a long time - and when in my twenties I would walk for miles of an evening instead of just sitting in and thinking about how bad things were. No matter how down I was - I always said to myself "keep walking" - and I did!

    One of my problems was thinking too much about the usual negatives - I found that the sheer energy of thinking could exhaust you physically. Walking around my town - I walked fast - I got a light sweat up for sure. My thoughts could race around - but when a man (or woman) is moving - the stimuli of the actual experience, the fresh air - the sounds and smells - the being outside - it distracts the worried mind. I'm only talking a couple of hours walking.

    With any depression - exercise can be a life saver. I'm not talking going to a gym or spending any of your precious cash on expensive things. A pair of old trainers and some loose fitting clothes is all you need to walk. I will guarantee you that IF you promise to walk a few miles each day or evening - give it a week or two - and you will feel great.

    Take it further - do not know how young you are - but I take it you are still young. If so, there are plenty of good old simple exercises which not only make us feel good but make us look pretty good also. Tone up your muscles a little - maybe even go for a run if your good for it - you will be almost at the stage of going out and maybe breaking a few hearts!

    So, hope I've helped in some way - I give enough advice and I'm sure some much make sense! If not - then that's OK - I realise that if I was really bad I might not be in the mood for anyone telling you things can get better. Makes me sound like one of those annoyingly happy people - but I assure you I'm not like that in the least.

    Good luck mate.

    Man up for the help - it took me over a decade to do that and it was the best ting I ever did. The help in my case - did not work. Meds worked in that they made me feel something in the way of not so much obsessive thoughts - but that was soon over for me - at least I am able to say 'this med did not work'. The simple process of stepping up for help - admitting you have have depression - that helps regardless.

    With counselling - this is not for me because my issues are out in the open in my own mind. A few areas of my life remain to be realised. Now I know what they are - I'm not worried so much.

    Therapy could give you skills to cope. Bear in mind I'm in my 40s - no spring chicken so have life experience that I can fall back on - plus advice from people I trust and respect. Bear in mind something like behavioural cognitive therapy is mostly common sense - but it is great for many people, especially those prone to thinking about suicide. The mind is a powerful thing - I think science says we use a limited amount of brain power but even so this is a power greater than every computer in the world daisy chained up to make them work as one.

    Last of all, I have this place just like we all do. Stick with us takencontrol and I hope more people in your situation can reassure you and me about things getting better.
     
  6. FamilyGuyFan1986

    FamilyGuyFan1986 Active Member

    Yo! I know how it feels to have something trying to take control of your life, "My thoughts of suicide have subsided! My logical mind is set in!" What I'm saying is, you gotta keep fighting to regain control of you life, as hard as it may seem. Maybe there's a part in you that wants a good fight, and you just can't get it out. Look for that part, and bring it out, because whatever illness you have, will eventually have some competition. Coming from someone with anxiety about his own mortality x.x Now that son of a gun got something it's gotta go against, that which is me. See, when you got your mind taken over by something , it's not you talking. You don't want to die. You want to live, the illness wants you to die and if you do, the illness wins. You can't let that happen, because it's getting what it wants. Instead of thinking about suicide, your should find ways of conquering your illness!

    :mushroom: 1-up! The owner of this site must be a marrrioooo fannnn.
     
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