im sorry to everyone that knows me, sorry because i cant fight this damn illness anymore. im too tired i cant take the constant mood swings, up and down like a rollercoaster, the downs are the worst, they are killing me literally. i have had good days recently but for the past 3 weeks or so there have been no good days at all. i can cope better if im just low all the time but these lows i cant, they are so extreme, i dont know from one minute to the next what my mood is going to be. i havent felt this bad for a while and im so scared because the thoughts the mood crash brings are very forceful and i can almost hear myself talking myself into doing things to hurt myself. i dont think it even makes sense. i know i need help urgently but i dont want it, i just want to slip away quietly and stop this painful horrible existence.