i'm not really sure wether anyone will reply to this or wether i will be told to pack it in and toughen up but for one random last attempt i need to see if there is a click to how to fix evrything. Thoughts have followed me since i was 12ish and i mostly shruged them off as overdramatic childishness.A few lame attempts here and there. But this past year of my life it just got bad. And last night i knew that if the gun was there. quick and simple and not drawn out, i wouldnt be typing this now.^^ As sick as it will sound, i locked myself in the bathroom while ma bf was watchin tv, grabbed a belt and looked for a way to hang myself. There was no way in that bathroom so i was stuck. I then preceeded to whip my legs with the belt. I;m overwhlmed by guilt and loathing for what ive done in my life. and feel guilty about wanting the easy way out because of the pain it would cause my mother. I'm so terrified of doing it but it feels like its the right thing to do. I was abused by older guys as a kid and i kinda taught myself that i should have relations with any guy who presented themselves that way(.=p) This made me a cheater on my bf of 4 years. and i hurt him way to much. and now him not loving me anymore just....i kno its my fault and i despire myself for it. but i cant be without him. he kept hitting me and calling me a sl_t and i flipped.he hates me so much now cuz of my stupidity and blindness. and i want to make things better 4 him and his life good. no friends no life(self isolation because im to akward socially), no family besides my adopted mother in another country.I practically dont exist i did this to myself and i deserve it if i die or live in constant rage and self loathing but one part of me needs to feel worth something again. these words didnt really show what i really meant but. ah well any advice would help me so much.