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don't want to see tomorrow

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, May 11, 2015.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Tomorrow is an "all hands" meeting for the division president which I avoid like the plague because they end long after I go home

    My boss came by my cube and in no uncertain terms "suggested" that I make every effort to attend

    Found out they want to trot me out as proof that this is a great place to work because I've been here 30 years

    Treated like shit, stripped of every single perk I ever earned, now all I'm good for is propaganda - making me sick to my stomach

    Then someone comes around to take my picture for the presentation - I couldn't do it - haven't shaved in 4 years so I don't have to look at myself in the mirror

    It's all so wrong - was finally starting to back away from a breakdown now - can't even breathe - guy on the train keeps looking at me like he's afraid of what I'm going to do

    Even now no one understands that they are all more important than me - I will hurt myself instead of anyone else

    Can't think straight - so exhausted - no good sleep in a year and insurance is dragging its heels on approving the last thing I can try

    Sick of it all - if this is all I have - pathetic life - only good as a show pony - then I don't want to see tomorrow - don't want to through this any more

    I am so fucked up that I will be better off dead - fuck everyone else - I don't care what I leave behind
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Try, if you can, to send your head elsewhere while all this is going on and keep saying to yourself "soon be over, soon be over.
    I'll keep you in my mind tomorrow and send as many positive vibes as I can.
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Head is already someplace else - just not a good place - so sick of this life - been asking God to kill me for months - guess it's up to me because he doesn't give a damn either
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Can't do this - up since 2 -made it to work but now I'm having my breakdown in the bathroom

    Can't be honest and say what's going on in my head - can't put ideas in other people's heads

    All I can see are exits and they are all so damned attractive - it would so easy, so simple

    Can't spend the day this way and I can't go home

    So easy
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Still here, take a huge breath and exhale to the count of 8
    making a whoosh sound as you do.
    Do this a couple of time taking deep breaths each time, or until you feel calmer.
    Hang in there, I'm still sending good thoughts.
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Not getting better - sitting alone at lunch crying in the corner away from everyone


    Settled on a way
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Went - actually hid in the corner - no one saw me

    Couldn't make myself enter the room - when they called my name and left to have a panic attack

    Can't remember feeling this low

    Going to sit in my car and fall apart - not sure I can pull it back together again
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    At least you got through the day.
    Let it go and try and relax.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Echo, please reach out... :hug:
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Have no one
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you take some sick leave from work for a few days?
    Just so you can rest and give yourself some breathing space.
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Too many deadlines coming up - wouldn't be given the time
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Just found out the yearly self-assessment is due in 2 days - 6 weeks earlier than last year

    That thing has nearly broken me every year for the last few years - when I wasn't already feeling this way

    Don't know what's going to happen now

    I keep hearing songs in my head but the words are changed and dark and filled with dying

    Afraid to sing
  14. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    How are you doing now?
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