don't want to start again (triggering!!)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by frantic, Oct 5, 2012.

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  1. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    until now, i hadn't cut in well over a year. i thought i was over it.

    then i tried to commit suicide twice in a little over a week by cutting my wrists.

    it was deep.

    now i'm having the hardest time fighting the urge to do it again. it scares me because of how deep i went, and i just don't think that now i will ge tthe same results with smnaller cuts. i'm scared of permanent damage. i barely avoided that this time.

    i still have a pakc of razor blades that they didn't find. i know i should get rid of them, but i just can't bring myself to do it.

    i really don't want to go there again. yet i do.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    GET RID OF THEM HUN NOW do yourself a big favor hun just throw them out you can do it hun You replace that coping skill with a postive one hun Hugs to you
  3. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    i nkow i should. and this is the first time in over a yrea that i actually have some.

    it's just.... i had forgotten how good it feels when the blood runs down my arm and drips on the floor. how satisfying it is to go deeper and deeper. this time was the first time ever that the reaction from police/firedepartment/paramedics was not 'superficial' or 'they're not that bad', but 'oh yeah, they're good', and for some reason that made me kinda.....proud, not quite the right word, but something like that.

    it's like i'm in a competition with myself, they have to get bigger, deeper, longer, more stitches/staples. stitches period. anything that doesn't require stitches is a failure and makes me feel like crap.
  4. frantic

    frantic Well-Known Member

    Bandages are off now. Now I constantly see what I did, what I'm capable of. And the cravings are so strong. How can I resist?

    Thing is, I know if I give in it will be deep, it will mean a trip to the ER.
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