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Don't want to suicide but know I have to

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cymbele, Nov 10, 2012.

  1. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    First of all I've been contemplating suicide for a long while. Got a method (fool-proof I hope) to combat the loneliness, the depression of having failed at too many things, and fear of the future without a job. Added to this losing med insurance as of Feb so i won't have meds to keep me going. the thought of being alone and having an empty life without work to keep me busy and with poeple absolutely terrifies me.

    But lately I have become resistent to the idea. thinking about it makes me cry so I know I don't want to do it. The method has to done in spring so I will have months of emptiness to get by. Watching my savings evaporate. I jsut made a major change to the will to protect my adult daughter. That's also why I have to die - so she will have enough to survive.
    I know she will be upset that I have died. I'm hoping she will get over it quickly. She has a great support system. But I don't want her to be in therapy wondering how to cope. I have started her involvment in running the house.
    I don't know why I have to write this here. Maybe b/c I know some of you have read my posts and replied and I feel comfortable writing here. I can't talk of suicide anywhere and talking of it and knowing I am heard lets a little of the stress caused by it.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hi Sarah. I am glad you have this as an outlet to give voice to your thoughts. I would voice some of my own in reference to your comments but honestly you are well grounded enough by the sound that I would simply be repeating the things you have already deduced for yourself and I suspect you know the answers or ways to make some of them better and that none of those need include killing yourself. I hope you find the strength and motivation that is often so hard to grasp to follow through with the more positive actions you can choose to pursue - even if they some times fizzle the attempt is a victory to be proud of.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Silly question perhaps, but why do you need to die so that your daughter has enough to survive? Can she not get a job? I may be missing something, so forgive me if I am. You might want to check your life insurance policy very carefully, if that is what you're banking on, because many, many of them will not pay out unless you pass by accident or natural causes. As far as hoping she will get over it quickly is a hopeful thing, but as someone who had a child choose suicide as a way out, I can tell you that I will never get over it and I live 24/7 in sadness. It is as if I passed away as well. That may be just me, so don't base your decisions on that... though I spent last weekend with 3000 other suicide survivors (parents, friends, relatives, sons, daughters of people who died by suicide), and I got the feeling none of them had gotten over it. We were at the Out of the Darkness Walk... These walks, sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, take place in most major cities across the country. Losing someone to suicide, for us who have, is probably the worst feeling in the world, and a feeling we can never shake. I'm told it is not prudent to tell this to people contemplating suicide, but I can't help but just be honest. My loss completely changed my life forever. Completely.

    Like you, I don't have medical insurance. Mine is by choice though (I am self employed and just pay my doctor bills as I go along). Many people who can't afford insurance can still get assistance. Have you checked into state funded MHMR's? If you feel of no purpose due to not having a job, have you considered volunteering? You can stay busy without a job - or you can keep applying for work elsewhere.

    I do hope that your daughter is not like everyone else and that she can get over something like this. More than that, though, I hope that you choose to find wellness as a better alternative. The very fact that you have a daughter seems a good reason to want to stick around to be with her. I wish for you the best, either way.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 10, 2012
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey - I have failed at lots of things too......in a big way...... but love, I know that it does not have to be the end......... it can be the START. I know that when you're facing a brick wall, you cannot see this, and it's hard. But, together with those who have been in the same boat, it IS possible, and insight does come, that brings with it understanding, and from there, an expansion in our heart so that we can make strides towards forgiveness, especially the hardest type - forgiveness of oneself.

    I know that it seems like not many people understand what brings us to this point and that not many people have the patience/fortitude to hear us out. That is normal and not another reason to despair - that fact of life is not about us. But, that doesn't mean that there is no one who cares. The issues of being alone and needing activity to fill your days - is your daughter aware of these? Could she perhaps help you with them? - anything would be better for her than you taking yourself out of her life honey. God bless you :)
  5. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Last time i was out of work I had to struggle to find volunteer work. Applications,interviews, no response, no volunteer opportunities. Nada. Too many people out of work in this area also doing volunteering.

    I don't have life insurance. All my money to my daughter comes out of a 401k. She knows to cremate me. After 20 years of engineering I can't find a job and trying to reinvent myself. My support system is here physically in this area so I can't move.Daughter is working ata retail job and going to community college. She knows she needs a bachelors to get outof retail and that's where my money will go - to school for her.

    Still sad at my last Halloween,last Thanksgiving etc. Wish something of a job - I have some friends - will come along and save me.
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Sarah honey - if you off yourself and your daughter is your only family - presumably you are her only family too? - she might not function that well to be able to get a degree? I know your mind is busy doing its sums, trying to work things out for the tidiest outcome - but the truth is, the bottom line is that you do not want to suicide - and thank God for that! It might seem like a solution for you, or perhaps the only solution. But, objectively, it is not. I know what it is like, because 15 years ago at this time of year, my mind was doing the same thing..... I was of the belief that suicide was the only thing I could do.

    That was my subjective response to what had happened to me. But Sarah, I want to tell you that there is more to existence than our subjective response to it, and to events. There is ALWAYS the opportunity for objective saving (salvation).

    Where there is a will, there is a way. You have the will to not suicide - so there is a way. The way for me was to get deeper insight into what had really been going on; the way for you might include that, and it's bound to include other things as well;

    You have friends - that is a great bonus. I know how hard it is to ask for help, but they are your friends because they like you as the person you are, and if they knew of your desperation I am sure would help you arrive at a better plan. Your life is too precious to destroy, I promise you :)