so terry this is what you wanted:
Terry asked me to write down everything that has happened to me in my life from start to finish, to explain why I am here, what it is about me that people don't know. I started it on paper and it got to be five pages long, me balling my eyes out at the fact that i had to relive everything over and over again in my head which I didnt want to do. Since i got this all down anyways for the most part I may as well get this out.
13-16
I have been overly depressed since I was 16 years old. My mom started in on me when I was about 13 or 14 but I basically for the most part didnt let it effect me so much until 16. From 13-16 my mom would berate me constantly, about my weight, about my looks, about my grades, about my worth, if felt like she picked at everything about. If I didnt clean the kitchen to her liking she would go off in a tangent while ripping the kitchen apart, screaming about what a worthless, lazy bitch I was and how I would amount to nothing. She would make me feel like I was nothing and over the course of those years I would internalize it all.
I told her my freshman year of high school that i really wanted to be a child psychologist and her exact words were "you can never do that, you'll never be smart enough." The one thing I wanted to do iwth my life was work with kids and help them but she managed to deter me from that saying I'd never be smart enough. Another example of what shed do to me, I know that I'm overweight, i have been for a lot of my life. We were cleaning out the closet one day and we came across her wedding dress and she goes "you know i wanted you to have this for your wedding day but clearly you'll never fit into it" My mom managed to make me feel worthless in such little words. A mother shouldn't do that ot her child. Later on in life she told me it was all in my head, that she never said those things to me. Which is bullshit because that's something I'd never forget.
There was a day where she took me for a ride, it was raining out and I had no shoes on because she said we were just running out quickly. She ended up pulling into a vacant parking lot and told me to either confess what my issues were or get the fuck out of her car. I jumped out of her car and walked home about 2 miles in the pouring rain, through mud just to get away from her. When i finally got home she chased me upstairs and I finally turned around and screamed at her that her only daughter wanted to kill herself. She threatened to put me away and get me help that i needed, to this day I wish she had..i really wish that she had. BUT just like always words were words..threatening me to try to get in me line. That was the first time I was introduced to the world of pill popping and cutting. At 16 I popped a shit load of pills and had my stomach pumped. After that I started cutting in places that were only visible to me...to this day I still cut.
17-18
Senior in high school...got into a huge fight, beat the living shit out of a girl for walking by me and calling me a bitch. I just snapped and that day i realized the anger and the power I held and how i could seriously hurt people. I got suspended for a week from school and my parents chalked it up to me wating attention. Got my first boyfriend that year also. I know that I'm not the prettiest person in the world, I was elated that he actually cared about me..i was so in love. UNTIL he decided when I went over his house before work to rape me. I was a virgin..until he forced himself on me. Until he took the one thing i had left to hold on to...and that was gone.
18-20
Graduated from high school, started a local college, working fulltime met a really nice guy,, thought things were finally looking up. Dropped out of school because I couldn't afford it and my dad couldn't help anymore. Still working fulltime...the guy was still there, until he got into a car accident and broke his back in two places. He was still around after that but became cold and distant. The day his accident happened i was freaking out and my mom backed me into the corner of my room and smacked me twice in the face. That was the last day she ever laid a hand on me because i told her if she touched me ever again I'd break her legs and she knew i meant it.
Parents divorced a little while after that(thankfully). My mom moved out and one day while talking to me she told me she should have left my dad a year into the marriage. That really hurt because it made me feel like she didn't want my three brothers or me because if she had left a year into it we wouldn't be here. She also said she could have taken my younger brothers and the house if seh wanted and I laughed in her face. Her alcoholic asss would have never gotten the house or us..we would have gone with my dad. around the same time they got divorced i decided to tell my mom that i had been raped and she just looked at me like I was lying, like i had made it all up and that was the end of that..and to this day no one in my family knows about that day.
20-21
Dylan came into the world April 4, 2000. I was 20 going on 21. He gave me hope because he was beautiful. He was what life was about. At the time I had moved into an apt. with my then boyfriend..he proposed to me 2 months later. Six months after that he cheated on me with one of my coworkers I threw the ring in his face and told him to choke and die. I ended up moving back into my fathers house around the same time that my brother and his girlfriend(dylans mom) broke up. She ended up taking off adn I quit my full time job with benefits to take care of Dylan fulltime so my brother could work. Since Dylan was about 1-1 1/2 I have been taking care of him..giving him my everything and my all because my brother has proven to be a piece of shit. Dylan is 7 now, i have never had a break, i barely get a thank you. His mom took off and came back once when he was 5. My brother is no better, caring only about himself and only doing for him.
22
I met this guy and him and i dated only for like a month when i found out i was pregnant. He ignored my phone calls for two days until finally answering and when i told him he called me a liar at first. I told him i didnt lie about shit like that because we were on the outs anyways. He ended up convincing me that an abortion was the right choice. To this day i regret my choices, i regret my decisions, i regret and i wonder what ifs. i wonder everyday how different things would be if i had chosen in my eyes the right choice. After that I started cutting more and becoming more isolated.
My cousin called me a baby killer and told me i'd have to live with that forever.that i'd go to hell because of my choices...so that didnt help matters either.
around xmas time that year i got my mother this really pretty statue of a mother and daughter trying ot make ammends with her for everything in the past...instead of appreciating it she got really drunk and made some snide assinine comment about the lame present i got her. I haven't seen my mom drink soda or coffee in at least 6 years. Six fuckin years of dealing with her drunkenness, with having to drag her ass to the car after a night of seeing her at a bowling alley or bar, having to listen to her make nasty sexual comments about her and her boyfriend. My brothers and i got into a fight one day and i had to leave so i went to give her a hug and she pushed me away..that was the year i stareted seeing her less and less because i couldn't handle that. I just couldn't deal with her rejecting me like that after trying to make ammends.
i sent her a long letter that year telling her about things, telling her how empty i felt, telling her i wanted to die...and she told me that i needed to stop resulting to dying to solve my nonexistent issues. the fuckin cow.
23-PRESENT
The years haven't been pleasant to me..more recently i have been getting into pills and SH alot more. I have scars on my chest and im sure my insides aren't doing the best at the moment. I have been pushed against walls by my throat and told that when i was really ready to die to let them know that theyd help. I have bene used by someone i thought loved me. everytime he saw me all he wanted to do was fuck me..so i spread my legs and let him. Over the four years that's all i've done..i let people use me..i spread my legs and let them fuck me, i let them use my lips for their pleasure. i knowt hat's gross but i dont care ..you want this out you are getting it. I let people take advantage of me hoping maybe theyd care about me jsut a little bit more.
I see myself as a failure. Im 27 and im at a dead end job, i don't have the energy or will to do anything about it anymore. i have no car because i can't afford it, my father told my younger brother i was a failure..the only thing im good at is dying it seems. I'm tired of feeling this worthless and this empty. I'm tired of being used for one thing and being tossed aside. I'm tired of being a doormat for my brother. I'm tired of people thinking this is all fake that the wya i feel can be chalked up to being overly sensitive. They think i cut my chest up because im overly sensitive, they think i write the dark poetry i do just because they think im good at making shit up, they think it's all a game. Well, the jokes on them because the game is that the smiles are fake, the happiness is fake, the wanting to be the greatest is all FUCKIN FAKE.
I'm tired of today, being targeted, being hated for being outspoken, for speaking what people are really thinking. i'm tired of being targeted for doing what I'm told to do. I'm sick of being targeted for having friends that are in higher authority. I'm sick of people in general judging me because you know waht...they don't even take the time to get ot fuckin know me.
They are cruel and vile to be honest and she has no business calling herself any kind of mother