Don't want to**triggering/language**

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, Apr 10, 2007.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I'm so fuckin sick of feeling like I'm nothing. Like the value of my thoughts or feelings mean absolute shit. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth any thought or care in the world. I'm tired of shoving everything down so not to worry people because worrying people around me would just be bad. I'm so fuckin' angry right now and I don't know why. I just want to empty my mind of every fuckin thought I've ever had. I want to curl up into a fuckin ball and let the world disappear. I help and I help and I help and honestly...i don't know if me helping is helping me anymore. I feel short and angry with people. I feel like I want to just go off on one and tell people to stick it where the sun don't shine.

    I'm tired of the lies and the bullshit manipulations. It makes me sick to see people fall all over lies like they are God's gift..they aren't they are just pathological liars who get off on seeing how much shit they can spin. It makes me want to smack the fuck out of the people tripping over the lies and in turn gettint hurt.

    Not many people know this but lately...all i've been doing is popping pills to numb the pain. It's nothing I should be taking of course..because anything worth taking to numb the pain should be something thats not healthy. I pop the pills because I dont want to feel, because I dont want to hurt, because im nto strong enough anymore to do this on my own. I won't ask for help...from anyone..not anyone here and not anyone in my family. I told my mom i wanted to die once and she said get over it..that was enough to seal my lips shut. I don't ask for help because I can't...and I just won't. I want to feel empty now..i want to fade away..i don't want to stay strong..the "hang in there's it'll get better" are pointless and useless. The endless hugs...i dont know anymore..a hug won't hide or fix all the pain i've managed to shove inside of me. I'll let it just bubble over and slowly destroy me.

    Take care all don't bother...its all okay. in the end..its all okay
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :eek:hmy: Who's been upsetting you hun?

    You need to write it all down every damn bad thought, hurtful remark the whole kit and caboodle of anger, hurt and crap that keeps whirling round in your head and biting your arse.
    Believe it or not we are strong enough to withstand it, you don't have to hold it in anymore. Your mother was wrong with that remark, no one here is ever gonna say that to you. Take a deep breath and let it rip, our shoulders are broad enough to take it. :hug:
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i dont want to fight anymore...i dont want to tired terry. im so fuckin tired. i pop the pills to feel numb and when i wake up the pain is back and i want to be numb again
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    so ive decided what needs to be done..ive tried writing like you said terry, i've gotten five pages down so far...and its killing me. It is making me realize more and more what needs to be done.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Right, this is the third time I have written this thing, It keeps disappearing.

    All I'm trying to do is tell you that if I can do anything let me know, and to hang in there, but my stupid comp keeps erasing it.


    If I can do anything, let me know

    Hang in there honey
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i just wanted to say bye to people that have tried to help. i stand up for my opinion i speak how i feel i speak what i think and fuckin i get told to shut up..what else is new right..what else is new

    i cant wait to go to the cliffs...i can't wait...the peace and beauty is what i need right now.
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Kelly I know we have our differences, but please don't hurt yourself.
    You probably don't want to hear anything I say, but please don't hurt yourself. So many people care for you (yes, also I still care), you have such good friends here who'd do anything for you. Please Kelly, don't hurt yourself.

    Vent and rant as much as you need to, but please don't hurt yourself, you deserve better than that.
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Kells you ain't worthless. Me loves ya Kell Kell. Loves ya lots n lots.

    I don't want their to be any byes. Im always here for you and i hope you know that. :hug:

    I needs me kells to say i wanna be a duck and sing about me arse :hiding:
  9. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    so terry this is what you wanted:

    Terry asked me to write down everything that has happened to me in my life from start to finish, to explain why I am here, what it is about me that people don't know. I started it on paper and it got to be five pages long, me balling my eyes out at the fact that i had to relive everything over and over again in my head which I didnt want to do. Since i got this all down anyways for the most part I may as well get this out.

    I have been overly depressed since I was 16 years old. My mom started in on me when I was about 13 or 14 but I basically for the most part didnt let it effect me so much until 16. From 13-16 my mom would berate me constantly, about my weight, about my looks, about my grades, about my worth, if felt like she picked at everything about. If I didnt clean the kitchen to her liking she would go off in a tangent while ripping the kitchen apart, screaming about what a worthless, lazy bitch I was and how I would amount to nothing. She would make me feel like I was nothing and over the course of those years I would internalize it all.

    I told her my freshman year of high school that i really wanted to be a child psychologist and her exact words were "you can never do that, you'll never be smart enough." The one thing I wanted to do iwth my life was work with kids and help them but she managed to deter me from that saying I'd never be smart enough. Another example of what shed do to me, I know that I'm overweight, i have been for a lot of my life. We were cleaning out the closet one day and we came across her wedding dress and she goes "you know i wanted you to have this for your wedding day but clearly you'll never fit into it" My mom managed to make me feel worthless in such little words. A mother shouldn't do that ot her child. Later on in life she told me it was all in my head, that she never said those things to me. Which is bullshit because that's something I'd never forget.

    There was a day where she took me for a ride, it was raining out and I had no shoes on because she said we were just running out quickly. She ended up pulling into a vacant parking lot and told me to either confess what my issues were or get the fuck out of her car. I jumped out of her car and walked home about 2 miles in the pouring rain, through mud just to get away from her. When i finally got home she chased me upstairs and I finally turned around and screamed at her that her only daughter wanted to kill herself. She threatened to put me away and get me help that i needed, to this day I wish she had..i really wish that she had. BUT just like always words were words..threatening me to try to get in me line. That was the first time I was introduced to the world of pill popping and cutting. At 16 I popped a shit load of pills and had my stomach pumped. After that I started cutting in places that were only visible to this day I still cut.

    Senior in high into a huge fight, beat the living shit out of a girl for walking by me and calling me a bitch. I just snapped and that day i realized the anger and the power I held and how i could seriously hurt people. I got suspended for a week from school and my parents chalked it up to me wating attention. Got my first boyfriend that year also. I know that I'm not the prettiest person in the world, I was elated that he actually cared about me..i was so in love. UNTIL he decided when I went over his house before work to rape me. I was a virgin..until he forced himself on me. Until he took the one thing i had left to hold on to...and that was gone.

    Graduated from high school, started a local college, working fulltime met a really nice guy,, thought things were finally looking up. Dropped out of school because I couldn't afford it and my dad couldn't help anymore. Still working fulltime...the guy was still there, until he got into a car accident and broke his back in two places. He was still around after that but became cold and distant. The day his accident happened i was freaking out and my mom backed me into the corner of my room and smacked me twice in the face. That was the last day she ever laid a hand on me because i told her if she touched me ever again I'd break her legs and she knew i meant it.

    Parents divorced a little while after that(thankfully). My mom moved out and one day while talking to me she told me she should have left my dad a year into the marriage. That really hurt because it made me feel like she didn't want my three brothers or me because if she had left a year into it we wouldn't be here. She also said she could have taken my younger brothers and the house if seh wanted and I laughed in her face. Her alcoholic asss would have never gotten the house or us..we would have gone with my dad. around the same time they got divorced i decided to tell my mom that i had been raped and she just looked at me like I was lying, like i had made it all up and that was the end of that..and to this day no one in my family knows about that day.

    Dylan came into the world April 4, 2000. I was 20 going on 21. He gave me hope because he was beautiful. He was what life was about. At the time I had moved into an apt. with my then boyfriend..he proposed to me 2 months later. Six months after that he cheated on me with one of my coworkers I threw the ring in his face and told him to choke and die. I ended up moving back into my fathers house around the same time that my brother and his girlfriend(dylans mom) broke up. She ended up taking off adn I quit my full time job with benefits to take care of Dylan fulltime so my brother could work. Since Dylan was about 1-1 1/2 I have been taking care of him my everything and my all because my brother has proven to be a piece of shit. Dylan is 7 now, i have never had a break, i barely get a thank you. His mom took off and came back once when he was 5. My brother is no better, caring only about himself and only doing for him.

    I met this guy and him and i dated only for like a month when i found out i was pregnant. He ignored my phone calls for two days until finally answering and when i told him he called me a liar at first. I told him i didnt lie about shit like that because we were on the outs anyways. He ended up convincing me that an abortion was the right choice. To this day i regret my choices, i regret my decisions, i regret and i wonder what ifs. i wonder everyday how different things would be if i had chosen in my eyes the right choice. After that I started cutting more and becoming more isolated.
    My cousin called me a baby killer and told me i'd have to live with that forever.that i'd go to hell because of my that didnt help matters either.

    around xmas time that year i got my mother this really pretty statue of a mother and daughter trying ot make ammends with her for everything in the past...instead of appreciating it she got really drunk and made some snide assinine comment about the lame present i got her. I haven't seen my mom drink soda or coffee in at least 6 years. Six fuckin years of dealing with her drunkenness, with having to drag her ass to the car after a night of seeing her at a bowling alley or bar, having to listen to her make nasty sexual comments about her and her boyfriend. My brothers and i got into a fight one day and i had to leave so i went to give her a hug and she pushed me away..that was the year i stareted seeing her less and less because i couldn't handle that. I just couldn't deal with her rejecting me like that after trying to make ammends.

    i sent her a long letter that year telling her about things, telling her how empty i felt, telling her i wanted to die...and she told me that i needed to stop resulting to dying to solve my nonexistent issues. the fuckin cow.


    The years haven't been pleasant to me..more recently i have been getting into pills and SH alot more. I have scars on my chest and im sure my insides aren't doing the best at the moment. I have been pushed against walls by my throat and told that when i was really ready to die to let them know that theyd help. I have bene used by someone i thought loved me. everytime he saw me all he wanted to do was fuck i spread my legs and let him. Over the four years that's all i've done..i let people use me..i spread my legs and let them fuck me, i let them use my lips for their pleasure. i knowt hat's gross but i dont care want this out you are getting it. I let people take advantage of me hoping maybe theyd care about me jsut a little bit more.

    I see myself as a failure. Im 27 and im at a dead end job, i don't have the energy or will to do anything about it anymore. i have no car because i can't afford it, my father told my younger brother i was a failure..the only thing im good at is dying it seems. I'm tired of feeling this worthless and this empty. I'm tired of being used for one thing and being tossed aside. I'm tired of being a doormat for my brother. I'm tired of people thinking this is all fake that the wya i feel can be chalked up to being overly sensitive. They think i cut my chest up because im overly sensitive, they think i write the dark poetry i do just because they think im good at making shit up, they think it's all a game. Well, the jokes on them because the game is that the smiles are fake, the happiness is fake, the wanting to be the greatest is all FUCKIN FAKE.

    I'm tired of today, being targeted, being hated for being outspoken, for speaking what people are really thinking. i'm tired of being targeted for doing what I'm told to do. I'm sick of being targeted for having friends that are in higher authority. I'm sick of people in general judging me because you know waht...they don't even take the time to get ot fuckin know me.
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well done hun, that took some doing:hug:

    okay. your mum: She's a drunk, that means words spillout without a brain cell behind them. Also, I don't know if you know this, but mum's can actually get jealous of their daughters around about the teens time. I guess it has something to do with wanting their youth back. suddenly their daughter is competition and the best way to beat the competition is to make it think its less that it is. This might be what lies at the bottom of all the shit remarks. and yes Kells they are shit remarks:mad: They are cruel and vile to be honest and she has no business calling herself any kind of mother:mad:

    Sadly the shit with your mother has left you open to the abuse of others, nothing like having your self esteem smashed for you suddenly to become an arsehole magnet. I swear to God I think these arseholes have fucking radar. They seem to be able to hone in on anyone who is vunerable and likely to be able to be manipulated. Not one of them is worth another minute of your time or thoughts.

    I know you love your dad, so am about to skate on very thin ice; but hun he's
    let you down :sad: I don't believe for one minute that it was intentional, more likely its that very male thing 'anything for a quiet life'. But the upshot of it all is that you got shafted. You've had to put your life, ambitions and career away in a draw to pick up the slack for a worthless brother.
    You are a wonderful aunt, but it is still very very unfair!!!

    For the rest of it, well personally I think one of your most endearing qualities is your saying it like it is. In a world of duplicity and fake sweetness (while stabbing you in the back), your upfront and to the point honesty is a breath of fresh air. Yes sometimes it can be hurtful, but I don't think I ever heard you say an untruth.

    And for the record I would like to say I feel privelleged to know you. :hug: :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2007