.. I'm only trying to help you? that your shouting brings me back to other things and raises my anxiety? that you banging things does the same? that if I suggest something medical, its only because I care. I'm not trying to cause you pain or similar. that all of this is tearing at my heart, too. that I understand I can't possibly know what your feelings and thoughts are? that I'm in such pain that I cut and I work so very hard to hide this from you? that my thoughts go to dark places as I'm not sure I can get though this and watch you die. that I feel so selfish for these thoughts when you are fighting so hard to live. that I feel alcohol is still my foe, yet here I am at times repeating behaviors that made me the way I am? that I do want to run away, yet I know I can't leave you alone? that just because I need some time to myself, its doesn't reflect negatively on you? that, after all this time, I am still hiding some things from you and which I will never reveal? that I am only me - an imperfect human being. that I need outlets too. Please don't get upset when I try to do things that don't involve you. that I am scared, really scared, of the future? that I need some slack, some time to recharge my heart & soul. I feel like I am drowning fast at times. and finally - don't you understand that I am really trying - but that I ask for your forgiveness for being less than perfect and for not being all that you need me to be right now. I am sorry.