Double-Edge Remorse

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Abby Rose, Oct 29, 2007.

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  1. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    Over the past three days I have tried to kill myself twice, once with pills which just made me unconscious for a few hours, and once with a razor blade across my forearm, which caused me to loose a lot of blood, but not enough to get the job done. As odd as this might sound I feel like I am in a better place then when I did it, but the cuts are deep and blood red. As I look at them I see that these scars are never going to heal and I am remorseful, but I do not have a new found of love of life, or a desire to live, but I regret the action out of sole vanity. I feel damaged beyond repair, both physically and emotionally in a way I can't even begin to describe and I don't think anything is going to change that. Although I am remorseful for the action, cutting myself made me feel something, something that I have lacked for a very long time, but I have no idea what that is. Since then I have cut myself in different places across my body to rediscovering that same feeling. I know this is not healthy in any way, but I can't seem to stop myself, something is driving me to it, and I am scared to find out what that is and as I try to stop, the more I do it. I love the action but I hate the aftermath. In truth I have led a very unhappy life and while one part tells me to stop, the other tells me that this is the only thing good in you life now so why deny yourself, and as a result I have no idea what to do.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey Alexis, I understand what you're saying. I really hate the scars left on my body due to self harm but I get these urges to cut and part of me is saying 'don't' whereas another part is saying 'do it'. Thing is though, if I give in I get more scars then I hate myself more for getting them scars.

    I think it's important for you to try and find out what is making you self harm. If you know what's causing it then that's the first step to stopping it. Do you have any triggers? What happens before to give you the urges to self harm? What emotions do you feel prior to hurting yourself? Is there any way you can stop yourself from getting in these situations or feeling these emotions?

    Any self harmer would agree with me here when I say stop as soon as you can. From your post I get the impression you have only started this recently and believe me when I say, from personal experience, it can turn into an ugly addiction that can be hard to get out of. Please don't get into it. There are other ways to handle your emotions and if you get the urge to self harm, try to occupy yourself by listening to music, going for a walk, phoning a friend or doing something else you enjoy.

    About the deep cut, if it is deep and isn't healing or it looks like it's infected etc then please do seek medical help. I also suggest you seeking medical advice about the pills you took too, you may still be alive now but depending on the pills you took, the dosage and the amount you don't know what damage you have done to your internal organs.

    Take care of yourself, here if you want to talk more. :hug:
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