Is this a crisis post? Yes, I believe it is as I consider where I am and how I feel about my situation and prospects which have now become all too clear to me. I feel that I am at a crossroads where turning left, right or going straight on brings its own complications and is unattractive. It’s as if I am living two lives, a charade of dishonesty and something akin to fraud. Life 1 For the majority of my time, life at home with my family when I’m not on SF is conducted by me in such a way as to not arouse the suspicion or alarm of my wife and children. My wife, and I think my children aged 8 and 10, believe that I am ‘depressed’. Whilst I did say to my wife about 10 days ago that I was suicidal, it was only a brief foray into the murk, and she seemed to dismiss it as not terribly important, which rather relieved me. I do not wish to alarm them, especially the children, and to keep a steady course, it’s better that I ‘pretend’ that things are ‘okay’. I don’t wish to go into sordid details about why I wish to end it all; there are plenty of reasons, but I will provide one reason which plays high up in my mind. I am currently a ‘house husband’ by choice. I sort of got fed up with work. My driving license was withdrawn a couple of months ago, and essentially I’ve been housebound which has allowed me to consider what my true worth is. To cut a long story short, I realised that my wife and children *will* be better off when I’m dead. And by ‘better off’ – I mean that in both the sense of emotionally and financially. I have carefully investigated what will happen when I die, and I am sure that my wife will benefit financially in a way that will enable her to live her life with all that she and the children need, in terms of housing, education, health care and vacations, with enough left over. No, it’s nothing to do with insurance (which would be invalidated by suicide), it’s, if you like, ‘my money’. I cannot touch this money whilst I live, and I cannot expect to benefit from it unless perhaps I live to a very old age when its value will be reduced. So that’s a pretty damn good reason to depart – to enable my family to benefit. Life 2 I mentioned that I have a domestic life ‘when not on SF’. When I first joined SF, I, like most probably everybody who joins, was in a bad state. SF helped me overcome that and subsequently another depressive dip. Since then there have been times when I’ve felt able to read the forum posts and offer some of my own help to others. What is this???!!! Some sort of ridiculous double standard where I am terribly unstable myself but wish to appear to others as capable and helpful. So these two ‘lives’ I’m living are an absolute sham, pretending to be one thing whilst being another. I feel very ashamed of it and that I should really stop myself from deceiving my family and at the same time also spending time on SF purporting to support other members when I cannot support myself, even. If I can terminate myself, I can end this shameful existence and allow my wife to enjoy what I have been able to provide her and the children. Therefore, I feel that I ‘escape’ the accusation of being selfish. It would be an act of ultimate generosity. All I need now is the guts.