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Double life with not a single decent value

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Bart, Dec 5, 2014.

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  1. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Is this a crisis post? Yes, I believe it is as I consider where I am and how I feel about my situation and prospects which have now become all too clear to me. I feel that I am at a crossroads where turning left, right or going straight on brings its own complications and is unattractive. It’s as if I am living two lives, a charade of dishonesty and something akin to fraud.

    Life 1

    For the majority of my time, life at home with my family when I’m not on SF is conducted by me in such a way as to not arouse the suspicion or alarm of my wife and children. My wife, and I think my children aged 8 and 10, believe that I am ‘depressed’. Whilst I did say to my wife about 10 days ago that I was suicidal, it was only a brief foray into the murk, and she seemed to dismiss it as not terribly important, which rather relieved me. I do not wish to alarm them, especially the children, and to keep a steady course, it’s better that I ‘pretend’ that things are ‘okay’.

    I don’t wish to go into sordid details about why I wish to end it all; there are plenty of reasons, but I will provide one reason which plays high up in my mind.

    I am currently a ‘house husband’ by choice. I sort of got fed up with work. My driving license was withdrawn a couple of months ago, and essentially I’ve been housebound which has allowed me to consider what my true worth is. To cut a long story short, I realised that my wife and children *will* be better off when I’m dead. And by ‘better off’ – I mean that in both the sense of emotionally and financially. I have carefully investigated what will happen when I die, and I am sure that my wife will benefit financially in a way that will enable her to live her life with all that she and the children need, in terms of housing, education, health care and vacations, with enough left over. No, it’s nothing to do with insurance (which would be invalidated by suicide), it’s, if you like, ‘my money’. I cannot touch this money whilst I live, and I cannot expect to benefit from it unless perhaps I live to a very old age when its value will be reduced.

    So that’s a pretty damn good reason to depart – to enable my family to benefit.

    Life 2

    I mentioned that I have a domestic life ‘when not on SF’. When I first joined SF, I, like most probably everybody who joins, was in a bad state. SF helped me overcome that and subsequently another depressive dip. Since then there have been times when I’ve felt able to read the forum posts and offer some of my own help to others. What is this???!!! Some sort of ridiculous double standard where I am terribly unstable myself but wish to appear to others as capable and helpful.

    So these two ‘lives’ I’m living are an absolute sham, pretending to be one thing whilst being another. I feel very ashamed of it and that I should really stop myself from deceiving my family and at the same time also spending time on SF purporting to support other members when I cannot support myself, even.

    If I can terminate myself, I can end this shameful existence and allow my wife to enjoy what I have been able to provide her and the children. Therefore, I feel that I ‘escape’ the accusation of being selfish. It would be an act of ultimate generosity.

    All I need now is the guts.
  2. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Bart I am glad you posted what you did. First off I know what you mean about the double standard. Helping others (which you do!) and yet struggling with your own demons and real challenges. It is as if you maybe think you betray something in yourself by giving advise and support to others. But I do not think this is the case at all! As for you I know you are only touching on the surface of what you have and are going through. Its sound tough really tough so many life style changes for you. But one think you wrote "I realised that my wife and children *will* be better off when I’m dead" < how can this be ? Your children you are there world which no matter which way you look at it would fall apart if you made the exit. They love you without conditions. I can see why your wife wants to protect them from what you are feeling and I suppose in some I agree with her on that part. But maybe she is not fully aware yet of just how deep your emotions on this are running right now.
    Is it not worth at least trying to open up to her more ? You "maybe" surprised by her reaction. If you do not try you would never know.

    Situations can change they do change even though at the moment I know you are feeling pretty awful. When I came here you said to me that you would support me as long as I was on this forum. I am saying the same right back to YOU now. And I for one would be affected if you were to take that final step (as I know others here would) Why ? Because we actually care and give a damn.

    And finally this is my mega double standard. I have felt absolutely crap today but does that mean I am unable to try do something for someone else ? Maybe maybe not but I dont care. I do what I do. And felt compelled to reply to your post. Before you really think about doing anything is it not worth reaching out ???

    I am here if you need to talk.
  3. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    And one last thing about the money and this is gonna sound hard. If you check out they will not give a damn about any money coming there way. They will be too overcome with grief at loosing you to care. It will no doubt be the very last thing on your familys mind. take care D.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry - but the money argument is pure bollocks. Based on the age of your children i would put you at under 40 years old which means you are trying to the few benefits that UK will pay or whatever small amount of savings will replace 30+ years of either earnings if you decide to return to work or help and assistance around house and in raising children if you do not and frankly I highly doubt in less than 20 years of savings you have saved up 30 plus years of income - that is not a criticism of you simply a fact that would be he same with 99.999% of the population.

    I also am not privy to a single study that shows one parent families on average do better than two parent families - either finiancially or emotionally - and you know that just as well. When one spends all their time trying to justify there excuses for killing themselves they will eventually get it to make sense in their own mind- but please do not be naive enough to actually believe it. The fact that so many manage to convince themselves of this is ample reason why they are described as mentally impaired or that depression impairs judgement - because all they see is what supports there own desires.

    Please take some of this careful though processes and spend some time looking at what it is making things difficult and painful for you and how you might start to rectify the problems and to continue to fight for the treatment you need so you can provide for your family both emotionally and physically by being there and so you can get back a reasonable quality of life for yourself. Every hour you spend trying to justify what you know to be a poor decision and trying to convince yourself is "okay" is a wasted hour that could have been better spent with your children helping them with homework or with your spouse providing company and companionship, or with yourself searching for ways to fix things instead of ways to avoid having to do anything by planning an exit strategy and trying to convince yourself it is for anybodies benefit but your own.

    I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you have received a lot of support and advice here and simply dismiss it all with the same attitude and while I completely understand the inclination having been and still being suicidal myself it is something that is controllable and it is a choice to remain completely committed to NOT changing and NOT trying to have things get better. That is a choice you are making at this point. Try to put just a fraction of that endless energy and commitment into a positive change instead of a commitment to refuse to consider any positive changes.
  5. Chloeinoz

    Chloeinoz Banned Member

    Hey Bart Chloe here we chat a lot just wanting to make sure you're ok don't listen to rubbish advice what you need right now is help come to chat and talk about it TV Chloe
  6. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Very well said Chloe!
  7. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    Dear Bart, please reconsider the money argument.
    My friend, her husband shot himself ( his little kids found his corpse when they came in from school- I cannot imagine what he was thinking of with that alone ) but in due course an insurance payment which should have made my friend secure for life arrived and instead of securing her future she wasted it all. Her grief and the distress of the kids took over, and some years later she said to me, I can't understand it, I should be fine financially today but I just couldn't hang on to the money.
    It doesn't surprise me- it was tainted money to her, coming at too great a price for their family.

    I too am housebound a lot now, through illness, and I've been a stay-home parent and know how isolating and long days that can be too. Your feelings are all too common, and though we have equality in the UK/US I still think many men expect to be the bread-winner too as part of a long tradition. I also ( and this may sound sexist ) think women are more prepared for the monotony and drudgery aspects of caring, we are stronger at those things just as men are physically stronger.

    You may feel that your wife is not the best person to help you, hence your reluctance to confide, not everyone copes well with or even accepts mental illness.

    You may need the venting of the extreme anger and frustration for your situation- I know I do at times, though it has driven away the more happy-clappy crowd in my life!

    A good counselor/support group is what you need from the outside looking in, somewhere you can take those things you call 'sordid details'.

    Hope you feel better soon.
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    No amount of money would take away the pain, the anguish, your kids would experience if they lost their father. Money would have little meaning at that point. A friend of mine lost his mother to suicide when he was a child, and even now, decades later, he struggles to function, is tormented by guilt, continues to wonder why he wasn't enough for his mom to want to live.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    God bless you friend, it must be so tough on them, blaming themselves too :( Thank goodnes they have you as a friend though as I am sure you make them feel better and know how to help. :hug:
  10. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Thank you for the positive replies of understanding & support.

    NYJmpMaster - I hope you think somebody will find your post useful. You make a number of factual assumptions - which are *all* incorrect and I take great exception to being accused of being a scrounger on the benefits system. I do not claim *any* benefits at all (and never have). I do not need to. You see, your *guess* at my age (and other things) is way off the mark. If you can make such rash judgements about fact, I question your ability to make subjective judgements.

    Anyway, it appears '...you have received a lot of support and advice here and simply dismiss it all with the same attitude...'. So clearly, I am being told by Admin that I have used up my quota and disregard it all; I'll not be asking for any more help.
  11. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hi Bart I will continue to support regardless as I know many others here will. I personally do not feel I would ever limit what kind of support I could give to another person if I think it can do something good for that person. Thanks for your opening post and for sharing what must be a really difficult time for you right now.
  12. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Nobody , and certainly not I have in way said there is a limit or quota of support. I hope you do continue to reach out here for support and all other places available to you. I simply said you have received a lot of support and it appears that it is not having any effect or you are not giving it the consideration it deserves since you are still spiraling down into a lower and darker place, to the point that you are going to great lengths to try to justify suicide as a good thing for your family, which I admit to completely disagreeing and doubt very highly is true on either the financial or the emotional level. On the financial level- whatever sum of money they might receive would simply be pulling it forward in time and they will still lose all the support (emotional and financial) that they could and should get from you in the coming years. Getting a life insurance policy or breaking into a pension or retirement account is a great fix for the immediate problems of a year or few years but in the end is certainly less than 10 or 20 years continued support PLUS still getting those same things.

    The only thing which i said that I felt might be harsh was sometimes there comes a point where nothing will change until something is done to change it and that cannot be done while spending all of your energy focusing on the negative and on dying. As hard as any action is when severely depressed, using all of that energy to plan and try to justify your suicide will leave none for any type of change that can be positive or longer lasting than a hour or so. There is a choice to be made in how you focus that energy , and the first part of that choice is in asking for ways to help or to fix the situation as opposed to looking for agreement or trying to sell the idea that suicide is a good idea or a good option.

    My post clearly came across in a way I did not intend , and for that I sincerely apologize- particularly if you or any felt it was in anyway saying you have had enough support- that was 100% not the intent- the intent was simply to refute your justifications and to try to make you consider looking at previous advice on ways to improve the situation or the way you are reacting to the situation you are in as opposed to dwell continually on the negative since the negative and low side has clearly been getting worse as opposed to better. There is not ever an end to the support to be offered here and like all of it - take that which you find helpful, and disregard the rest as not applicable to your particular situation.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben

    I apologize that your thread for support got derailed- please all continuew in a manner to provide support as opposed to discuss to the original post

    I also never mentioned benefits at all except the potential meager benefits they might receive from the government in case of your death aside from other monies which certainly are not enough to adequately support a young family (which the children are young regardless of your age).
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