Doubt I will go on much longer

[guy89]

Hi... I'm gonna tell you about the largest loser in the world. And will properly be quite negative as this is the first time I can/do actually tell someone about how I feel, rather than acting like everything is great.

I'm a 21 years old guy with no job living in my dad's house. I have never done or wanted to do anything besides just being left alone, I basically hate people.
I am asexual(nonsexual) and have no desire to have a relationship with anyone and least of all (obviously) have sex. I have had 2 friends in my life, one of which is my cousin.

The only "talent" I have is computer stuff and I have a small useless education as "web-programmer", but I absolutely hate the thought of working in the “industry”.
I have only had one job in my life, which was 6 months in a kindergarten as a “helper” and I kinda liked that. But the thought of having to study for 3 years to work with kids... no thanks.
I have no desires or dreams other than to be alone without having to do anything (which is obviously not possible). I have felt this way for as long as I can remember.

I am good at acting happy, outgoing and friendly, not even my dad or mom knows any of these thoughts.
Most people like me when I talk with them (when I'm forced to). But I am highly introverted and don't like talking at all.
Besides that I have been overweight most of my life even though I have never been very unhealthy and I prefer healthy food.

I have thought about going to the doctor with it, but I honestly can’t see what that would help. I’m not gonna take medication for being an unhappy loser.

Now I am basically just waiting for my dad to get tired enough of me so that he throws me out; which I think will be soon.
And that will most likely be my cue to find a high building, if not sooner.
I just can’t see why I should go on... If I got a magic genie to grant wishes, I would properly just wish to never have been born.
As even with unlimited possibilities I see nothing that I want other than a trouble and pain-free existence (or nonexistence).


...Well thanks for reading my crazy thoughts... You now know me better than anyone in the world!

 

[total eclipse]

NOt crazy thoughts they are t houghts brought on my depression distorted thoughts that all. I know you say you don't want meds but eh meds will change your way of thinking meds will give you the energy you need to move forward not backwards. IF not meds then therapy that will help change the way you thoughts are too. Do nothing nothing will happen no change Do something and your life gets better right I know i am fighting the idea of meds too but therapy has help me alot I hope you consider just reaching out a bit okay. You did good to reach out here keep reaching out okay keep posting venting hugs to you

 

[Marathon-Running-Bunny]

....

Hi and welcome to the forum..

I agree with what the moderator says about depression and distorted thoughts.. Pls get a counsellor to start CBT.. Positive thinkings will promote self-esteem and self confidence in you.. :hug: all the best to you..

 

[dazzle11215]

you are not a loser, but believing yourself to be one is a main symptom of depression. i think a diagnosis by a mental health professional will really help. maybe you've felt this way for a long time, so you don't know any other way to feel. but you can get better. first steps first...

 

[peacelovingguy]

Total Eclipse is so right - its the usual depression playing its 'tricks' in that we always concentrate on the negatives about ourselves.

As for not going the doctor, I'm over twice your age and never bothered seeing a doctor until I was 40. I survived, but surviving is not living. If I'd have dealt with this sooner then I'm sure things would have been a lot better. That said, it could have been way worse if I had maybe took to drink or heroin and kept thinking crime was 'OK' really.

Steering clear of relationships, might 'seem' like the right thing to do but everyone needs some love. Denying yourself relationships is doing yourself a disservice. But, I guess anyone who deals with depression as an ongoing thing does not want to bring the fall out into someone else's life.

The idea is to deal with your depression - admit you have it and then you have won half the battle. Don't be like me and deny it because depression is the original 'hellhound on your trail'. It will always catch with if you give it the slip without facing up to it and taming it.

Longer you leave it worse it gets. If you had cancer, you'd like not go into denial to the point were you were telling people your 'fine, really' when your 5 stone nothing and collapsing after half a pint.

As for being asexual - could well be depression kicking in as it does put a dampener on your passion. In fact, nothing kills passion like a good spate of depression left to go on its own momentum. There is a organisation for people who are asexual or wondering if they are. If you have truly never had any sexual feeling towards anyone, then you may be that way. The website for asexuality is at asexuality dot org. I've checked the website out and its really good for anyone wondering what asexual means. I did not fully understand myself but know now.

If your happy being that way, then its OK, but if your not, then its OK also as the depression lifting will make you more clear in your own mind as to how you really feel. You might meet someone and things could change.

You may just be a late bloomer though. Plus if your shy then maybe its more like social anxiety and you avoid relationships for that plus feeling like dying is hardly an inspiration to date.

You say you don't need medication because your just an "unhappy loser". Aged 21, I'm not sure what your supposed to have actually won. You've worked 6 months in a fairly trying environment, this is more than a lot of 21 yr olds I know. You've also have some education as a web programmer. I've done this myself - so don't put yourself down! It is a great achievement and if not for the depression you could be doing further study. Many people your age drop out of education due to depression - but you can get back into it once you get the actually depression in the corner and deal it a few blows for messing up your life!

Working in web design is easy. In the meantime, just keep learning about it and design a few websites for voluntary organisations and so on. Having a wide range of computer skills is an asset. I bet you know more than your letting on you know - and with depression you will not blow your own trumpet and accept your talent, God given or whatever you think it comes from.

Your not a loser mate - just someone suffering from a shi*** condition which makes you think you are. There is a big difference between feeling something and that something being real. For example, if I drink too much beer, the room spins, but in reality its not spinning - not really. It is my perception of the world that makes things seem this way. Alcohol, a chemical, does make the brain work in strange ways.

Likewise depression, that is linked with chemical levels in the brain and the medication used like SSRI's simply stop the brain from absorbing the 'excess' chemicals which then stay in the brain and often have a big effect.

For all you know, using some medication might free you from the chains of depression. Some therapy might work wonders also and get you to understand what is happening and teach you methods to correct it.

Can you not talk to your mum or dad about things? He and she must be about my age and although we seem old, me and your dad will remember growing up and we know about depression and how it eats away at people. I'm sure he would be devastated if you killed yourself. You lose a son to suicide and you really think you should have known. That guilt can kill people unless they come to terms with the fact that we can love someone and they can hide a part of their soul from us.

I hope you rethink about going the doctors, because you've been honest with us here and we'll always be honest back. There is no embarrassment about wanting to kill yourself - your doctor would not be shocked as he or she will have heard it many many times. The help would depend on you being honest - and from what you have said here you'd be recommended therapy, perhaps cognitive behavioural therapy. There is an online scheme in the UK promoted by GPs but I think this website is as good as any if you want honest answers regarding advice from people who have been through it.

You would also likely be recommended some anti depressants, and its worth a try IF you really cannot think this dark cloud away and its been over you for years. At least until the medication kicks in (it takes from 2 weeks to 8) you can have some assurance that your trying something new that could work.

There are other factors, you eat well so that is a bonus. Being overweight, I've got many mates overweight and unless they are unable to walk, its not really an issue. If you are a few stone overweight and feel like its good for your health to lose some then tackling the depression combined with exercise will keep you healthy.

you've got a lot to live for - and I think you should phone your doctor or GP and tell him or her what you told us. It is private and confidential - your folks need not know but it helps to tell them as they might just assume your 'moody'. You can be suicidal and appear as something completely different to some people. The tragedy is that the closer we are to people, the less inclined we are to tell them.

You are not an 'unhappy loser', life has barely begun really and being unhappy does not involve planning your own death. A loser does not do a 6 month placement in child care and education. I bet you got good references also? Losers do not programme in web design as the concept us way above the head. Losers do not know their way around a computer.

Child care in pre-school is a big business. It is rewarding also as working with children that age is challenging but you learn a lot and it brings out the good in almost anyone being around children and maybe getting praise off the parents for going the extra half yard or so. You could easily train yourself up to manage one of these places - you'd sail through the 3 year course also because for a 'loser' you seem quite bright - too bright if you ask me.

Sure, your not perfect, but depression can make us seem we are the biggest loser in the world even if we are pretty bright.

So, stick around and reconsider your view on getting treatment. You'd take medical advice if you had a sore ankle but your mind is the most important part of you and you should have a little faith in the NHS.

I think it will change your life for the better - but dig in for a few weeks, post up here if you take meds and get feedback. Many who have success do not come back and post the good news. Most people only come online to discuss depression when things go wrong. This is OK really, people get well and maybe things happen. I hope you do that - but maybe come back now and again to post your progress to those of who do care.

Good luck and take advice off others, not the internal voice of doom and gloom that is depression!! Sadness is normal - feeling like dying everyday without a real good reason is irrational.

Sorry about the long reply but you got me thinking and I'm a fairly fast typist so here we are!

 

[TheBLA]

I'll say guy89, that there are a lot of people like you out there in the world, myself right here included. I'm about 2 years older than you, also a "pathetic loser". I live with my parents, never had a relationship with a girl, only 1 friend, in sharp contrast to how my peers live and how I "should" live. So that causes frustration when you see others your age with girlfriends and lots of friends, super outgoing, and all happy and enjoying life and living each day to the god damned fullest. I know how it feels!

I also feel that once I finally leave my parents house, I will also commit suicide, their support is the only thing holding a weakling like myself to this world. I'm not strong, independent, assertive like my peers and how I'm "supposed" to be. I'm just a dependent, pathetic weakling who SHOULD kill himself, only the strong should survive. I dunno how I can survive in this cruel world by myself suffering from mental illness and having nobody in my life to support me once my family is gone. Sorry for that downer. : (

But your definitely not even close to being alone in your circumstances, especially on this website. Welcome. : )