Doubt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KSF, Oct 16, 2012.

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  1. KSF

    KSF New Member

    Hi all,

    Second post on here and I was persuaded to even post this! I do not talk openly easily never mind on a forum :-/ Its quite difficult.

    In my last post my friend had unearthed an emotion which made me think twice about my plans to end things. I honestly believed she cared and im not now saying she doesnt, but....... im just not sure.

    I think I have distanced myself to a point of no return, ive bottled too much because i dont talk openly, but its just made me worse and now my thoughts and emotions have spiralled out of control.

    Im quite fed up of the front i put on,but yet i dont want people to see or know just how much i hate myself and how desperate i am for an easy way out.

    My friend is a good person and i will never say any other, nor will i let anyone else say any different but im starting to wonder if what she said when i thought she cared was just to stop me and achieve something for herself? I do not mean that in any bad way, she likes to help people and she is very much a peoples person and caring, im just starting to doubt if its possible for ANYONE to truly care about me. Ive never felt like i have fit in anywhere, i always doubt people when they say they trust me or make out they are a friend.

    What i have also noticed is.... i seem to be asking others if they are ok, worrying about them, being there for others.... and i never have any expectations of anyone...but i cannot remember the last time anyone asked me if i am ok? or how i am? Am i reading too much into it? do they not ask because they know i am not ok? or do they just not ask because they really dont care and arnt interested?

    This is what i am starting to wonder. It seems i have battled the last 9 years of an absolute nightmare on my own......so is that how it will be now, on my own in a mess with only one way out?!??

    The reason i am sat here now is because failed attempts have meant i remain on this plane. Im not sure if things have gone too far and now there really is no way out because i have distanced myself too much, too much that i dont feel i can just talk anymore. i cant just drop the odd text saying im low and chatting. I think its got to a point i am even trying really hard that when necessary i am putting the front on to her and making out im ok.

    Is there a way back? or is there just the one way out of such a mess because i dont have the courage to now speak up after bottling too much?
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, KSF. Sorry to hear you're at a really low spot. When we're depressed, it can be really hard to believe that others care - but in my experience, they do. So, I'm guessing that your friend who said she cares, DOES care.

    Sure, there are some people who take our caring and don't give it back to us when we need it. I don't understand those people and have no explanations for them.

    I have learned that holding in my feelings and putting on a front can give other people the idea that I'm coping all right without their care. I'm learning to let others know my feelings. It is important to do that. I'm glad you've started to open up here and hope you'll continue to share so you can find support here. :smile: Things can get better for all of us.
     
  3. forsaken1

    forsaken1 Member

    Well it seems to me that you have an anxiety related to how little you, in your view, express to others (bottled). Try not to be because it doesn't have much effect on others, people tend not to care about this in general (unless its your family). People don't really care if they help because that's just a means towards their own feelings about themselves, and when someone asks you "how are you?" they never really mean it, they could try to help if you tell them that you aren't ok but the reason would be the same, to feel good about themselves, plus their is already an expectation for you to say that you're fine. Anyways its just IMO, I don't mean to make you feel bad about it, its just what I truly believe.
     
  4. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    hey K,

    Just talk, keep talking & sharing & let some of the pressure off your heavy heart.

    But I notice something funny: lots of people here want to die but they dont want anyone else to die. They really DO care about whether the other person makes it. My theory is that pretty nice people tend to get sad (murderers just go out & kill other people). So I think you're surrounded by a lot of pretty kind, sad people! hahah. So we all try to give comfort to the other person. I think also because suicide is a problem with your SELF, wanting to end your SELF.... You want the other person to live because you can see their value.

    Anyway you're not alone, and you can ALWAYS begin to express what's really on your insides. only the moment you're dead, that's when it's TOO LATE. Right up until that moment, you can change AT ANY MOMENT!!! Love.
     
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