Hi all, Second post on here and I was persuaded to even post this! I do not talk openly easily never mind on a forum :-/ Its quite difficult. In my last post my friend had unearthed an emotion which made me think twice about my plans to end things. I honestly believed she cared and im not now saying she doesnt, but....... im just not sure. I think I have distanced myself to a point of no return, ive bottled too much because i dont talk openly, but its just made me worse and now my thoughts and emotions have spiralled out of control. Im quite fed up of the front i put on,but yet i dont want people to see or know just how much i hate myself and how desperate i am for an easy way out. My friend is a good person and i will never say any other, nor will i let anyone else say any different but im starting to wonder if what she said when i thought she cared was just to stop me and achieve something for herself? I do not mean that in any bad way, she likes to help people and she is very much a peoples person and caring, im just starting to doubt if its possible for ANYONE to truly care about me. Ive never felt like i have fit in anywhere, i always doubt people when they say they trust me or make out they are a friend. What i have also noticed is.... i seem to be asking others if they are ok, worrying about them, being there for others.... and i never have any expectations of anyone...but i cannot remember the last time anyone asked me if i am ok? or how i am? Am i reading too much into it? do they not ask because they know i am not ok? or do they just not ask because they really dont care and arnt interested? This is what i am starting to wonder. It seems i have battled the last 9 years of an absolute nightmare on my own......so is that how it will be now, on my own in a mess with only one way out?!?? The reason i am sat here now is because failed attempts have meant i remain on this plane. Im not sure if things have gone too far and now there really is no way out because i have distanced myself too much, too much that i dont feel i can just talk anymore. i cant just drop the odd text saying im low and chatting. I think its got to a point i am even trying really hard that when necessary i am putting the front on to her and making out im ok. Is there a way back? or is there just the one way out of such a mess because i dont have the courage to now speak up after bottling too much?