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Down again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by withlovesunshine, Jan 16, 2015.

  1. withlovesunshine

    withlovesunshine New Member

    Sometimes I'd like to tell myself that I'm getting better at this thing called life but here I am again asking myself why I am here. Last year was the first year I have ever felt suicidal, I've been diagnosed with depression for four years and I've been trying so hard not to lose hope. The only thing that's keeping me here are my sisters, my boyfriend, and friends. With lack of food, work, phone's cut off, no vehicle, a huge amount of money coming out of my cheque every month for rent is not making things any better; no matter what I do to try and change things or find a solution something, some obstacle gets in the way making it completely impossible to resolve. Fears that I'll end up homeless and having no where to go, I don't choose to talk to my loved ones about how I'm doing because it will stress them out knowing there's not much they can do. I cry everytime I think about commiting suicide, I know the harm I would do to my loved ones if I just cut loose. It's just so hard, I'm so tired. I have no family, just have to fend for myself, both of my sisters are fine- one has support from her boyfriend and the other is traveling while she can before she's 19 and gets cut off funding from the government. I'm still concerned for her though. My boyfriend is this amazing human being, I could never harm myself to harm him... He does so much for me and shows that he cares, he luckily still lives at home, works a good paying job to support me here and there but my problem is that I'm independent, I want to support myself without any help but how? I want to get out of this but how? I don't know what I want to do in life, or how to get there if I had the slightest clue. It's always about money that's the problem, I always asked myself if I had more money would this sadness go away? Would this fix everything? Sigh. I don't know how much longer I could hold on. I just feel like things would be better if I were dead
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Money (or lack of it) makes everything difficult and it is really easy to get stressed and overwhelmed. You say lack of food - what country are you in? Have you made sure that you are accessing all the help you can from the government? I know that it is hard to job hunt when you don't know what you want to do - but I actually found that working was the very best thing for my depression, and it certainly made the money thing less stressful.

    If rent is the biggest issue, perhaps you can look at ways to reduce that outgoing - do you live alone? Maybe you can look for some shared accommodation instead to make thing more manageable financially?

    It is good that you have wonderful people in your life, though I understand why you don't want to stress them out - talk to us here and maybe we can help you figure out ways to make small changes to lessen the stress in your life.