Down and want to use

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by lightning05, Apr 26, 2016.

  1. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I hate being a drug addict. When I am down the first thing I want to do is use. Luckily, I have no access to prescription pills. I actually get anxiety when I am around them, yet the craving for that numb high is there so much. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way since I have been clean for a while. I know I won't use - there's no way I can undo the past 4 years of sobriety - but the urge is what is bothering me. How can someone who vows to never touch that stuff again still want it? I'm ashamed of myself.

    This brings me to a dilemma. I have been thinking about medication for my depression/suicidal thoughts for a while now because I've been battling suicidal ideation for a little over a month. I've had recurring suicidal phases before in my life and almost took my life a few years ago, but I am so sick of it and want these thoughts to go away, even if only for a little while. I know medicine isn't a cure all and it may have the opposite effect and make me more suicidal. There's also a chance it could also help me so much, but I am so terrified to try it because of my previous addiction to pills. Nowadays I have to be in a lot of pain to even take a motrin and sometimes I take the smallest dose possible. I'd rather be in pain than take a pill because it brings me anxiety.

    I feel like I ruined medication for myself. I'm too scared of getting hooked onto something and I am ashamed that I want something to make me high.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am proud of you for staying sober for so long! And for you fighting it still!
    It takes a lot of strength to stay that way, and you are doing a great job at it!

    You should talk to your doctor or a psychiatrist about these pills. I understand that you're afraid to 'fall off the wagon', but maybe if you made them aware of this issue they could monitor it for you? And maybe even prescribe smaller amounts at a time to avoid you overusing?

    About getting high... what about replacing it with more natural highs? like hard exercise etc? The adrenaline can give you a rush! I got that when I was still physically able...
  3. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I do a good amount of running, about 4 times a week 4 miles at a time and Yoga, so I definitely get the adrenaline rushes and runners high from that and I do like the way it feels.

    I've been on the fence about meds for so long. I tried Zoloft before and it gave me these weird brain zaps and made me extremely reckless and uninhibited. Even thinking about meds gives me anxiety. I want to feel better "naturally" but I wonder if I need a boost? I've been going back and forth with this for literally months. It's a tough choice for me to make and my doc and therapist keep saying it's up to me to decide. So no decision is being made..