I hate being a drug addict. When I am down the first thing I want to do is use. Luckily, I have no access to prescription pills. I actually get anxiety when I am around them, yet the craving for that numb high is there so much. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way since I have been clean for a while. I know I won't use - there's no way I can undo the past 4 years of sobriety - but the urge is what is bothering me. How can someone who vows to never touch that stuff again still want it? I'm ashamed of myself. This brings me to a dilemma. I have been thinking about medication for my depression/suicidal thoughts for a while now because I've been battling suicidal ideation for a little over a month. I've had recurring suicidal phases before in my life and almost took my life a few years ago, but I am so sick of it and want these thoughts to go away, even if only for a little while. I know medicine isn't a cure all and it may have the opposite effect and make me more suicidal. There's also a chance it could also help me so much, but I am so terrified to try it because of my previous addiction to pills. Nowadays I have to be in a lot of pain to even take a motrin and sometimes I take the smallest dose possible. I'd rather be in pain than take a pill because it brings me anxiety. I feel like I ruined medication for myself. I'm too scared of getting hooked onto something and I am ashamed that I want something to make me high.