Down, down, down

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Justsolost, Mar 4, 2010.

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  1. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone. I've battled with depression and dangerously low self-esteem for at least half of my life. I've read the stories of some of you on here, and my heart goes out to you all. So many of you have suffered such incredible hardships, and yet you still find the strength to log-on here and help each other out. That alone is very inspiring to me!

    My story, however, is a bit difficult for me to describe. I don't know if I can ever remember a time when I actually felt like a valuable person. There's absolutely no way for me to justify that I'm a useless, pathetic excuse for a human being, and yet it's how I often feel.

    I did well in college, working very hard, and if all goes well in another few years I'll be practicing medicine. So I'm what many people would refer to as a 'success'. But I sure don't see myself that way..... I was always socially isolated, and felt so lost because of it........ But is that any reason for me to have self-esteem problems THIS bad??? I don't know what I can do about it, because I don't have a clue what the underlying causes are. I suppose it's possible some biochemical pathway regarding a neurotransmitter or related molecule could be causing some of the problems; believe me I've studied that type of stuff in reasonable detail, and that yes, the slightest 'imbalance' if you want to call it that can have significant consequences.

    As I've said before, I don't think I'm in any immediate danger of suicide (although I think about it maybe a few dozen times a day, not good I know). But I know that if something serious triggered me, that I could see myself 'doing something stupid'. Because, sometimes, I just feel so awful about myself, that I think I'm lost in life, and that suicide seems reasonable...... I know it isn't, but I still feel like it is. It should be obvious by now that my feelings and my rational mind are often in opposition to one another.

    Basically everyone I've met on here so far thinks I need professional help. My tiny handful of friends who I've been able to talk to over the years also think I need help. And I, the rational part of me, know that I need help. Once I get health insurance (should be in a few months) I'm going to try to find the willpower to force myself into getting help. I've come to the conclusion that I can't mention the suicidal thoughts, but that won't stop me from seeking therapy/maybe even meds for the depression.

    Thanks for reading, take care everyone.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Well done for posting. Has it helped it write that out?

    I'm sorry your life has been blighted so much by your depression and self esteem problems. It may be that your depression causes those self esteem probles, or vice versa. There may be a reason for it (however seemingly unimportant), or it may just be something unfortunate you have to deal with due to an imbalance.

    It seems like you are reluctant to seek help, is there a particular reason for that? Also, is there a particular reason to not mention the suicidal thoughts?

    I wonder if in the meantime you could try looking for a support group or something in your area that you could maybe attend.

    Also, you could do work on yourself to work on your self esteem to improve it. You could try some things from this thread or you could try something like using CBT via a book (one the professionals often work alongside) and doing basic CBT with yourself. The book I'm thinking of is Mind Over Mood by Christine Padesky (but get the one for the client, not the practitioner). It has loads of useful stuff in, work sheets, things to do, all sorts. It might be worth a try, maybe.

    I also just wanted to say that whilst it is horrid that you think of suicide so often, its good that right now you don't intend to act on those thoughts :)
  3. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply. It definitely helps me to write about this; it's basically my way of 'talking' things out right now. That self-esteem improvement link you gave is EXTREMELY helpful. I've already tried a couple of those ideas before, and they did seem to make a difference. I need to put a lot more effort/focus into trying and improve my self-esteem, so thanks so much for those terrific ideas!

    As for the getting help part.......

    I need help, and a substantial part of me wants to get it. I'm very reluctant to mention ANYTHING regarding suicidal thoughts, though, because there are mental stability considerations that can be taken into account when reviewing a doctor's 'fitness' to practice medicine. I've worked much of my life towards my goal of becoming a health professional, and I just, I can't risk losing that by telling some random psychiatrist that I think about killing myself.

    So, I'm going to do the next best thing by getting help for my depression and self-esteem, while keeping my mouth shut about suicidal thoughts. I don't see any other options.
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