Hi everyone. I've battled with depression and dangerously low self-esteem for at least half of my life. I've read the stories of some of you on here, and my heart goes out to you all. So many of you have suffered such incredible hardships, and yet you still find the strength to log-on here and help each other out. That alone is very inspiring to me! My story, however, is a bit difficult for me to describe. I don't know if I can ever remember a time when I actually felt like a valuable person. There's absolutely no way for me to justify that I'm a useless, pathetic excuse for a human being, and yet it's how I often feel. I did well in college, working very hard, and if all goes well in another few years I'll be practicing medicine. So I'm what many people would refer to as a 'success'. But I sure don't see myself that way..... I was always socially isolated, and felt so lost because of it........ But is that any reason for me to have self-esteem problems THIS bad??? I don't know what I can do about it, because I don't have a clue what the underlying causes are. I suppose it's possible some biochemical pathway regarding a neurotransmitter or related molecule could be causing some of the problems; believe me I've studied that type of stuff in reasonable detail, and that yes, the slightest 'imbalance' if you want to call it that can have significant consequences. As I've said before, I don't think I'm in any immediate danger of suicide (although I think about it maybe a few dozen times a day, not good I know). But I know that if something serious triggered me, that I could see myself 'doing something stupid'. Because, sometimes, I just feel so awful about myself, that I think I'm lost in life, and that suicide seems reasonable...... I know it isn't, but I still feel like it is. It should be obvious by now that my feelings and my rational mind are often in opposition to one another. Basically everyone I've met on here so far thinks I need professional help. My tiny handful of friends who I've been able to talk to over the years also think I need help. And I, the rational part of me, know that I need help. Once I get health insurance (should be in a few months) I'm going to try to find the willpower to force myself into getting help. I've come to the conclusion that I can't mention the suicidal thoughts, but that won't stop me from seeking therapy/maybe even meds for the depression. Thanks for reading, take care everyone.