Down in a Hole

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zepherous, Jun 23, 2008.

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  1. Zepherous

    Zepherous New Member

    Man its been quite a while. Really. Shit, I don't know a damn one of you on this forum but you feel like the only people that'll understand. So here goes my story...

    According to the people who I'm supposed to call friends, I have "potential." I am one of the most unique, however, spritley motherfuckers that you will ever meet. [Excuse all the swearing, and I dont mean it offensively but that's the way I've gotta ramble about this situation.] I have apparently an uncanny ability to motivate the most depressed guy in the world to the point that he thinks he could overthrow Microsoft and become the richest guy on the planet or become the fucken president of the United States or some shit. Damn, I gotta tell you guys that looking back on all of that and fuck man, that just doesn't seem real anymore... I can't believe that was me. An optomist.

    Here I sit now. This, my friends, has got to be the shittest year of my life from the get go. Now, last year, I have to admit, being guilty of perhaps overworking to get my degree in audio engineering. Balancing that with the fact that I am in a fucken chronic pain because there's a bone in my knee that shouldn't be there and my knee cap has moved up a good five inches... and I wore a happy face through it all.... until one day, I cracked. I have the most out of it fear of hospitals or anything medical because of a nightmare babyhood and early childhood which make me want to jump out a window when I even just go and visit someone in one of the damn places... so then the MRI on my knee comes back, and I've gotta have surgery. But hey, its better than pain right? And I got myself a beautiful girl that I love to death, so in the longrun, Im doing it for her and me and our kids if we were to ever have any. It doesn't bother me as much knowing she's there. My grandpa, who is as strong as a fucking ox also is someone I can talk to... he's one of a kind... an 88 year old that was still out working, chopping firewood, a man of the house until three years prior when his hips gave out leaving him on crutches. So much like me, he knows what day to day pain is like. We choose not to bitch and moan about it, and if anything, we're more generous and warm-hearted now, than ever before. I know my family wouldnt be much in the way of supporting me through something like this - not that they dont care I guess... maybe they just arent all that interested... but my grandpa and my girlfriend are all the family I need.

    So rolling on through December, and my grandpa is in hospital... just for a regular check ups and stuff which come back that appart from his hips, he is doing just fine. They dont want to do surgery on him because of his age and fear that his heart cannot handle it, even though and epidural would solve the problem, that's the fucken family fighting again and when you're on the loosing side and the grandparents dont exactly live that close to you, what can you do? He ultimately opted not to have one anyway.

    January's rolling on in, and its gonna be a good year. Its a new year, and a year where I can put the past eight nightmare months behind me. I've got my knee surgery in March, so get it over quick and early... yeah, that should be good. The downhill slide starts almost immediately.
    January 5th, my grandpa shockingly passes away due to a kidney faliure of some description... I'm left shaken, but in a way, I feel good knowing he's in a better place and that he will be out of whatever pain he had been in... but still, that consumes to this day, a big part of me. But hey, wherever he is, he'll still be looking down on me, and my girlfriend's still here to support me and as long as we've got each other, we dont care what goes on around us...

    February. Maybe the anxiety of my upcoming knee surgery is getting to me a bit, but that's natural, and I'm just thinking of the long-term benefits of it anyway. Then... on February 5th... exactly one month to the day of my grandpa's passing, my girlfriend leaves me.
    Nothing had been going wrong. The thing with my girlfriend though was, that she was very easily led... I was the only one in her life that let her really be her. Her parents, her dad especially, wanted her to be the girl they wanted her to be. He wanted her to work at a chemist, study chemistry [which she had no interest in] or if that didnt work, flip burgers and serve fries at a fucking McDonalds. I aint having that fucken shit. I'd been motivating her to follow her dreams... get some qualifications in art, which is what she was good at... she could make a lot more money in the longrun if she worked for the right qualifications there. She was dedicated enough and passionate enough that she could do it... Im the only one encouraging her to do it and she couldn't be more thankfull.
    Her best friends... the "best" one in particular... arent really friends at all. This best friend is the puppiteer and my girlfriend and other mates are the fucken puppets, led around like sheep. Her friends didnt get involved in our relationship on a personal level at all until they found out I was (effectively) letting her be herself and she was having fun in the process. So then the jelousy sinks in and her friends pressure her into breaking up with me and convince her to (pretend) I dont exist anymore.
    They paint me out to be the worse guy in the world to my ex's family and make wild accusations that make them dislike me. So I try to talk to my ex to try and sort all this shit out, cause I am very confused.... her "best friend" steps in for her and makes me feel like I hurt her to a great degree.... now at the time I didnt know what a bitch my ex's best mate could be - so with her saying that, I was trying shit left and right to make whatever I did wrong, up to my ex - because im pretty much lost without her.
    Her not giving me any acknowledgement in return was further backing up the statements her best friend was making that I had hurt her and she wanted nothing to do with me, even though I couldnt really see how I could have hurt her.

    March, and still not a word from my ex. I need surgery. Three days before its scheduled, I take a second shot at my life. The first one came the day my ex broke up with me, but I decided against it, because I still love her and wouldnt want her blaming herself for anything.
    The serious attempt on my life is a faliure and almost winds me up in hospital anyway... lucky it didnt... or is it?
    For the next six months up until now, I have been on a guilt trip, trying to prove to the fucking love of my life that I still have feelings for her... in some ways, I know she still loves me... or is that overthinking? But I can tell she does, every time I see her now, she doesnt say a word but she gives me the same smile she used to when we'd do all that lovey dovey stuff and tell each other we loved one another. Why just today, her "best friend" - and the quote marks are because of how pathetic of a best friend this person is - litterally... physically, pulled my ex away from a group of people she was talking to. Her "friends" treat her like shit, yet all the while, im sitting here... I love her to death. Im in pain... I cant get my surgeries without her... and I'd rather be dead than go through with this heartbreak... I've tried every method I have been able to think of to try and show her I love her, but she is becoming harder to approach because I've already tried so much to no avail...
    if her best friend would fuck off for 10 minutes maybe I could get her to talk to me, but see the thing is, she would just run back to her best friend and tell her everything I said... her best friend sticks her nose in our business again... problem is worse.

    I've been advised by her friends that if I want to get her attention, I should go through with my plans to kill myself. They only tell me this because they don't know how serious I am. But I am at the point now where I know it will slap her in the face and have all of them wake up and realise how serious I was about all of this.

    I've heard it time and again... my life isnt worth taking over some girl... but we're both innocent in our own ways, and if it meant at the end of the day that she could see that I love her, I would do it. I want to do it. I have a gun and I've got a week left.
    I do not fear death. I am actually excited about this. I cant wait to get out of this emotional and physical hell.

    I know this sounds crazy, but understand that I have never felt this way about anyone before. She's like heroin to me, and no this isnt a System of a Down song - she really is. She's the thing thats been giving my life purpose, my only go-to person... and i've tried to get over her and move on - but moving on for me is killing myself... that's how much I am actually excited about this...

    Im turning to you guys for guidance.
  2. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member


    Do not listen to her friends. You seem to have a lot going for you in your life. Girls can be bitchy and nasty andyou shouldn't take any notice of them.
    You deserve better than your ex she is not worth the hassel or your life. I know you prob love her but there will be an amazing supportive female who will stand by you know matter what just waiting for you. Find a girl who has nice friends. Unfortunately girls stand by each other.

    Keep talking and posting.

  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    When they leave you and stay gone for so long it pretty much should tell you it's over. Now do you follow her girlfriends advice and end it, or do you suck it up and show them that it doesn't matter anymore!I went with the same shit with my exfiance.She freaked out in her forties and went goth. She was staying gone for three or four nights a week. She even had the balls to bring one of the guys home with her. I was sleeping because I was working third shift.
    She ripped me off for how ever much was ledt of the $18,000 I gace her to put in the bank to pay off bills. I found out she hasn't paid my truck payment in three months, so they took it back. In the long run I was done packing my stuff and was on the last load to put my stuff in storage. She comes to me and tells me she has been in the physc ward because she o.d. She said she loves me and wants to stay together. I thought it over for about two minutes and told her no!! the trust was gone and you can't have a relationship without it.
    My advice is to let her go. You will meet someone who has her own mind and isn't led around by her nose. Good Luck...:chopper:
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