Down low, yet again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ScarsandHopes, Dec 8, 2008.

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  1. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    I can't shake this feeling. It feels like I'm getting crushed. I'll wake up, pretty good; I'll go to school and sit through it, getting better; And then I'll go home, still good; But by nightfall I'm sitting here wishing I'd just die.

    I cry, I cut, I drink, I smoke, I take my meds, I do drugs. Nothing will make it go away. Every freaking day it's like Deja Vu. I'm pulling out my hair just to know what an emotion other than depressed feels like. Every day I go through the same emotions, the same drifts, the same thoughts. What would it have been like had I stayed in Kansas, what would I feel like had my relationships lasted. Would my life had been better had I not gone to the psych ward?

    I just wish something would hit me, something to show me life is worth living. Hell, I've lost almost everything that's made it worth living. I'm afraid of facing tomorrow, and the next day, and so on. It's not that I'm living in fear, because I'm really not afraid of anything, but I'm still scared that if I ended it maybe I'd miss out on something grand. but, I just can't find that 'grand' thing to keep me holding on... Love, maybe that's what I need, maybe I'm looking for it too much, so it doesn't come to me? Hell if I know, but what I do know is that I'm falling behind in life. I just wish I could wake up and feel good for an entire day... Or just not wake up at all :cry2:
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Scarsandhopes,

    I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low again.

    Drinking and taking drugs will never make you feel any better. Alcohol is a depressant and drugs just aren't the answer. Also mixing medication with alcohol could be making you more depressed. Perhaps your medication isn't working, maybe you should talk to your doctor. Do you see a counselor? I hope you feel better soon hun :hug:

    Always here if you need to talk,Lynn.
  3. palmtrees

    palmtrees Well-Known Member

    This is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. Is there anything you really like to do? Any hobbies, interests, activities? Keeping busy usually keeps my mind off the depression.
  4. Jooper62

    Jooper62 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for posting... i needed to hear that myself
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey ScarsandHopes,
    Have you been to a shrink yet? You really should see one so you can be diagnosed. Don't be afraid to go they put there pants on just like you do. If you can't afford one then by all means go to the hospital and let them know you are suicidal and want to act on it that you don't feel safe. That should help get you admitted.
    Then usually the next morning you will see a shrink and possibly a therapist. They will determin what needs to be done and when you are ready to be released ask for phone # to any organizations that will help for free or a minimal fee. I see a shrink thru a facility called ACT, and I get my meds thru them also. My therapist (who I highly reccomend) I have medicare now so it pays her most of my fee but it still costs me $40.00 a visit.
    There is help out there you just have to find it. My therapist is always telling me there is only one reason to look back and that is to back out of a parking space. You need to live in the now, and set goals to your future. For now just focus on each day. It sounds like you only have this problem at night. Thats where a good therapist comes in. Take Care!~Joseph~
  6. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    I've been to a to a psych ward twice, and not even they will take me back. They diagnosed me with Major Depression, Severe Anxiety, Schizophrenia (BS), Bi-Polar, and labeled me an alcoholic on my permanent record.

    As for the shrink, I had one for about 3 years. And it seemed like he would tell me the same thing and ask me the same things every single time I went in. It just got too repetitive =/

    And as to the hobby comment, I used to play trumpet (still do kinda), but drugs and smoking took that away from me. I've sacrificed a lot for drugs, smoking, and alcohol. And the way I look at it, if I can't have both, I might as well have one =/
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    O.K. i was just trying to help! You didn't mention if you have seen a therapist?
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