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Down to my last

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Alright,so I've had it.Today was the day that I realized I no longer wish to carry on in life.

Let me tell you abit about myself.

The name's Ryan.I'm 19,and in the US.

I was born in Germany,and moved to America sometime after that.
Basically we settled down and I started going to school.
I remember from Pre-school and up.
Pre-school through 4th grade were the only good years of school I had.Then,shit starting getting deep.
I was placed in a Special needs class in 3rd grade.My mom and the school recommend it(great fuckin job mom)I supposetely was very hyper at that age.

In 5th grade,It started.I started to get picked on because I was in special needs class.

It went on and on and on.6th grade.Middle school.I got bullied so much and picked on by my own family.

Then I dropped out of the special needs class because my family and I realized I didn't have a special need.I was normal.

Sorry to be basic(I'm trying to remember everything)

(Still at my 6th grade year)
I had a deep deep voice back then,so kids in my classes would mock me and make fun of my voice.I got to the point of me not taking that shit anymore and confronting the bullies themselves.Well oneday I was walking from music class.Had a terrible day there.This one scmuck follows me out of the class and tripps me.I fall flat on my stomach,hitting my elbow hardly on the solid floor.I remember getting up right after that and screaming,then I grabbed him by his collar and hit him so hard in the face.It felt good to give that snot nosed piece of shit what he deserved..It really did.

A year goes by,7th grade.Things aren't much better.I eventually end up dropping out of school and go on to persue an GED education.

MY dad tought me homeschool.It was alright until I started having problems in math..He'd sit there calling me names and bash fucking pens on my head until I cried.After our little bad day,he'd go out and buy me a toy.Thinking back on that makes me fucking sick.

Homeschool was not a good experience for me.It traumitized me.
Well when I was about 15-16 still in homeshcool,my dad got this movie called "full metal jacket"Dont get me wrong,good film.But there was this character called Pvt.Pyle.Basically a fat guy.Well due to me being traumitized at homeschool and being bullied all of my life,I developed an eating disorder.I was fairly overweight being 224LBS at my top@ only being 15 16.

My dad started making remarks about how I'm pvt pyle.A stupid no good fat piece of shit.

This weighed on my mind for a long time..(I inturn developed another eating disorder,I starved myself to skin and bones until I decided I wans't fat anymore.

Those were some bad days.
Sorry to ramble on and on.
I want to get to today.

Currentely I'm 19.

I'm fairly tall and in decent shape(I do weightlifting)
The problem is,is that I still live with my parents,and It feels like I've got nothing done in life.Sure I graduated @16 with an GED.I'm in college now and doing fairly decent up until now(I'll get to that)
The missing soulution to the equation is the fact that I don't have any friends.

I never..never ever had not 1 friend I could count on.To be there when I needed them.I never had a girlfriend yet.I'm still a fucking virgin.Years of isolation and self destruction took all of those away.

All I want in life is to be happy.Is to have friends and to have a nice girl.I'm a young guy,and I want a piece of ass!I'm sure all the guys here understand!;)

Despite having what I call a horrid life,I managed to be a realatively funny/outgoing person when I'm in the mood.I chill with groups of people(not friends)and usually have a good time.

But yesterday,something changed in me.I woke up,I keep telling myself.I realize that for 19 years.I have managed to achieve nothing.I'm just another brick in the wall holding the foundation for my own demise.I keep having problems with my family(they're fucking wierd as hell.Act all old style with disipline and shit)I'm 19,and I need to get out.I don;t have a job not do I have money,so my hands are tied!:X

Anyway,back to what I was saying.I realize I have nothing left to live for.I feel very unhappy with myself,and with my life.
I feel as if that no matter what happens,I still want to end my life.

And truth be honest.I don't even want to die.Like I said,I'm a young soul that yearns for romance and springs for good opportunity.I'm destroying myself by having these feelings.I just want them to stop.

I'm indeed sorry for the long post,I just want to give anyone that can relate to me plento of info.

Hope some people can help me out!




Staff Alumni
Hi Ryan and welcome...have you spoken to a professional about how you feel and the trauma you have gone through...how awful to be labelled in that way and bullied...and yes, wish I could have punched out a few ppl myself..although I did get back at one of the bullies...I was a ground stew for an airlines when I was 19...my hair was dyed and I lost a lot of weight to the point where ppl did not recognize me...the chief bully was boarding the plane and I had his luggage sent accross the country in the opposite direction to where he was going...felt so good, I am sorry to say...please continue to post...there are so many of us who struggle with the issues you wrote...welcome again, J
Thanks man,appreciate the reply:)
Nope.I've only spoken to my sister.She's the only one I can trust right now.She say's that I'm a good person,and that I'm worth having around.

Yeah,it was pretty awful to say at least!
Sorry to hear about your story,I'm glad you got back at one of them though!:)



Staff Alumni
Maybe speaking to a therapist would help...you have been through so much and I think we internalize it as being our fault when it is a wonder, with all you went through, you are so intact...please do not hurt the victim; you did not deserve that treatment, and should not continue to inflict that pain on yourself...you are bright and caring and you were set up to fail...it is a wonder you got you GED and are in college...please give yourself credit for all you have done inspite of them...J
Yeah,maybe so.I'll wait alittle longer until I'm bothered out of my mind.(Hope it doesnt have to come to that!)

Thanks for the response man,I'm finding out quickly that I'm not alone.And that in itself is helping alittle.

Thanks,I'll try to look on the brighter side of things!


Account Closed
sorry to hear the horrid school life and homelife you had!!!
at 19 was the first time i felt suicidal too.
it was then i decided to live life for just me.
i couldnt care less about anyone or anything else.
as i let go of the reins possitive things started coming into my life.
i learnt the further i got away from my original problems the better i was.
my advice which i hope helps is that you can turn people off and keep them out of your life. build your own life in the way you want it to be and let all the negative things go past.
take care of yourself and your health and if you feel overwhelmed medication and therapy does help, although it takes time to tweek things there is medicinal help.


Well-Known Member
I know exactly what it means to feel like you've accomplished nothing and I'm 27. I think that feeling just comes with depression. No matter how much impact you've made or how much good you've done, depression has a way of making it all seem insignificant. As far as friends go, I'd say just be open to possibility. You might have to go it alone at some social gatherings and it might be awkward at first, but I think as long as you put yourself out there, you can find acceptance in some sort of group. Socializing can be very hard when you're depressed, but I do think it's usually for the best. Hope you feel better and things look up for you soon.
Hey guys,I appreciate your replies:D

I see some of you can relate to this.

@neanderthal,thanks for the advice.I'm going to start doing that to the best of my ability.I should only care about the people who really care about me,not people who harmed me or want to play a damn game.

@DrNick,sorry to hear about your sistuation,I hope you can get it together as well:)and thanks for your advice as well!:D
As you said,I will be more interactive when I can.I already play football with some guys I partly know and socialize with them just fine.But I suppose just being happy on a social note will involve me trying harder.

Thanks guys!
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