Alright,so I've had it.Today was the day that I realized I no longer wish to carry on in life. Let me tell you abit about myself. The name's Ryan.I'm 19,and in the US. I was born in Germany,and moved to America sometime after that. Basically we settled down and I started going to school. I remember from Pre-school and up. Pre-school through 4th grade were the only good years of school I had.Then,shit starting getting deep. I was placed in a Special needs class in 3rd grade.My mom and the school recommend it(great fuckin job mom)I supposetely was very hyper at that age. In 5th grade,It started.I started to get picked on because I was in special needs class. It went on and on and on.6th grade.Middle school.I got bullied so much and picked on by my own family. Then I dropped out of the special needs class because my family and I realized I didn't have a special need.I was normal. Sorry to be basic(I'm trying to remember everything) (Still at my 6th grade year) I had a deep deep voice back then,so kids in my classes would mock me and make fun of my voice.I got to the point of me not taking that shit anymore and confronting the bullies themselves.Well oneday I was walking from music class.Had a terrible day there.This one scmuck follows me out of the class and tripps me.I fall flat on my stomach,hitting my elbow hardly on the solid floor.I remember getting up right after that and screaming,then I grabbed him by his collar and hit him so hard in the face.It felt good to give that snot nosed piece of shit what he deserved..It really did. A year goes by,7th grade.Things aren't much better.I eventually end up dropping out of school and go on to persue an GED education. MY dad tought me homeschool.It was alright until I started having problems in math..He'd sit there calling me names and bash fucking pens on my head until I cried.After our little bad day,he'd go out and buy me a toy.Thinking back on that makes me fucking sick. Homeschool was not a good experience for me.It traumitized me. Well when I was about 15-16 still in homeshcool,my dad got this movie called "full metal jacket"Dont get me wrong,good film.But there was this character called Pvt.Pyle.Basically a fat guy.Well due to me being traumitized at homeschool and being bullied all of my life,I developed an eating disorder.I was fairly overweight being 224LBS at my top@ only being 15 16. My dad started making remarks about how I'm pvt pyle.A stupid no good fat piece of shit. This weighed on my mind for a long time..(I inturn developed another eating disorder,I starved myself to skin and bones until I decided I wans't fat anymore. Those were some bad days. Sorry to ramble on and on. I want to get to today. Currentely I'm 19. I'm fairly tall and in decent shape(I do weightlifting) The problem is,is that I still live with my parents,and It feels like I've got nothing done in life.Sure I graduated @16 with an GED.I'm in college now and doing fairly decent up until now(I'll get to that) The missing soulution to the equation is the fact that I don't have any friends. I never..never ever had not 1 friend I could count on.To be there when I needed them.I never had a girlfriend yet.I'm still a fucking virgin.Years of isolation and self destruction took all of those away. All I want in life is to be happy.Is to have friends and to have a nice girl.I'm a young guy,and I want a piece of ass!I'm sure all the guys here understand! Despite having what I call a horrid life,I managed to be a realatively funny/outgoing person when I'm in the mood.I chill with groups of people(not friends)and usually have a good time. But yesterday,something changed in me.I woke up,I keep telling myself.I realize that for 19 years.I have managed to achieve nothing.I'm just another brick in the wall holding the foundation for my own demise.I keep having problems with my family(they're fucking wierd as hell.Act all old style with disipline and shit)I'm 19,and I need to get out.I don;t have a job not do I have money,so my hands are tied!:X Anyway,back to what I was saying.I realize I have nothing left to live for.I feel very unhappy with myself,and with my life. I feel as if that no matter what happens,I still want to end my life. And truth be honest.I don't even want to die.Like I said,I'm a young soul that yearns for romance and springs for good opportunity.I'm destroying myself by having these feelings.I just want them to stop. I'm indeed sorry for the long post,I just want to give anyone that can relate to me plento of info. Hope some people can help me out! Thanks Ryan.