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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Thomas33, Apr 16, 2012.

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  1. Thomas33

    Thomas33 Member

    Hi, Im Thomas, the reason behind my title is because I am literally counting down the weeks until I go - or I should say - want to go. Something small happened to me - well its massive to me - but small in everyone elses eyes but something clicked inside me last September and ever since then I haven't been thinking right. Now all I want is out.
    I have tried before a few years ago with <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> but all that gave me was yellow eyes and a bad stomach for days. This time I have found a sure fire way of doing it - and there is a pun in that last line - that I can't make a mistake.
    I've been to the samaritans, i've been put on antidepressants (which made it worse) and now my Dr wants me to talk to someone but in all honesty, I couldn't really care.
    I've read so many sites for help that im getting bored hearing the same thing.
    "Time heals all" and everything else but what happens when you don't want that time? Knowing I will have to spend the rest of my life knowing things I wish I never knew, so instead i'm going to solve the problem completly.

    Whatever help you give, I will listen, I promise.
     
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Re: Counting Down

    hi thomas and welcome to suicide forums.. lot of ppl on here have felt like you do now and most of the others are still here,, alive and kicking.. that is good sir.. not sure how many different pill combinations you and yhour doc have tried but there are many and speaking personally cause i have the right combination now it makes a ton of difference..

    am taking it you have not tried personal therapy yet. well that can also make a huge difference with the right one.. one who listens carefully at first .. and then with some care and empathy and smarts can help you out of the darkness.. i have found the right one there also and it has helped tremendously to have someone with me who cares so very much just about me..

    thomas death is just htat.. it is all over and done and rotting flesh.. never goign to change and get any better then.. we do not advocate that here at all.. we advocate life , better and going in a positive direction..

    if you click on my username and then send message feel welcome to talk to me anytime.. tell me to shove it, or anything else is ok.. if you are talking to me means you are still alive and kickin' and i like that much better than the alternative.. look around this website.. lots of forums. busy chatrooms.. you take care thomas.. Jim
     
  3. Thomas33

    Thomas33 Member

    Re: Counting Down

    Thanks for replying Jim, I have been looking at your website all morning instead of doing my work. Like everyone else on here, there has been so many things that should have broken me years ago but it took one small thing to be lost and myself to be betrayed, but that one thing was what my life evolved around and in my 32 years of living, I have never been so happy as I was then. I have dealt with death, violence and everything else and I have no idea why this has messed me up so badly.
    I have my first counselling session this Friday and the Dr is going to see which meds are best for me as i've lost 3 stone in as many months.
    The worse thing is, when I actually think about not being here anymore, no more thinking or obsesseing over the past - I actually get excited like im waiting for a holiday.
    *Sigh* Expect more posts from me - I hope :)
     
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Re: Counting Down

    thomas really is ironic and not really fair what throws one entirely off of it all.. mine was the loss of closest friend since 1965 a few years ago. mary is never really gone though.. see her beautiful smiling face there all the time. good luck friday thomas with the counseling session.. if one has never really opened up before is a bit scary and overwhelming.. best is a little at a time.. not the long version or the silent bit either.. took awhile to build the walls up and is going to take some work and time to unbuild them.. best wishes sir.. Jim
     
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Re: Counting Down

    Hi Thomas, welcome to SF. I can understand what you're going through...I have a countdown myself, if things don't turn out right in my life. But I'm still here keeping on, seeing what happens from one day to the next...I still have some hope that things will improve. I hope that you won't do anything and that you will find the help you're looking for here.
     
  6. Thomas33

    Thomas33 Member

    Re: Counting Down

    Thanks guys. you know, i had a really good night with my friends last night, we laughed and enjoyed a few beers but i still couldnt snap
    out of the idea of not being here. its so strange, yes ive attempted it b4 but this time it almost feels right. I have no doubt it wil hurt a lot of people but looking at my friends last night, listening talking about their children and holidays coming up.... i know eventually they will forget, their lives are happy.
     
  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Re: Counting Down

    thomas a hug headed in your direction now.. i ain;t never going to give up and want to lose you.. that's just me.. lol yes this would hurt some people very deeply if you follow thru with ending it all.. hope some good things change your mind on this.. later, Jim
     
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: Counting Down

    Thomas, - hi - & please excuse the brevity of my msg -not a lot of time just now -but I do get the distinct impression you really do not want to go - just need some help sorting out about that 'small thing' that happened to you - I'd like to help
     
  9. Thomas33

    Thomas33 Member

    Re: Counting Down

    Hi Precious, you are right, the part of me that wants a career, wants a life is making me seek help but theres still all these horrible thoughts about doing it, its almost become an obsession. I went to see someone last week and they said its a chemical inbalance so that when I have certain thoughts, my brain releases these chemicals and sets off the depression and the meds they have given me are to stop these chemicals from working so I can think about stuff without getting too depressed, apparently they take a month before they kick in, I don't feel a thing right now.
    If I still want to be here by September the latest, I need to get better.
     
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: Counting Down

    Hi Thomas...... ahh, the horrible thoughts - I know them well :( I read a passage from a book yesterday by a guy who I value a great deal for his insight into this sort of thing.

    when things rise up in our minds to trouble us, try to 'taste' them, or 'smell' them to describe their essence - like what is it these thoughts are causing me to feel? if it's 'fear' - this is what he wrote:

    "The fears that assault us are mostly simple anxieties about social skills, about intimacy, about likeableness, about performance. We need not give emotional food or charge to thes fears or become attached to them. We don't even have to shame ourselves for having these fears. Simply say to them, "What are you saying to me about what is real? What are you trying to teach me?"

    +++++++++++++

    I dunno if this has been of any help. I hope the meds kick in for you, so you can slot the thoughts into the right department and get on top of them with insight.
     
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