Downfall

Where to begin. So for a year now i have been on citraliprom, first 20mg, and now 40mg. All was going well, great job, great friends and all around good times. To give you a bit of backround info, in my may last year i lost one of my best friends. To this day, his last words still haunt me. It was not long after that i got put on my anti-d's. I had a brilliant girlfriend who, decided on new years eve (thenight before her birthday) to break up with me . However, i just kept plodding on with life and we were still friends. Her reason for breaking up was becasue she told me she was a lesbian.

In febuary, i started a new job working as a contractor for Jaguar Land Rover, messing around with tv systems and getting to travel europe. Things couldnt be better. But now,things are different.

Turns out my ex, is now going out with someone who was my supposed friend. Wasnt to chuffed at that. Works been stressful and the boss has been getting on at me for a few mistakes i've made and i have a review coming up at the end of the month.

My jobs great, but my hearts just not in it anymore. More recently I've started on the vodka, not excessive, but i have a shot or two before bed. Just to try for a pick me up i had some vallium, from a friend, which did the trick, but now im as low as ever. Today i was in the office today and did nothing. I just surfed the net and slept. I really dont feel the urge to go back tomorrow but i know i have to and i have and i have a shit load to catch up on.

What i have found out is that citralopram can affect your concentration, which is a big problem for me in my line of work. So right now, i feel down, yet i've took my meds. Strangley i've found myself smoking a lot more. If i am completely honest, i have had thoughts of ending it, however, it wont happen, i just want to be happy. All the crap to go away and things back to the way they were.

The one thing i love is my tattoo's and peircings, everytime i get a new one, i feel good. The truest thing my tattoo artist said to me: "when your young your care free, then when you get old you care about health and debt."

Sorry if it seems such a ramble, but i just needed to get it off my chest.

 

HI
i think you seem to have had a very tough time lately..its not surprising you have had suicidal thoughts. You arent alone and its good you know there is a problem while you are still working and are still wanting things to get better. I would probably think it might be a good idea as soon as you have time to go back to your doctor. If you explain to him that you feel your depression is worsening and that you dont feel that your antidepressants are right for you you can change them. There are lots of other ones that will have different effects they dont all work in the same way. I also think if you are in a position to be able to ask for it that some counselling regarding your berevement would help as it has been very traumatic for you loosing your friend. :hug: i hope you continue to post and keep us updated about how you are doing. I have no advice on the gf front but im sure when ur ready u will find someone who will give u the love that you deserve.
hugs sarah

 

Sarah, thank you. It's just good to know that there's people out there thats prepared to listen. Spoke to a woman i work with in my voluntry youth work group and im starting counseling again in two weeks. The doctors shall be phoned tomorrow as its now really affecting my work.