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Downward Slide

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Chargette, Sep 30, 2009.

  1. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    My arms and legs are heavy again and my brain is frozen. Family members speak to me and I stare back at them and ask them to repeat. I don't feel sad, at least not yet. I do feel anger tho.

    The place is a mess and I can't do much to help. Too much activity starts another downward slide and I have chronic knee pain.

    I'm looking for little, easy things to do to pass the time until I come out of this slide. It helps when I stay away from stress.

    I am making a beautiful necklace for my step daughter's great grandmother. She is 86. The necklace has tiger eye and orange freshwater pearls. I use the wire wrap technique so every link will never come apart.

    When I'm like this, I do things very slow. I recognize this as part of my depression and I accept that this is my reality and just do what I can.

    I'm religious and everyday I ask God to teach me what I can do for myself and to please do for me what I can't do for myself. This way I can focus on the little I can do with less stress. This works very well for me because God takes care of the rest. I use to not believe this and kept trying to carry on like a "normie" but it got to the point where I had no more choices and I gave it all to God. I cried for a long time over this. I felt like a total failure. Now I realize I'm not a failure, I'm ill in my brain.

    There is life with a brain illness. Mine is a simple life and getting over much the guilt of not being able to do things like "other" people makes accepting a simple life with out feeling like a failure possible. When I catch myself using the term "other people" when I'm down and/or angry that is a clue that I'm setting myself up for feeling worse.

    I like to crochet too. I'm intolerable of the busy-ness around me when I go to the doctor and such and it's more bearable if I have a simple crochet project with me. Freeway traffic scares me and I crochet while my husband drives. If the traffic still gets to me, I pray to God for the other drivers on the road and that helps.

    I'm making dog sweaters. I have 3 little dogs. Missy, Taco, and Spanky. The weather is turning and they shiver in the cold. I finally figured out how to make the sweaters so the little Houdinis can't get out of them. Muahahahahahaha! (Ooops, was that my evil laugh?) :)
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Aww Vivian I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. But I'm glad that you shared the things you did. It's great that you have hobbies that help you through times like this. It's great that you have your Faith to help you through too. And you have your pets for a distraction. But you forgot one thing. You've got friends here that will try to help you through, distract you if you need it hun. Here if you need me.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I wish i could be creative like you i am glad you have your 3 little dogs to love. Know we are all here for you too okay take care
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Yes, I do have friends here and I am so grateful for that. Thank you. :)
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hi Vivian,

    That's cute making sweaters for your dogs. What sort of dogs are they? My stepmother had miniature poodles and used to make little coats for them as they are the kind of dog which really feel the cold.

    It sounds as if you are spending an awful lot of your time having to control things. Would it help if you told us some of the things that are getting to you?

  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    One of the things that is getting to me the most is the chronic knee pain. I have chondromalcia (sp?) patella syndrome. I have it in both knees but I only have the chronic pain in one knee. Xrays and MRI show a normal knee. A VA doctor finally diagnosed it through manipulating the knees. Boy did that hurt both knees. It is a relief knowing what the problem is. Knee replacement is not an option because the VA would not consider it unless the knee was causing me to fall.

    Over the last 5 years, I've used different medications for knee pain. But the pain is only completely gone for a few hours at most, provided I stay off of it. That is driving me bonkers. Even some sitting positions causes problems.

    I love to garden, build stuff out of wood, dance, and other stuff. It has been so hard to barely be able to do some of this stuff. The doctor told me not to do traditional exercise (I have a Health Ryder).

    I finally decided to use my knee to some extent. I cannot let my body go to waist by not doing some activity. Too many problems start happening when a person comes to that point in life.

    I have been thinking about ways I can garden and build things in such a way as to not aggravate my knee and I have some ideas.

    I have many more things that are bothering me, but those will be for another post.

    I have 1 full blood chihuahua, 1 chi mixed with terrier, and 1 chi mixed with dachshund. They are characters and they compete for affection. It's so funny to watch them.
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Ah physical pain. That's something else again isn't it - not something that can be resolved by dealing with feelings. I've got to admire you, working out a programme of ways to do things instead of letting the pain dictate what you can and can't do.

    Is there a chance your knees can get better eventually, apart from an operation?

    I see you like gardening - at last someone else who has the same interest as me! I started a thread on gardening in antiquities, but it looks like no-one else is interested. Would be good to hear your gardening stories.

    Pats to your dogs. I gather chihuahuas feel the cold really badly.