Downward Spiral.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Adam, Nov 20, 2013.

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  1. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    So it begins. The automatic suicidal thoughts have started. My own logic is starting to fail me and is instead twisting into a dark mirror. Feeding me reasons to just give up and say enough is enough. Worse than that my own scathingly critical mind is making statements that I really am struggling to refute. How do you refute the pain you are in with full knowledge it will get worse? Why wait for it? The dead can't suffer homelessness either. Thanks mind. But yeah, my line is certainly drawn. I have never been impulsive. The means in mind is both painless and almost certain. Guess knowledge in science in this instance is not good for my continued existence. It bothers me I am somewhat numb to the mechanics. It just runs through my head like a dispassionate checklist; end product = corpse. I am on the path to losing insight. I should probably be picking up the phone. But my mind is saying why? It all just repeats. Last year was bad, it took three months in a psych unit to even partially recover. Along with some powerful drugs and a very patient therapist that even got me marginally functional. I fear being that lost again, but it has already started. The slowing down, the finding it hard to even put words or thoughts together. The cycle down begins. I am now useless to every one and have stepped down from everything. Worst possible damn timing, sodding Bipolar! At the same time I just want to sink into it, let it invade all corners of my mind. Pull me down and drown out humanity, the demise of all care, so it can finally just end me. Sick of the struggle and fighting myself and rampant societal psychopathy that allows me no rest. Right now I am aware of the utter pain my choosing to self exit would cause to so many. But at the aching core of it all, I am simply so utterly weary.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    This time with early intervention the downward spiral won't go so deep won't last so long you will catch it before it takes you under Call your therapist ok talk to your t and if you have to get some inpatient care but do it NOW ok don't wait
     
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Adam,

    Eclipse is right. You need to pick up that phone and ask for help, you even know that yourself. The sooner you do it, the less damage your illness will have caused and the sooner you can get better, get to feeling somewhat happy again at least...and at this point, any happiness is better than no happiness, right? Adam, I care about you very much.... you are probably one of the dearest friends I have. You deserve all the happiness you can get.... but you need to reach out to grab for it. I do not believe any of this is your fault. You have a lot of pain, physical pain, everyday, just living... I understand that. Chronic physical pain in itself is draining on a person's mental stability... and then along with it, you have the loss of your loved one... that is emotionally drainng to a degree nobody can ever understand until they go through it. The thing that makes you awesome, is when its just the hurts or your past, the loss of your loved one, and your daily physical pains... you still choose to rise up and fight against the cruelty of the world, to help those that are hurting, all the while hurting yourself. If anyone ever deserved happiness, its you. The thing about life though, is that its not made up of only choices and its not made up of only pre-determined/fated things. It's made up of choices and things that "just are". Some things, you cannot control, you have no chioce over.. like your bipolar; other things, you have a choice and can at least somewhat partially control... like how to deal with your bipolar in its various stages. Right now, you are in the urgent stage.... where you want to end it so badly you can see it, hear it, taste it, feel it...even smell it, and yet there's a small part of you that says "NO!", the part crying "NO!"... thats your true core. Thats the you that is always there. You know it, if you just think about it... think about how much you fight for others and how much you speak out against the illness and the ways other treat ppl with illnesses. Adam, within you right now, you have the same battle going on. You have a side saying "forget you, you dont deserve to live, you are too sick to deserve anything, let the other people that are able to do more things live, step to the side" and then you have the side of you saying "i deserve to live too, just because i'm not like everyone else does not mean i'm not useful or that i have no purpose, it does not mean that i dont deserve to eat, to drink, to breathe... i deserve to be happy too, give me that chance" You always opt for that 2nd side when it comes to others.... do the same for yourself, pick up the phone and say "I need help". The next stage is the critical stage .. in that stage unless someone else happens to be around or come around in time, you will be forever lost. I'm not sure how much longer it will be before you get to that stage, please, stop playing "chicken" (the game where two drivers in cars drive straight into each other at high speed, just to see which one swerves first) with your own mental health, and just put on the advocate face that you wear for so many others... and be that advocate for yourself.

    Please, be safe my friend.
     
  4. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Called the CPN, typical will call back. I want mind zombie drugs now! Thinking is just pain.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish I had some words that would help, that would take away the pain you're in. I just want you to know I'm here, and I care.
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hey honey, I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with the dark, depressing thoughts. I agree with the others that you need to seek help fast before it spirals completely out of control. I'm glad that you have phoned your CPN and I hope he can arrange some meds and some emergency treatment so you don't have to feel this way for very long. In the mean time, if you need to talk you know where to find me :hug: You are worth too much to this world, and to me for you to do anything stupid.
     
  7. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    but Adam you can't be sure of this, since might turn out quite the opposite. right?
     
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