Downward Spiral

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SykoSiren, Feb 8, 2012.

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  1. SykoSiren

    SykoSiren Member

    So quick introduction. I am 28 and been fighting this since I was 12. Since this past April, however, the fight has gotten much harder than I have ever experienced before. In April, I lost a job I had held for almost 4 years. In the months after things have just kept going from bad to worse. First my girlfriend of 9 months left me, then I lost the house I was renting due to financial difficulty. Next my former girlfriend agreed to try when I got another job, but that was very short lived and I lost her again. Then I lost the new job. Next up who I thought was my best friend turned on me. And finally I was just yesterday temporarily laid off from yet another job. I have been bouncing around friends' houses for places to stay, because going "home" to my grandma's house will kill me. So I am more or less living out of my car, seeing that's all I can afford on unemployment is my car, phone, and storage unit.

    I don't expect pity or sympathy, I just needed a place to think out loud. I can't talk to any of my friends about it cause their answer is hospitalization, and the costs of that will only make things worse. I am just so deep into this hole with no sign of light that I don't know what to do anymore. I even spent the other day researching the scientific probability of success of different methods. I am kinda a contradiction, in the sense pain and failure is why I want to die, yet fear of pain and failure is why I am still here. I was on medication, namely Abilify for bi-polar (diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder) but due to finances had to cease my therapy visits. I am completely lost as to what to do next.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ask your gp if he has any samples in his office of abilify sometimes they do and will give them to pt that need them also as your gp if he can contact the pharmaceuticals that make this drug as sometimes they will cover the cost of someone that does not have finances for it. If you look in your area for a university there are students in the field of psychology graduating and about to start practice they will take a pt on for very reasonable prices I am sorry you are feeling so lost right now but you have here to talk to people you will get another job it will take time but it will happen and perhaps meets someone new as well. Meds are important to stay on as you have to be stable to be able to maintain any job hugs
     
  3. SykoSiren

    SykoSiren Member

    I was going through a "free" mental health clinic but I owe them like $50 I can't pay due to no finances. The Abilify wasn't exactly helping in my eyes either. It stabilized my mood flat to constantly depressed which is why I lost my gf the second time. And meeting someone new not so easy when the lesbian population where I live isn't that large lol.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Perhaps the dose was too high then if all you felt was flat It is hard meeting someone in a small area but you meant one so you can meet someone else. If Abilify not working then there is other meds that will help I do hope you keep trying hugs
     
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    Sorry to hear of your struggles! I think that you have been very brave to persevere and navigate through this land mine of horrors you've experienced lately! I admire your courage, and could certainly use some of it myself. I always find too, that when my depression peaks, all my greatest friends pull a disappearing act. Which constantly forces me to question, what kind of friends am I making, and then failing to keep? Certainly they're good people. But most of them don't get depression (but of course they THINK they do, because they can remember that one time when their dog died at the age of five!). I always feel like if the situation were reversed, I'd be there for them, but who's to say! I'm not them, and they're not me...

    As for the medical coverage, perhaps hospitalization isn't something that ought to be ruled out on improper grounds. If you've got a credible reason, one that outweighs say the cost of getting healthy or by all means living if it comes to that, then I say the risk is worth the reward! But what do I know...

    In any case, keep battling, you're doing remarkably well under the circumstances and I for one could never do what you have already done.

    Take Care-
     
  6. SykoSiren

    SykoSiren Member

    She says I am damaged. She can't stand the sight of me. My friends (wiccan friends) only let me know that if I "do anything stupid" they will curse me even further by tying my soul to this realm. I am damaged... DAMAGED!!! What do you do with damaged goods? You return them to the manufacturer. So then one must wonder who is our manufacturer? Who can I be returned to if I am so very damaged? And why haven't I been returned yet? At walmart if they get damaged product on the truck it is returned within the week. I haven't been returned for 28 years. What's the hold up? So they can take advantage of this huge heart I have? A former girlfriend, different than the one I have spoken about beat the crap out of me 2 weeks ago, then yesterday asked me if she could borrow $40. For the first time in 28 years I didn't allow myself to be used and I said no.But I am damaged. This must be why nobody wants me. I wouldn't want something severely damaged either. I would not leave the store with a damaged product, so why should I think anyone would be ignorant enough to want such a damaged person? I am damaged. Damaged. Damaged. It keeps ringing again and again over and over in my head. Damaged from childhood abuse? Damaged because at the age of 9 I had to suddenly grow up to help care for my baby brother? Damaged from 13 years of consistent bullying as I traversed the years from Kindergarten through High School Graduation? Damaged because I am a lesbian? Damaged because I grew up in a small town which blamed me for what my mother did? Nah, I can't comprehend how one could be damaged after so much let down. after so much trouble. After so much heartache. But she says I am damaged. Maybe it is time to return the damaged goods...
     
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: So many hurtful and painful words and situations! I'm sorry you've experienced all that. However, I wouldn't say you have been damaged - but I would concede that you have been hurt. That does not make YOU damaged goods. You deserve people who respect you and who don't toss around judgments and harsh words when compassion is what is needed.

    It sure sounds as though lots of situations and people expect you to sacrifice yourself for their needs - and they coerce you with physical and emotional intimidation. If you take in and accept their views, you carry on the intimidation yourself. You don't deserve that. How about recognizing that people aren't being good to you, and deciding that YOU will be nice to yourself.

    In a sense you gave up your needs, especially your need to be taken care of as a child, because you had to parent your little brother. You can probably see, intellectually, that 9 was too young to be expected to "parent" a sibling. You still had your own needs as a child at 9. It wasn't fair. I'd bet that on some level you were angry, but you loved your brother at the same time, so it was confusing. Perhaps part of you still wants the care of a parent - you can be that good parent to yourself now.

    You are worthy and deserving of love, respect, honesty, support, and genuine friendship. You could start showing the world all that by giving those things to yourself. You DO deserve them!

    Please stay safe and be kind and gentle with yourself. :)
     
  8. prh1956

    prh1956 Member

    i understand completely. i am in the same boat. except that i'm 55 and faced with a. criminal charges b. losing my ability to make a living c my house is in foreclosure d im running out of money and time. i havent told my family yet, my daughters will likely freak out- for good reason. also like you i cant move forward and i cant end it either. i get panicky when i realize i dont have the balls to do my self in, and i dont have the balls to live with my situation. i am also thinking about hospitalization.
     
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