Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Mozart, Jan 31, 2013.

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  1. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    It didn't take long and 2013 has started in the worst possible way. I had some faint hopes the most essential problems would get a little better or at least delayed ,but it took only a few weeks and I can already say that my worst anticipations have been superseded.
    Now after 2 horrible years a third one is on the way ,but this time with all the consequences the first two years have been building up.
    My job ( which is my passion ) ,my health, the prospect for any happiness,all of this has evaporated.
    I have come to the conclusion over the last 2 days that I will have to cross the Styx in 2013 .It is a comforting thought though as at least I do not have to sit around like a living failure facing endless years of misery and humiliation combined with having to listen to benevolent speeches of well wishing and encouraging morsels of apparent wisdom.
    I am neither depressed nor delusionary, I am just stating how it is in a practical and forward looking,sober way.
    I cannot go on like this.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Hang on. Know that that will sound pathetic when you're feeling bloody awful. New Year is just a date fixed hundreds of years ago that has acquired a magical significance. And most of us feel let down on but don't let on (unintended wordplay, must be unconscious effect of Oscar signature) because we assume it does work for others.
  3. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your considerate reply,I am very grateful for it , but it really has nothing to do with a certain year any more. It is a truly ridiculous stream of mishaps over recent years and included everything imaginable like natural disaster of a significant scale, an appalling and unforseeable job disaster plus health problems as a result on top of all this . Sure I can go on on a miserable circus and tell myself that this is OK as it is. But it quite simply is not,it is a plain and utter disaster with no significant change in sight. Compared to how my life was a few years ago I feel I am in a horror film. And I am disastered out,I have hardly any energy left .
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Have never had to cope with a natural disaster but plenty of disasters, depression and disease. Can it be coincide when they come in clusters? Know that at low i.e bloody awful times a minor mishap hits me completely out of proportion. Low energy is inevitable after all you've gone through and your health problems won't have helped. I've found that it's only when I'm well on the road up that I can look back and wonder how I survived not the accompanying depression but the disasters that triggered it. P.M me whenever if any help.
  5. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    In one way, I can say that I relate to this. It's been almost 11 years my life seems to just be one down-spiral after another, especially in the last few years. But it does stop for a while, and you do have that opportunity to climb back up that spiral. It's the little things that you grab onto and haul yourself back up. Forget the big things, the big things are just potholes that only mean something if your suspension is working in a specific way. Change your suspension, ignore the potholes and climb. You have many many hands here that will catch you if you stumble and encourage your journey up again!
  6. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Thank you Harley, I appreciate and hear what you are saying.The trouble is I am fully aware with every fibre of my body and mind what's happening to me and I am aware that these big potholes are something I have to get around and now focus on many little steps to better things at least for a bit.
    But I feel too humiliated on one end and too distressed on the other to see any worthwile good coming from this other than just plodding along and going on.
    I cannot believe I am saying this as I always used to preach the opposite to others but I am so exhausted that I think for the very first time in my life that giving up is a desirable option. Counting backwards I had about 6 years of ongoing misery,quite extreme in parts,with a short relief period 3 years ago,but after that all hell broke loose.
    I am completely at my wits end, it's first for me to be that far down,and I think it's good to admit that to oneself, I don't like delusions. The conclusion of what to do now,well,that's the tricky bit....but I detest going on like a whingeing, ailing nobody,can't do that,so time will tell what happens. Thanks for listening to my rant.
  7. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member


    Dear friend.....lost and now found.....can this be happening? want to go away for good?!

    I am sitting here ....finally got home....been with doctors and Physical therapy people and MRI people and talking to pain management people.
    The pain I have been experiencing for the past three or more weeks has become unbearable.
    SO I had had a shot of cortisone in my butt. did nothing.
    Next I will get an MRI.
    Then I will need blood tests.
    I am starting physical therapy.
    And soon I expect to get an epidural - foraminal style - and I am scared stiff.

    But I was expecting you to be around soon. Not to lose you again.
    That changes everything. Then there is no point to anything. I will not even bother. I just give up.
    The meer thought of you leaving, is just too much for me.

    Terribly sad, Cat
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You state hun you are thinking with a clear mind not one clouded with depression I don't know hun with all that is happened it would be hard not to be depressed
    I know it is hard to face some days what is in front of you so what you do is just face the moment just face the minute and get through it best way hun. One minute leads to another and you realize you can face more then you think. I am glad you are ranting you are putting your thoughts out in the open so you are not holding them all inside You keep ranting hun ok we are listening and god we do understand hugs
  9. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Dear sadcat,

    the last thing I want is to upset you of all people, who is fighting a far more tough battle than me.I am so sorry again to hear that you are still
    in the midst of a not yet successful pain management . I just hope so much that something will work and alleviate your pain.
    I feel like a right jerk having upset you with this rant,but I cannot help it at the moment to mull over all options. I am not good at giving up 90% of what defined me over the last 30 years. But please do not worry about me, I promise I will be here for a bit , I am not yet done.
    I have seen what the one particular "solution" is all about when my mother killed herself,so I am not in favor of that and never will be. But as said before my strength is less and I see very clearly what's ahead for me and I do not like it.
    Thank you for writing, I am very sorry I have made you feel bad,
    Hugs from Mozart

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2013
  10. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Dear total eclipse , I know it may sound a bit cranky but I am not really depressed ,rather very calmly analyzing and
    thinking, and seeing what's ahead more or less. You are right about taking small steps, I will subscribe to that and see whether I can live with that.
    The overall potholes are the problem , and I had too many of them. But I want to use what's left energy wise for some kind of holding on.Talking about it helps a lot , but I am angry right now with myself having upset people I care a lot about here, so I need to chose my words more wisely in the future.
    Thank you so much for reading and answering,it always helps very much.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2013
  11. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    Dear Dear Mozart

    It is difficult when we lose our everything. I know. In april 2007....when I was bench pressing 225 pounds on the horizontal press, I went in for a simple stress test. I would begin pressing 250 pounds that evening. Ha - ha - .....not. The cardiologist became completely hysterical and asked me many questions after the resting echo. Who are you? Why are you here? Who sent you? My heart was not working at all - it was down to 10 percent. The doctors did not give me more than a few minutes. What a drop in power !

    You can lose everything in a minute. It happens to people all the time.

    I am still fighting to regain my capability..... I have since taken on hundreds of major problems. At least a dozen which should have killed me (each).

    And I am facing another 10 in just the last 3 months.

    It has almost become a game with me - I refuse to secumb.

    Learn from me ..... When you can thank your Diety for each challenge - it will change to be the Gift that it always was.

    Every challenge is a gift and brings Love.

  12. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    "Every challenge is a gift and brings love."

    Dear sadcat,

    you are a truly great person but I can assure you I am not,and I am not fishing for compliments here.
    I am an obsessed artist who has done one thing since he was 5,managed a major career in performing and teaching and I cannot live without that.
    To take that away from me ( it hasn't happened yet to the full extent,I still have minimal hope,just minimal
    and not all too realistic ) is not a gift to me,and it never will be,it's a death sentence.
    I don't want to dramatize ,but lots and lots of artists left early ,and there are reasons for that.
    That's not great and certainly nothing to be proud of -or worse dwell on-but it's a simple fact.
    And I always faced reality in my life front on ,it's just I was stupid enough not realizing it could be that devastating.
    Enough of me, my species of people ( from the artist family ) are not so pleasant to deal with and not easy to understand in the best of times,believe me,but I am very concerned about you,my friend.
    Your refusal to succumb is so much more admirable than my refusal to accept,so please keep me in the loop what's happening to you.
    I will be here for a while and I think about you,

    hugs from
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2013
  13. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    Okay my dear friend.....

    I will give you a recap, and if that does not horrify you completely, then i will talk about recently.....

    April 2007.dx with heart 90 percent chance to survive or even improve.....told to just lie down. Not even offered medicines. Told to not even bother going to the ER.

    May 2007. My legs gave out ....went onto a cane and am still on that cane to this day.

    In 1999 i had been wiped out by pneumonia and apparantly it continued to destroy my heart and other things for 7 years undetected.

    In 1999 i had to stop working one day a few months after the pneumonia, because i was too weak to drive home any longer after work.

    I had been a nuclear engineer, heat transfer expert, math /computer genius for 35 years and then one day i was no longer able to work.

    August 2007 cancer.....had radiation and two years of hormone therapy. Prognosis unknown.

    2005. Asthma attack after asthma attack.....diagnosed with asthma, copd, emphysema, small airways disease.....hopeless. Hospitalized every month. Ambulance approx every three months.

    Always.....sciatica, spinal stenosis, arthritis, joint athrosis, herniated discs, and disc degenerative disease. Pain started at age five.

    Time moved on

    Jan 2011 prostate cancer relapse. Noted in the spine. Dx metastatic, not treatable.....proceed with hormone therapy again to slow it down some.

    Had finally brought heart up to a very low normal as of august 2012. The cardiologist, a woman , was so surprised that we actually danced in her office. It was considered impossible to improve any further, even as recently as april 2013 and they had even refused to re test me saying it was a waste of time. Wow! I annoyed them til they did retest me.

    Jan 2012. Diagnosed as cured of asthma, cops, emphysema, etc. holy crap...that is impossible...!! Oooops. Three asthma attacks during 2012. Was re diagnosed having asthma in september 2012 .

    Had been diagnoses with sleep and central apnea in 2008 . Very serious. That alone was expected to kill me.
    The asthma was expected to kill me. The heart was expected to kill me.

    2012 late diagnosed with diverticulitis. Still have not seem surgeon.

    Pain back jan 2013.

    Hemaglobin down again jan 2013.

    Spinal stenosis in low spine very bad Jan 2013...... My need surgery....

    And those are just the big problems. There are still plenty of smaller ones , some of which are also fatal tht i forgot.

    And this is just a back recap.

    Ohhhh....please stop me....i am getting so depressed.

  14. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Dear sadcat,
    that is too much for one human being. How do you cope with this ? I know you said you don't ever give in,but I can't imagine what you are going through...
    One thing is for sure : you are a hell of a person, a fighter and survivalist, and we all should learn from you,but then we are all different...and I am not in your league. I so wish you have a chance of having a more tolerable level of pain. I will stop though moaning about my stupid life ,I am embarrassed what I wrote,but that's how I feel and how it is. Please write about your current situation too, I am here listening ....
  15. sadcat

    sadcat Well-Known Member

    okay Mozart - recent

    I was invited to join the clergy for my path. And I am considering it - but -

    As is always the way - that has stirred up a ton of Karma for me. SO in the past few months i have been getting clobbered by problems -

    1. had a major attack of diverticulitis - and am beinbg threatened with surgery (to remove my sigmoidd colon ) if i even have one more attack. That sucks.

    2. Had a tooth die - with fierce pain. I am not allowed to have teeth removed because i had an infusion of bisphosphinate )a bone hardener), and it can cause osteonecrosis. Praying i do not get it. It would mean at least 6 months in the hospital.

    3. relapse of pain from sciatica and spinal stenosis - fought it for a few weeks and had a new diagnosis of quadradius lumborim (muscle group) - which I am striving to stretch out.

    4. Had run into an eating problem from the diverticulitis , heart, and such - finally just stopped eating for a few day - finally my son a doctor came over and worked with me - -took me off the Paleo diet - a heart friendly diet and explained what foods i can eat. My weight is going straight down - i am down about 35 pounds in the last year.

    5. Hemaglobin dropped to a dangerously low level, and was being threatend with a scope sent down my upper gi . Retested about a month later getting ready for the GI doctor and it had come back up . thank God !

    6. Got head lice from the grand children and had a two week horror introduction to treating such matterws.

    7. Got thrush according to the pulminary doctor and went onto an anti fungal medicine for 2 weeks. Nothing helped. Finally showed it to my son - He said - NO - it is not even thrush - is just scar tissue from my tonsil surgery when i was a kiddie.

    8. Upper arm pain - from (probable ) either getting the wrong Pneumonia shot recently, or from some carpal tunnel which has been flaring up again. Am back wearing wrist and arm splints about 12 hours a day.

    9. Latest right leg pain all the way down to my foot. That is very serious. Getting MRI, PT, and a foraminal epidural for it. This pain is the worst ever - and comes every time I stand up - fierce pain from the nerves being pinched in the foraminal space of the 4th and 5th lumbar.


    SOme others relatively recently , which i forgot -

    had two bad ddimer blood tests suggesting I was again throwing pulminary embolisms. (I had thrown 3 back in 1986 and was hospitalized fr weeks from them. Then i had to go onto coumadin, a blood thinner for 3 months. ..Had a cat scan and it did not confirm that there is a current problem. This was further prompted by me getting a sharp pain in my chest (as similar as for a pulminary embolism) which nearly dropped me on the floor.

    Thats all I can go into now - i am getting so depressed by this.

    hugs Sad
  16. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Dear Sadcat,

    I really don't know what to say other than that it is a mystery to me where you get the spirits from to face all that in the way you do, the strength to fight this. You are an amazing person and I felt that from day one. I wish I could have some of your determination,but that is pretty much an illusion .
    I cannot fight regardless of what happens to me like you can. Perhaps I used to have the spirits for it,but my knockdowns have done me in now and I am on a destructive path.
    I hope you can be spared to go to hospital again and stay at least at home in your familiar environment,that might be a certain comfort.Is your family supportive ? I would assume so,but you didn't mention that.

    as always, hugs from Mozart
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU can fight that is your chose not to fight i won't go into what has happen to me but i know even when it was the darkest point it was always my choice to fight or not YOU can fight there is always that part in you it is only human to have that part to not give in to fight you know. You may find another position to teach or perform but if you give up how will you know what will be. You cannot see the future no one can hun You can fight you just can even when you are at your lowest i know everyone is different if you cannot fight on your own then you reach out and get someone to fight with you you reach out and get support that is there and you survive An artist soul it is so lovely really it is a soul that can survive anything because an artist mind is able to adapt to their surrounding their circumstances they have to hun.

    You are tired i get that i do hell i do so time to swallow that pride and reach out now and get support you need until your next adventure shows itself
  18. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Thank you eclipse for putting all these thoughts into your posting.I am very grateful for it and you are a real gem to all of us here and I believe you had your own hells to get through and that makes your words very precious to me.
    You are absolutely right about that one can fight when one choses to , I totally agree with you and I am aware of that. I have checked very careful my position and yes, if I fight,I can have an existence,but it is extremely likely that I will be utterly miserable for the rest of my days. I have already accepted -- being a good boy --that one integral part of my existence will have to stop anyway due to a progressively worsening condition,but I need some reasonable other part to rescue me from going insane. I do believe in fighting but at the moment I see the obstacles I have to overcome as unsurmountable.
    I don't need to swallow much pride as I never made any fuss about myself or my career in the first place,but it has been an absolutely integral part my existence since I am 5 and that's where the problem is.
    But I would be an ogre of some sort not to appreciate your thoughts.
    Regarding artists and their souls I think that one is best advised to admire just their art ,their work and ignore the shabby rest. Artists are very often difficult,pigheaded,irrational and highly irritable,a cranky lot ,and I am a prime example of that particular aspect of our spezies........thank you again,totaleclipse, I needed some straight talk, I'll think about it.Promised.
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank you hun please do think about it ok i know you see things infront of you as unsurmountable hun but that is depression i know you don't believe me but that is depression kicking you right in the ass and it is trying to trick you into thinking you do not have it in you to beat it.

    You think hun ok illness sucks it really does hun but you can teach even if it is volunteer basis you can mentor someone young can you not hun help someone to use art to use performing as a way to heal really i do hope you think hun about not giving up

    You have much to give hun even in illness you have your mind and your spirit You made me laugh when you said artist can be difficult pigheaded irrational and cranky yes i do agree they can be all those things too hun but it is in there you will find that fight in you to carry on hugs
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2013
  20. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Oh my God, I really shouldn't do this, how embarrassing but to the hell with it, I was about to reply to you in all seriousness " I am thinking...." and then this old dunger of a joke jumped through my brain:

    A UK vessel in WW2 sends an SOS out which is received by a German ship.
    "We are sinking,we are sinking !! ". Comes the reply from the Germans: " wott arr you sinking about? "

    Sorry, but but that had to be posted, these erratic actions happen when I am miserable.

    Thank you total eclipse again, I can see your point ,though things are a bit more difficult than described. But enough whingeing,
    I am thinking now.... :bull_head:
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