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#? Draft.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jessier, Sep 3, 2007.

  1. Jessier

    Jessier New Member

    I've rewritten this shit so many times I don't know what to say anymore.

    I stopped taking my pills a few weeks ago. Creeping on a month. I don't want to be someone's damn monkey anymore.

    "Feeling blue? Lexapro. Still sad? Prozac. Hearing voices? Can't shake hands? Risperdal. No? Abilify. Not yet? Well, we have a fucking barrel full of drugs."

    Fuck you! I don't need this shit.

    I stopped taking my pills. Everything was going swimmingly. Then we moved. I don't know what happened but I just descended. I stopped leaving the house. It's been a week. I can't eat. Food makes me want to puke. I'm scared whenever I'm home alone. Every noise sets off this imaginary chain of events where some scary shit happens. I walk around the house with a knife sometimes because I get so scared. I don't even know why the fuck I'm scared when everyday I wish someone would snipe me through the window.

    Now my mom wants to put me in a crisis residential again. Progress, it's called. I've been there. I fucking hated it. I hated the people there. Everybody in their own fucking world. I hated the condescending staff. It's a lot like some of the posts here.

    "Oh, here's a fucking imaginary hug, stranger. Hope you don't off yourself. Bye."

    And she's fucking threatening me to boot.

    "If you don't fix yourself up I'm going to have to do something your not going to like."

    What? Call P.E.S.? Put me on another hold? Fuck that place too.

    Fucking typos! Fucking keyboard!

    I don't know what to do anymore.

    I want to try it one more time. Last time I was so drunk I failed. I, for no reason, decided to take a piss after chasing a bottle of sleeping pills with half a bottle of wine. The problem was that the bathroom was across my mom's bedroom. So, I accidentally woke her up and ended up in the hospital. Now there's no medicine or alcohol in the house. I wont slit my wrists because for some odd reason I'm very sensitive to pain now. I wasn't before. Before I was hacking at my forearm with a steak knife and a fucking smile. Now I can't stand the thought of bleeding to death.

    My only options are Prozac and Abilify. But I don't know what the hell those will do. At least with sleeping pills I was able to pass out. Will Prozac and Abilify cause me to freak out in any way? Are they even lethal?

    I'm fucking stupid and stuck.

    I'm a fucking idiot. Why in the fuck am I posting on some damn board full of strangers? Will you fix me? I fucking doubt it.

    "Oh, here's a fucking imaginary hug, stranger. Hope you don't off yourself. Bye."