In the heat of the moment here I thought I'd post this to perhaps garner some alternative perspective into my situation under some semblance of anonymity. I deeply distrust most conventional channels for help and am utterly terrified of the consequences of letting my true feelings to be known to anyone. Given these circumstances, I'm here with you today. I am a 30 year old, single male and only child of a severely broken home and an intensely abusive upbringing. My horrendous childhood effectively stunted my overall emotional and social development to a catastrophic degree. These issues in conjunction with the crippling depression and loneliness brought on by years of neglecting personal relationships has left me little more than an empty husk of a human being. I've so far been fairly successful in remaining somewhat functional by remaining employed and working myself into the ground in a meaningless position if for no other reason than to keep the rent paid every month. I haven't felt the closeness of friendship in over 3 years as my best friends moved on in their lives. Longer still the closeness of a romantic relationship. Not to say at this point I'm in any condition to be involved in either, I struggle to sustain myself without even the basest level of support from those I trust. I truly feel alone despite all evidence to the contrary available in forums like this. I am currently speaking with a therapist but have been unable to make much progress given my deep distrust for much of the mental health establishment. Having been "treated" in an inpatient setting after a voluntary admission for suicidal ideation, I am completely terrified of the consequences of saying or even implying anything that would put me back in. This experience was so horrible that to this day I'm racked with fear just typing this, 9 years later. Given this, honestly admitting that I have extremely detailed suicide plans that can be effectively executed in the very near future is a near impossibility. To be honest, I would carry out my plans 100x over if to avoid spending 1 second in a "hospital". So here I am, weeks from beginning to see my plans through, unable to seek "professional" help, help from friends, or help from a family that's basically cast me out. I can't even bring myself to call a hot line due to the high likelihood I'll be put back in a hospital. I have only a couple of forums and my increasingly dire thoughts to turn to. I'm scared, but deep down I know I deserve to suffer this way for my failings as a friend, a son, and most importantly, a man. I don't foresee anyone having some sort of solution to this. If anything it's somewhat beneficial to lay all this out before you since I have no other outlet. I thank you for your time.