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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by no_way_out1983, Apr 7, 2014.

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  1. In the heat of the moment here I thought I'd post this to perhaps garner some alternative perspective into my situation under some semblance of anonymity. I deeply distrust most conventional channels for help and am utterly terrified of the consequences of letting my true feelings to be known to anyone. Given these circumstances, I'm here with you today.

    I am a 30 year old, single male and only child of a severely broken home and an intensely abusive upbringing. My horrendous childhood effectively stunted my overall emotional and social development to a catastrophic degree. These issues in conjunction with the crippling depression and loneliness brought on by years of neglecting personal relationships has left me little more than an empty husk of a human being. I've so far been fairly successful in remaining somewhat functional by remaining employed and working myself into the ground in a meaningless position if for no other reason than to keep the rent paid every month. I haven't felt the closeness of friendship in over 3 years as my best friends moved on in their lives. Longer still the closeness of a romantic relationship. Not to say at this point I'm in any condition to be involved in either, I struggle to sustain myself without even the basest level of support from those I trust. I truly feel alone despite all evidence to the contrary available in forums like this.

    I am currently speaking with a therapist but have been unable to make much progress given my deep distrust for much of the mental health establishment. Having been "treated" in an inpatient setting after a voluntary admission for suicidal ideation, I am completely terrified of the consequences of saying or even implying anything that would put me back in. This experience was so horrible that to this day I'm racked with fear just typing this, 9 years later. Given this, honestly admitting that I have extremely detailed suicide plans that can be effectively executed in the very near future is a near impossibility. To be honest, I would carry out my plans 100x over if to avoid spending 1 second in a "hospital".

    So here I am, weeks from beginning to see my plans through, unable to seek "professional" help, help from friends, or help from a family that's basically cast me out. I can't even bring myself to call a hot line due to the high likelihood I'll be put back in a hospital. I have only a couple of forums and my increasingly dire thoughts to turn to. I'm scared, but deep down I know I deserve to suffer this way for my failings as a friend, a son, and most importantly, a man.

    I don't foresee anyone having some sort of solution to this. If anything it's somewhat beneficial to lay all this out before you since I have no other outlet. I thank you for your time.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one deserves to feel sad or lonely hun I am glad that you are reaching out here We certainly understand how deep the sadness can go. If you tell you therapist you have some suicidal thought but won't act on them you will not be put in to hospital. I tell my therapist all time i have these thoughts and no one has put me in hospital

    Here you can express your sadness and no one will judge you so keep posting here go to chat make new friends ok it helps hugs
  3. SmolderingIce

    SmolderingIce Well-Known Member

    Hey 1983,

    I have a friend in a seemingly identical situation, I actually thought it was him for a moment. (But, alas, he was born in 1984). How do you meet new people? I know it is difficult, especially when trustworthy people can be impossible to find.. But I met my friend not too long ago while waiting to see a play at the local community theater. He's a bigger guy with balding hair and smells strongly of cigarettes, yet we connected. I'm only 20 years old, but there was something about our broken frames that kept us in contact.
    It's never too late to meet new friends. People who will actually give a damn. My friend stopped seeing his therapist, and so did I. We don't see each other all the time, but we know that someone else is there.

    You did not fail. You are not failing as a man. You grew up in a situation that did not nurture you to fit in with society. I have never felt like I fit.. But this doesn't mean you fail. It means you're meant for something different. I feel like a lot of us on this site are meant for something different. However, we all hide it so damn well that we can't find each other in real life.. We can't find the people that we fit in with.
  4. thanks for posting no-way-out
    i'm new on here - and although this place scares me, i have already found it useful, calming and informative - it's also fantastic to be able to open up about things that can never be said out aloud.

    and i fully get where you are coming from - i can't trust anybody either - especially not medical profession (and i also have a fear of being locked up)
    i can't make friends that easily either - i have major trust issues with people in general - and i'd rather either just pretend that all is fine and dandy for when i have to engage with people - or just simply hide myself away
    and i too have a foolproof plan - i've been working on it for years - it's ready to implement at any time i choose - and oddly enough, that's probably the only thing that keeps me alive - i know it's there - ready, waiting. that is a comfort to me - and as long as that plan is in place, i actually think i can stay safe - hope that makes sense
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