Drama queen?

[impuissant]

I've never had anything really bad happen to me my entire life. I've never been abused or seriously bullied or anything like that.

And yet...

And yet I still feel completely hopeless. Stupid. Worthless. I feel like even more of an idiot because nothing bad had ever happened to me. I mean, I have a wonderful family (though they can be really oblivious and negligent at times, they're usually wonderful), I have everything I could want...

Then what the hell is wrong with me? I mean, I feel like I should try to justify what I'm feeling, and I just can't. That can't be good, can it?

I guess... I know I do have a problem. I know I think about these things (i.e. hurting myself, planning, etc), but I just get so paranoid that its just because... I'm a dramatic teenager or something. More importantly, I'm afraid that's what my family's going to think if I tell them what's really going on (i.e. where the exacto knife went, why I won't leave the house, where that cut on my leg came from, etc etc).

I don't know. This whole thing feels stupid. I keep going between 'Yes, you do have a problem, 'okay' people don't think about killing themselves, etc etc' and 'You're just being dramatic, convincing yourself that you're suicidal or something, etc etc'.

And honestly? I don't know which one is the truth.

 

[fromthatshow]

If you're having suicidal thoughts it's probably more than just being a drama queen. Don't be so hard on yourself. From the outside view, my childhood was very normal and everything, but take the inside look, get down to the bottom of it, it was really fucked up, and I have a lot of emotional wounds that will probably take years if not the rest of my life to heal.
Once you discover where your suicidal thoughts come from (most likely childhood considering you're a teenager), you might be surprised.
Do you have a therapist or anything? That might be a good idea :hug:

 

[impuissant]

No, I don't have a therapist; being my age, that would take getting my parents involved, and I'm no so sure how they'd react to their calm, complacent middle child confessing to thoughts of suicide. I've always been their kid, you know, that they don't have to worry about. They one that kind of shuffles on, not really causing problems or anything, not really making waves. I guess I don't want them to think any different, you know? It just feels like they have all these other problems (especially concerning my other siblings), so they don't need my crap, too.

And I guess... I don't want to let them down. I don't want to be that 'problem child' like my sister is. I don't know... I guess I just have this mindset that if I ignore it, it'll go away (which obviously hasn't been the case... as its only gotten worse and even more consuming over time).

And I guess I'm worried what they'll think of me. Not just my parents, of course. But everyone. I'm really scared that once everyone knows what I'm like when I'm all alone... some of the things I think of, some of the things I've done (or tried to do)... that they won't accept me anymore. That they'll think I'm some freak or nutcase or something.

And I guess I'm also don't want to admit that there's anything wrong with me. That I have some sort of... problem, I mean. It's like I don't want to admit that I can't control this one thing. You know, that if I say it outloud that it'll be like admitting defeat, sort of? I don't know. It's confusing.

 

[fromthatshow]

Well you sort of admitted it here.
And you don't have to share that you're seeing a therapist with everyone. You don't have to broadcast it. Just tell maybe your closest friend whom you trust or don't tell anyone at all if you don't want to.
Your parents might be more understanding than you think. It's not like you've done anything wrong. You needn't suffer in silence.
I hope you figure everything out :heart: :hug:

 

[SweetSurrender]

Impuissant - i understand how you feel. All those thing you are thinking, i went through when i was younger. I don't mean it to sound like i know your life or anything you are going through, but i understand the thoughts you expressed on here. Although i wasn't exactly a ideal kid, i was very complient and never caused any real trouble. My parents knew that i was unhappy but i didn't cause them any trouble enough to take action over it. As i got older and my depression took hold of me in ways i couldn't control any longer i started to realise that communication was the only way forward. By admitting times are difficult, does not mean that you are weak or incompetent of holding things together. Everyone has times in their lives that are hard, the more i talk to people the more i realise that - and the more i realise that a lot of people that seem okay actually aren't deep down.

My parents have continually told me that as long as they know what is happening they can cope, it is when i can't talk (due to the depression/need to protect them) that they worry the most. I think sometimes we don't realise how strong our parents are. If i were you i would trust your parents, they love you and want the best for you, the very last thing they would want is for you to be in pain and for them not to know and not be able to help you!

Never be ashamed of your thoughts and feelings - they aren't permanent and they aren't you. Sometimes i feel like the most pathetic, weak person on earth but i know that i'm not because i have gone through a lot and i'm still here. You will not let people down by being truthful, you can only form more honest and fruitful relationships, and for those that are unable to understand what you are feeling, to be honest they aren't worth worrying over in the long term!

The hardest thing in the world is admitting something is not right. That is the first major step anyone can take and the best thing is that you are nearly there by telling us on here. I was depressed for a long time before i found the maturity and ability to admit to myself i wasn't happy.

I hope this forum help you find the right time and place to help yourself.

take care, SS