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Drama Queens

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by OleanderSweet, May 30, 2012.

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  1. OleanderSweet

    OleanderSweet Member

    Everytime I open myself up, and dare tell of the time I attempted suicide, I almost always get this response:

    "Yeah I tried that once."

    They have overdosed, sliced open their bodies, jumped from heights and forgotten their wings.
    They say it so casually, and with no emotional impact. They aren't serious.
    I know that we are told not to judge. We are forbidden to write off one of these "attempts" as asking for attention.
    But it seems absurd.

    I want to speak up, and tell them, "No. You did not attempt suicide. You do not know what it feels like to break apart, and have those shadows slip in through the cracks. I am infected, diseased, and you are a pretty little picture of perfection."

    I still remember the feeling of my blood becoming razorblades and fluttering through my heart. There is the sound of my knees colliding with cold tile and the small sting of an iv dripping through my skin. The siren's scream is muffled by the walls of bandages and a hovering body looking at lights flashing on a screen.

    I was scared.
    And despite the bodies around me I was alone.
    They couldn't reach me in my gray world. I was forgotten on the broken hand of an antique clock. Time and feeling became lost in the dust. But the pain lingered to rip apart my heart and bloom blackness in my eyes and in my gasping lungs.

    So how can they say they attempted? How can they dare say they tried to end their lives- when they live and breathe and laugh around me.
  2. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    How can you say that they haven't felt like that? No one knows what goes on inside others heads, and whether or not they have or have not attempted suicide. Its a very taboo and frowned upon topic.
    Some people handle their situations differentl, some people dont want others to see that they are down, or depressed, or suicidal, or have been suicidal. They want to forget it.
  3. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    I dont think many people do understand suicide and the feelings/emotions involved..............its very crass when people say in passing " I wanna die"..............they dont know the total and utter desolation and pain.
    Many people wont even consider or think about suicide............thats why noone seems to ' get it'. OleanderSweet- I know how real it is for you and I know how it is to cut myself and in the past and RIGHT NOW make plans and attempts to end my life.
    I have just lost my mum, who was everything to me, I have noone now and have many life limiting illnesses which means I cant do what I want in life like most people.
    She was my rock and always got me through my breakdowns, suicidal times and knew me inside out and what I thought, SHE UNDERSTOOD...............she is the only one in my life that does.
    I talk about killing myself now and people tell me I have lots to look forward to...............they dont see the anguish and pain and that every second which I have to endure is total hell.
    I think people are very lucky who dont know what we go through, they must have very good lives.
    Those that laugh make me feel so angry inside............maybe their way of coping................but not what we want to hear is it?
    I am preparing to end my life very soon............but maybe you can get some solace to know that I understand you and get what you are feeling................the majority dont do they and that is a killer in itself. Am here for now if you need me, just to put down any thoughts and I will read and listen and try my best. Take care xx
  4. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    That was very beautifully written but it is hard to get on the inside of someone else's feelings to determine who was more serious. Many people have chemical imbalances or disorders that make them more prone to commit suicide, regardless if they are laughing and smiling in your face. Suicide has many faces in this world.
  5. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you're hurting. Its not fair but I have been there with the siren blaring my heart racing at 200bpm drifting in & out of consciousness and only people who have been that close to death can understand the terror.
    Some people are so far up themselves that they say flippant and unhelpful things not realising... why because they're idiots & sadly there are idiots in life.
    However I have laughed & joked my way out of being sectioned & even though inside Im screaming out for help I really struggle to not fake being "happy". Maybe its from years & years of having it ingrained into me to NEVER EVER tell or let on what was really going on... as my "Dad" had promised me he would kill me if anyone ever found out...
    So I get how irritating happy & perfectionistic people are but I just wanted to highlight that not everyone who is "happy" is actually...
    Take care :hug:
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I think the best thing we can do is try not to judge. No 2 people have had the exact same experiences or the same hurt and pain. Everyone's way of dealing, of reacting, is going to be different. What gives anyone the right to try and judge what another may be thinking or feeling?

    I'm going to close this thread, because I can only see it causing problems.
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