The culmination of efforts and reasoning has now, in a time of reckoning, allowed itself to be laid out in its vast expanses before me. My entire life and the central plight can be reasonably and logically tied to affairs which took place generations ago. I can't explain it nor will I attempt to, but the daunting conspiring of events so elaborately drove me to where I am now it is almost beyond calculation. This is the final thing I was to overcome in my arrival to self dissolution, and now I have tackled it. I just finished a rather lengthy draft of a note which, should worse come to pass, I will leave for those seeking understanding. It was not by any means an easy performance, especially for a very private and reserved character such as myself. Given that it is no surprise that I left many things, some significant others not so much, out. I did make note of their exclusion however, so it will perhaps allow a mystical solace to relieve readers. Obviously, this is a contingency, that is to say at this very time I am not committed to ending my life. However, I have arranged what affairs needed arranging and am prepared to take absolutely any action to achieve absolution from my plight, which yes includes that ominous final decision. At this given time of writing I sit in the early hours of the morning contemplating not going to school tomorrow; to skip school for the first time in my education over its decade-plus expanse, so that I maybe can enjoy some last days. As what is best described as a 'goody two-shoes', this is a stark position from the normal. Either way I see no reason not to, any punishment I could receive pales in comparison to that of what life has so graciously bestowed upon me and will not come to pass. I just don't know what to do. While the specifics are irrelevant, the 'over the edge' circumstance causes me physical pain at the thought, and it is so trivial to the normal person there is no explaining it. Suffice it to say if I were to suffer an accident, like a significant bone injury; broken legs e.g., I would be relieved of it for the meantime, at least until the damage healed. But if that accident was significant enough, it could perhaps offer no other choice but absolution from the burden, an exception to an otherwise unbroken rule. Since the specifics are not notable, I'll just give assurance that this is a reasonable condition. If a true accident were to occur, an outcome similar could be expected. That being said, there is nothing to say an 'intentional accident' wouldn't do the same. Now, I posted this in the crisis section and I hope the previous text conveyed the severity, if not no worries, I'm going to close it up here. I am essentially stuck with: attempting to further endure the situation which, although not physically demanding, is so emotionally/mentally bad for myself personally it causes physical pain; taking drastic but logical steps to render this situation irrelevant or at least postpone it; or the final step of just ending it all. I just wish there was a 'diplomatic' approach, if you will, to the circumstances. Understand I use that loosely, so understand that there is no apparent or uncovered solution that does not involve significant cons to it. I spent a good deal of class time yesterday trying not to break down in tears, and as I sat here writing that note and sit here writing this those very same tears flow for the first time in a long time. I just don't know what to do.