Drastic Yet Logical Steps for Absolution; Perhaps

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by NathanH, Mar 20, 2012.

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  1. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    The culmination of efforts and reasoning has now, in a time of reckoning, allowed itself to be laid out in its vast expanses before me. My entire life and the central plight can be reasonably and logically tied to affairs which took place generations ago. I can't explain it nor will I attempt to, but the daunting conspiring of events so elaborately drove me to where I am now it is almost beyond calculation. This is the final thing I was to overcome in my arrival to self dissolution, and now I have tackled it. I just finished a rather lengthy draft of a note which, should worse come to pass, I will leave for those seeking understanding. It was not by any means an easy performance, especially for a very private and reserved character such as myself. Given that it is no surprise that I left many things, some significant others not so much, out. I did make note of their exclusion however, so it will perhaps allow a mystical solace to relieve readers.

    Obviously, this is a contingency, that is to say at this very time I am not committed to ending my life. However, I have arranged what affairs needed arranging and am prepared to take absolutely any action to achieve absolution from my plight, which yes includes that ominous final decision. At this given time of writing I sit in the early hours of the morning contemplating not going to school tomorrow; to skip school for the first time in my education over its decade-plus expanse, so that I maybe can enjoy some last days. As what is best described as a 'goody two-shoes', this is a stark position from the normal. Either way I see no reason not to, any punishment I could receive pales in comparison to that of what life has so graciously bestowed upon me and will not come to pass. I just don't know what to do.

    While the specifics are irrelevant, the 'over the edge' circumstance causes me physical pain at the thought, and it is so trivial to the normal person there is no explaining it. Suffice it to say if I were to suffer an accident, like a significant bone injury; broken legs e.g., I would be relieved of it for the meantime, at least until the damage healed. But if that accident was significant enough, it could perhaps offer no other choice but absolution from the burden, an exception to an otherwise unbroken rule. Since the specifics are not notable, I'll just give assurance that this is a reasonable condition. If a true accident were to occur, an outcome similar could be expected. That being said, there is nothing to say an 'intentional accident' wouldn't do the same.

    Now, I posted this in the crisis section and I hope the previous text conveyed the severity, if not no worries, I'm going to close it up here. I am essentially stuck with: attempting to further endure the situation which, although not physically demanding, is so emotionally/mentally bad for myself personally it causes physical pain; taking drastic but logical steps to render this situation irrelevant or at least postpone it; or the final step of just ending it all. I just wish there was a 'diplomatic' approach, if you will, to the circumstances. Understand I use that loosely, so understand that there is no apparent or uncovered solution that does not involve significant cons to it. I spent a good deal of class time yesterday trying not to break down in tears, and as I sat here writing that note and sit here writing this those very same tears flow for the first time in a long time. I just don't know what to do.
     
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I have been in your position before....actually written a suicide note in class and no one had a clue how I was feeling. Maybe it is a good idea to take a day or two off school, even if just to have some time away. Maybe it will help to clear your head, or just to think about what is bothering you. I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now, but I'm glad that you are posting and telling us how you feel. It's ultimately your choice on what you decide to do, but I hope you don't do it. You seem to be a kind person and a deep thinker, and the world needs more people like you. My words might not mean much, but I want you to know that I do care.
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Nathan :smile: Please believe me when I say that what you are facing CAN be surmounted. You may not be able to see HOW at all. It's like a dark tunnel to you at the moment with no light at the end. However, there are those (me included) who have come to understand that there are no hopeless situations (as unbelievable as this may seem) - there are only ppl who have become hopeless about their situation.

    Believing your situation to be hopeless, is the thing to work on. You may have no idea or hope that even this could ever happen. But you are a deep thinker, absolutely. I do understand some of what you are facing, having been in a few dark tunnels during my life, [and - God's mercy - have lived through death to tell the tale. But more than that, to tell the Truth about Hope - that it is something very real and not airy-fairy-pie-in-the-sky like it sounds.]

    Above all hun - logic would say that to make a permanent conclusion (and act on it self-destructively) about something that - in the big picture of things - you can look back on in future years as being a temporary condition with insufficient insight to navigate - is not the best conclusion to settle on. Your future will not be the same as your past, or your present, once you have new insights. That's a promise.

    I believe you are open to new insight. You write about things mystical "to relieve readers" - so you understand about ppl needing hope in their hearts. And the same can absolutely happen for you, hun, there are resources to help you.
    Blessings and strength :reub:
     
  4. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    @Witty_Sarcasm; Writing a note in class, wow. Must be hard going through that with others who are unaware in such a casual manner around you. I did take yesterday day off, which I spent with my sister and her fiance for a large portion as we went out to various shops and a restaurant. That was really good to get my mind off of things. Your words have helped give me an additional level of pause as I further reflect. Much appreciated; thanks.

    @urPrecious; I'm glad to hear you've navigated justly dark times of your own and hope the best for you. Understand that I will take what you say in earnest and give good thought on the concepts of hope and unrealized solutions, if you will. At least for the meantime I'm pressing onward, but in an effort not to lie I have no idea how I am going to do that nor do I have a high level of confidence I will. Even so, I'll prolong any crass measures.


    I still stand by what I said initially and am not what I'd call optimistic, but I'll do my best; for sure.
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Nathan - that's very good to hear, about your resolve. I know how scary and intimidating it can be, to see what needs to change and be done - and yet feeling that you don't have the resources to do it. But, they do come - time can change the way we look at things, if we first of all can resolve to make our minds our best friends.

    Who wrote your signature? It's amazing!!
     
  6. NathanH

    NathanH Well-Known Member

    I shall eagerly hope a route shows its way so that I may pave my way through it. Of course, I also hope for the strength to do so. By around this time Monday I suspect I'll know how to proceed.

    As for my signature, thank you and I thought the same thing. It was written by actor, director, composer, and so much more Charlie Chaplin.
     
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Good to know that you are feeling a bit better. Glad I was able to help, if even a little.
     
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