Drawn Here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SuicidalAgain, Sep 6, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    In the last few days I've been drawn to this forum. I've been here before, I don't remember when exactly.
    I think I was here a little before I started getting on meds (by the end of last year, I believe). I went to the psychiatrist, he medicated me and things started to be a little easier and I think I stopped coming here because... Well, it reminds us of suicide.
    I don't know why, but after a few months on medication I started getting depressed again, even though I was on meds. It was worse now because I had new means of ending my life. I started to think a lot about killing myself, but I didn't want to. On a moment of desperation I did it. Then wrote a goodbye message to my cousin, who is a very good friend (and lives on my building) and another friend, that by that time was in another city and couldn't do much.
    I was in bed waiting for death when somebody knocked on the door. It was my cousin's voice telling my mom what I did. They entered my room and called an ambulance.
    Spent the night at the hospital and in the morning went to the psychiatric hospital where the doctor asked me how I felt about being internalized into the hospital. I said no, that I was fine and that I wasn't thinking about doing it again. Prescribed me some more stuff and told me to call and to ask to be internalized if I was feeling suicidal.
    A few days (three I think) went by and my mom, because we have beliefs of something more, brought me to a man with a very good reputation. Supposedly he'd help me in a spiritual way. Turns out he didn't see people on that same day. I got really bored and disappointed and started thinking that it was pointless to try to help me because there was no way to fix me.
    As soon as I got home I did it again.
    Luckily (?) my mom arrived earlier and saw me in bed and called the ambulance. I have little memories of when she found me and what happened next, but I know my mom was desperate.
    This time I didn't have to spend the night in the hospital and after being take care of I was sent to the psychiatric hospital where I was seen by a different doctor that internalized me. I stomped my foot and made a scandal even though I'm a very peaceful person. There was no way they'd put in a hospital.
    I was supposed to be there for two or three days but because I didn't agree to the treatment I was held there for a week and a few days.
    My mom and my grandma came to visit me every day and so many people came to show me their care and affection and I sympathized with some of the patients there. I felt kinda sorry leaving my new "friends" behind when I left the hospital, but I really needed home. The cozy home, my precious room and my precious people. Even the outside was precious because when I was in the hospital I wasn't allowed outside.
    Anyways, I felt very good and a few months later (all this happened in January-February) I went to see my doctors because of the meds and he took me off them. I said I didn't like the side effects and he said that was okay, that I'd do good with therapy alone.

    The next months have been really good. I'll finish the story later, I need to go pick my boyfriend at work, it's his last day there and I'm late. (Gosh, I feel better just writing about my past experience, thanks for existing Suicideforum!)
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome back! :hug: I look forward to hearing the rest of your story. ~ Best wishes, Alex ~
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I do hope therapy alone helps you hun let doctors know if you feel worse getting off the meds okay nice to hear that you are doing better hugs
     
  4. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    Thank you :)
    The thing is I'm not seeing a therapist at the moment and my therapist is on vacation.

    Well, after I got out of the hospital I started doing things. People wanted me out of the house and so did I. I wanted to do things, to keep the depression away.
    I even met a guy that is now my boyfriend. He's my first boyfriend and I'm really happy with him and I love him.
    I was seeing my therapist once every two-three weeks and I was feeling fine and happy. Even happier when the sun started shining brighter in the sky (sometimes I think I have seasonal depression). Well, because the appointments had a kinda big interval between them I ended up forgetting them. I missed once, then made another appointment. Then I missed the second time and I didn't make another because I was kinda embarrassed. Funny thing is that I remembered the appointments... Just one day later xD

    I think I needed to continue the therapy to prevent what is happening now. I'm kind of bipolar lately. One minute I'm happy the other I'm depressed. To be more specific, my mother has been arriving home stressed and - I don't know if I'm the only who feels this way - these kinds of moods are contagious. I changed the minute I heard her complain about whatever (because she was doing it on another room).
    I thought it was because of my boyfriend coming over all the time, because she would be spending money on me when college started, because I, because I, because I! Then I started to think that maybe I should do her the favor of disappearing and not letting anybody ever hear anything from me.
    But then there is my boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him and I think I already am with these sudden mood swings. I even considered breaking up so he didn't have to go through this, but I'm selfish and his affection really helps me when I'm down.

    So I come here... Because I think about ending my life but I feel that I'm not allowed to feel this way and that I'm not allowed to not be okay. My grandma calls me everyday and I tell her that I'm okay everytime and lately it has been a lie.
    I guess I don't want to burden my loved ones so I came here for support.

    Aaaand... My mom came to me today to ask me if I wanted to schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist. I said no. I really don't. Before there were meds there were other ways to treat depression and I'm never going back to taking these kinds of meds. So I want my therapist, but he's on vacation for another week or whatever.

    Anyways, I spent a little time with my boyfriend today and his mom and his brother and I had missed his family and talking about whatever with them. It made me feel good. Writing this makes me see that I'm not in such a bad place after all. My life is good, I shouldn't be feeling this way. Well... Thanks for reading. I know it's a lot to read :X Thanks :)
     
  5. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    "Before there were meds there were other ways to treat depression" - what are you referring to? There was trephination where they make a hole in your head to let the devil out. There was ECT and it still exists and is now humane but no one gets that usually except as a last resort after many trials of medication. Just curious... what was good treatment that was before meds?
     
  6. SuicidalAgain

    SuicidalAgain Well-Known Member

    There are natural ways to fix it, I didn't mean any procedures.
    Like therapy, there are some foods that help, exercise, cutting caffeine (something I must do), etc, etc... I know it maybe little things, but I believe that if we manage to find the strength to do it all we can get out of it.

    Personally, I'm not going back to medication. It was such a pain when I stopped taking my last pill. My body started shaking, I couldn't see food because it made me wanna puke... Luckily it only lasted a few days and it was worth it. What I'm gonna do now is hold on for my therapist to come back from his vacation and then treat myself that way.

    I think I'm not in a very bad state right now. I actually feel good. My friend advised me to write a list of things I'm grateful for, good things that I have in my life... Because something we tend to do when we're depressed is to value the things that are wrong in our lives, make them big and totally take the good things we have for granted and for that, their value is null. The fact that you've got a house, food, people who care for you (even if you think they don't) is a very good reason to be thankful and to think twice before doing something so drastic as to end your life over a temporary feeling.
     
  7. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    I'm glad things are looking up for you. :hamtaro:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.