Dread. I'm panicking.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bluhbluh, Jan 3, 2013.

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  1. Bluhbluh

    Bluhbluh Member

    Hello. I am 20 yrs old. I am new here and I really want any help I can get. I don't truly want to die but I feel very hopeless.

    I'm a complete failure. I have been feeling very depressed for 2 years and started feeling suicidal a year ago after my family and I had to move states because of drug-war related security issues (I do not live in the US). This is not the first time I've been suicidal and I attempted suicide twice at 12.

    I have failed my 1st college semester twice and I was just kicked out of college, failing college for the third time. Concentrating on anything is extremely hard, getting out of bed makes me feel like I'm fucking Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders. I move like a snail, I binge eat or just starve myself when getting out of bed seems impossible. Headaches come twice a week, I keep getting nightmares when trying to sleep and my beloved 16 yr old dog died in a bloody, gory mess 2 weeks ago. I sometimes get episodes of crippling anxiety that will make me sweat cold and can make my heart race until it hurts.

    I hate the place I live in, I've driven many people away, I have no friends here and I have disappointed my parents completely in my failures in college. I thought I could do this, I really did, I put on an optimistic facade for my parents for a while because I know their greatest fear is for any of their offspring to be unsuccessful. To them, I am much too old at 20 to be starting college and this will be the ultimate disappointment. I really thought I could do it.

    I feel so scared about actually achieving suicide but I don't see much hope, therapy is very expensive and I am a huge burden and disappointment to my family.

    Tomorrow my family will very likely find out about how my college kicked me out. I lied to them this whole time, telling them I was doing fine and pretending to be a good dutiful student. The last time I had depression my parents did not take it very seriously and our home life became pretty hellish with them being angry with me most of the time so I went the coward way and did not tell them of anything being wrong. My mother will go insane and she'll rightfully feel betrayed by me and will surely never trust me again. I am reaping what I sowed, I know it's all my fault for not doing well and yet I feel such dread.

    I relapsed into self-harm to try to calm my anxiety this morning and my right arm is now all cut up. I have to restrain myself a lot from picking up my blade again and slicing more of my skin, I feel such anxiety. I dread my parents finding out about my failure so much I can barely breath, my heart is beating super fast and I feel like I could faint. I dread disappointing them so much once more. I feel so nervous, I can feel this ball in my throat kinda obstructing my breathing. I think I'm having a panic attack.

    If people here have been able to get through suicidal feelings and depression without therapy or medicine I'd love to know. Also, if anyone has been able to recover from this type of failure in college, I'd also love to read bout it.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    When people have anxiety, depression, a lot of pain, it is not their fault. And this is not your fault. I do hear you that your parents think otherwise. But I do not agree with them. I wish there was a way that locally you could get the help you deserve. I was not able to complete college. And I have had panic attacks. I have had great anxiety as well as depression. These sort of symptoms are a physical thing. And are never ever your fault. Although I too blame myself for the depression and extreme anxiety etc i live in. Perhaps it is the way society judges it. But it is not acurate

    I wish I could give you some suggestions regarding how to get through the suicidal feelings and depression. Do you think there might be some kind of helpline in the country in which you live? A helpline that could direct you to a doctor or someone who might be able to help... at an affordable fee ? I really hope so. Again, this is not your fault. But I can understand why people blame themselves. Even though that blame is not the real truth. :flowers:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2013
  3. Bluhbluh

    Bluhbluh Member

    flowers:

    The country I live in (Mexico) is one with a very low suicide rate and mental ailments such as depression are not considered illnesses by many but something to "get over with". My mom is from this country and the only mental illness she considers serious is Schizophrenia while all others mental illnesses to her are just things to diagnose people with so they don't feel they're at fault for their failures.
    I feel so stupid. Most people in this country have gone through a lot of pretty bad stuff (myself included) because of how dangerous this place can be and yet they manage to be happy, have great social lives AND do great in college. I feel pathetic.

    What could I do? I'm afraid. Should I show mother my arm, maybe she'll take me seriously that way? Or maybe I'll anger her much more, I don't know. I'm so afraid, I have no idea what to do. The college psychologist is never there in her office so I have kinda ruled her out, I have never seen her anywhere in my whole year in that college.

    Did your parents react in a special way from you not completing college? Were you able to move on well enough? Anything you could tell me from your experience would help.
    Thank you very much for replying.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2013
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I'm 23 and have suffered with severe depression and crippling anxiety for years. I also failed college. I failed college because of anxiety. But I didn't exactly have the same problem as you have as even though my mom paid for me to go to college she did not mind that I couldn't do it. Instead she supported me and made sure I went to my psychiatric appointments. I am on very heavy medications for my depression/anxiety/insomnia/post traumatic stress disorder.

    For you- I would suggest telling your parents now about what has happened with college because it will be better coming from you than coming from a stranger, you may also earn some trust by being honest. To end the anxiety it's causing I think its the best thing to do. To just get it over and done with. :hug:
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I'm a mum who's son locked himself in his room for ten years.
    All the hopes I had for him mattered not a jot to me in the face of his misery.
    Bite the bullet and tell your mum what's happened.
    If she's any kind of parent she will get you some help.

    By the way, it's never too late for college if that's what you want to do.
    I went back and did a second degree at 40 and loved it.
     
  6. Bluhbluh

    Bluhbluh Member

    Cocacola:

    Thank you, I think I logically know that if I came clean already I could get all the yelling and etc over with but I'm such a coward, I'm terrified. My parents have always wanted the best for my sis and I and I've disappointed them before already and this one will be the harshest disappointment of them all. I think my honesty would be too little and too late by this point? Mother would probably get extremely angry and she'd probably cry a lot as well too. I remember her telling me "all I ask from you is to pass fucking college, I don't ask for anything else". I couldn't even fulfill this one request. Oh, God.


    Tomorrow I want to try one last time to reach my school psychologist to see if she could help me out though I have never seen her anywhere in the whole year I've been in college. I really hope I can see her even though I have no idea what she could truly do for me at this point. I need to try though. My feelings about death are much too contradictory for me to truly desire dying.

    If nothing works, I fear I'll end up crossing the line regardless of me wanting to live. I feel like too much of a burden who doesn't pull her weight. Without me, my parents would not have to worry about my poor college performance and they'd have more money to spend on themselves or my lil sis. With me around, I'm dragging them down with them paying for college.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2013
  7. Bluhbluh

    Bluhbluh Member

    @Terry

    Your son locking himself in his room, I can relate (though it's been 2 years in my case).

    You sound like a great mom, you don't seem judgmental of him and I have a feeling you did all you could to help him during those times.

    My mom is a good mom but she has many notions and ideas that stem from how she was raised in this country. She is also not very stable. The last time I was in such a problem, she took it so badly. She'd alternate from being very loving and concerned for my well being to being absolutely enraged with lots of angry tears and very hurtful words. Even my normally pretty level-headed dad would behave this way at times. I ended up trying to OD on blue pills prescribed to me by a psychiatrist because of how awful I felt about their outbursts.

    I honestly don't blame them for their reaction, they had no idea how to deal with a depressed/suicidal kid and my extremely foul behavior and mood swings did not help matters at all. From the way mom was raised as well, she's always been more likely to believe in mystics and shamans than in psychiatrists and dad was once suicidal himself a long time ago but he did not consider it something to go see a doctor for.

    Still, I'm the kind of person who rarely forgets anything bad done to me (this is a terrible trait of mine that I absolutely hate in myself) and I'm afraid the past scenario from years ago will repeat itself once more.

    Was your son able to heal eventually? I hope he is doing well now!
     
  8. Bluhbluh

    Bluhbluh Member

    Terry:

    Your son locking himself in his room, I can relate (though it's been 2 years in my case).

    You sound like a great mom, you don't seem judgmental of him and I have a feeling you did all you could to help him during those times.

    My mom is a good mom but she has many notions and ideas that stem from how she was raised in this country. She is also not very stable. The last time I was in such a problem, she took it so badly. She'd alternate from being very loving and concerned for my well being to being absolutely enraged with lots of angry tears and very hurtful words. Even my normally pretty level-headed dad would behave this way at times. I ended up trying to OD on blue pills prescribed to me by a psychiatrist because of how awful I felt about their outbursts.

    I honestly don't blame them for their reaction, they had no idea how to deal with a depressed/suicidal kid and my extremely foul behavior and mood swings did not help matters at all. From the way mom was raised as well, she's always been more likely to believe in mystics and shamans than in psychiatrists and dad was once suicidal himself a long time ago but he did not consider it something to go see a doctor for.

    Still, I'm the kind of person who rarely forgets anything bad done to me (this is a terrible trait of mine that I absolutely hate in myself) and I'm afraid the past scenario from years ago will repeat itself once more.

    Was your son able to heal eventually? I hope he is doing well now!
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    you now have this community :hug: I hope you can find a way to let the college psychologist know that you have to see her no matter what. Leave urgent notes etc. Show your mom and the psychologist your arm. Maybe see the school nurse. do anything and everything you can safely do to let them know that you are screaming for help. Yes?

    I am sorry that your mom has unrealistic goals for you. You asked about me. My parents understood that I could not make it in college. They were not demanding at all. Having said that, my mother caused me to feel like I was a failure every time I opened my mouth. So I do know volumes about shame.

    I hope you can be honest with your mother. Lnowing that you now have friends here who can support you. No one here can say for sure what's best. All I can do is say that honesty usually is best. And you do have people here who support you. I hope you can show your mother your arm. yes. I hope you can tell her the truth. Again, no one can know whats best for you to do. But in my heart I would like to hope that you can make a crack in her belief system if you are honest. If you know what I mean.

    In reality WHO people are is what is significant. What is in their heart is significant. Wheen I read your words I read the words of a good person with a good heart. Yes, a preson who is in great pain. But I have met some amazing light filled people who have great challenges suffering with anxiety, depression and other such conditions. Depression, anxiety, the pain etc is not WHO they are. It is what they do suffer with. I can feel that you are a good caring person.

    Again, please do everything in your power to let your voice be heard at the college. The psychologist, the school nurse. Anyone who will listen. At the very least you will know beyond question that you did everything in your power. What more can be asked of anyone. But I am hoping you will be finally heard by someone locally.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 4, 2013
  10. Bluhbluh

    Bluhbluh Member

    flowers:

    Thank you so much for your kind words. Guilt is still something I can't shake off and I still feel such dread, but I think I've resigned myself to tell the truth. I hope I can find the school psychologist today. I spent a terrible day feeling awful tomorrow and now I feel very nervous again and at the same time I feel so tired, I could sleep forever. I'm so tired most of the time, I guess that's what I want out of death, to sleep forever and never have to wake up again.

    God, everything will probably be horrible today. All of my mom and dad's dreams are coming true though, they're pretty wealthy and dad had always dreamed of being rich. Maybe they'll be a bit more lenient then back when I was 12? Or maybe it'll be worse cus I'm 20 and I'm supposed to be an adult and I was in a prestigious school. Oh, god. I hope my courage doesn't waver and I don't end lying even more to try to buy myself more time. It'd be useless and futile but I know myself and I could end up succumbing to lying, lying, lying. I need to make things right today somehow, I need to be strong.
    I feel terrible, mother had told me 6 months ago "Do not ever lie to me again, you must always tell me the truth" but how to do it when the truth would anger her so much and cause her anguish? I wish my parents weren't the ones paying for college. I wish I wasn't so damn sheltered and that I lived on my own, that way the guilt and anxiety wouldn't consume me and I'd be much freer to make mistakes and heal at my own pace.

    I'm very glad I found this community, the people here all seem to be very nice! Btw, do you think I should withdraw from college for awhile or I should try to get into another one? Does a psychiatrist determine that? It's been so many years since I've last seen one so I'm not sure.
     
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Bluh, From what you wrote it sounds like your parents might equate success with money and education. If so, I can understand that.
    I came from a family that thought success involved finacial and social status. Education for a female, myself, was not so important. However it was expected beyond question that I would go to college. That was many years ago. I am actually older than your mother.

    My mother only could tolerate everything being perfect. It was how she compensated for her own very powerful feelings of inferiority. Look beautiful. Dress perfectly. Act perfect. Money. Social status. Social success. These were all of utmost importance to her. And I failed horribly at them all. Quite the opposite of what she needed me to be. And I do stress the word needed. she did succeed in them all. But not I.

    I could not be what my mother needed for me to be. I could not be the success ( her definition of success) she needed her offspring to be. Did this make me a failure? No. But I believed it to be so. I believed her assessment of my failures in her eyes. I believe this is why I did not heal. But you can heal.

    Perhaps you have a greater and lighter heart than others in your family. And yet the value system is set up so this is not recognized or honored. Perhaps you have great gifts in other areas. But the value system is set up so that, again this is not recognized or honored. So you can see how success is, excuse the pun, relative.

    Re: your question, sometimes there are things that must be worked on before someone can continue on the college path. It could be a number of things. anything from working on balancing the anxiety and depression. Or it could be finding out what inspires you. What your heart wants to do in life. Or it could be finding the right school to nurture your interests.

    Either way, I hope you can work with a psychiatrist to heal those parts of your wonderful self that so deserve to be healed. I cannot know the right answers for you. But I do know you deserve to heal this pain. I know you are not the pain. You are not the depression. You are not the anxiety. But you can heal them. With the right partnership. Aka, the right therapist / psychologist / therapist working with you. Then you can be free to be the best you that you can be. Whatever that will mean for you.

    Healing is a process. I have seen so many wonderful and amazing people who have taken on tremendous challenges. And as they heal from them, they gain a strength that could not have been tapped into any other way. You are not a failure. But your challenges can make you stronger. They can bring you wisdom and compassion that could not be gotten in any other way. I think its important to get that help you deserve so you can begin to heal.

    Sounds like you may feel backed into a corner. If you are honest then you feel your mother may be deeply upset with you. And yet your mother has cautioned you to never lie to her. Perhaps you can imagine taking the hand of the person who is the greatest emotional support for you. And imagine asking them to help you to feel the best answer to this dilemma. Breathe their love and compassion into your heart And then maybe you can trust your own answer.

    I hope that you were able to find help. Please, please know that sometimes the most gifted people are the ones who are very different from their family. This is painful and alienating. But when they look back on it years later, they are grateful for who they are. Even though it was a painful road for the first number of years. There is great reason for hope !!!!!

    Will you let us know how things are going ?
     
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