Hello. I am 20 yrs old. I am new here and I really want any help I can get. I don't truly want to die but I feel very hopeless. I'm a complete failure. I have been feeling very depressed for 2 years and started feeling suicidal a year ago after my family and I had to move states because of drug-war related security issues (I do not live in the US). This is not the first time I've been suicidal and I attempted suicide twice at 12. I have failed my 1st college semester twice and I was just kicked out of college, failing college for the third time. Concentrating on anything is extremely hard, getting out of bed makes me feel like I'm fucking Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders. I move like a snail, I binge eat or just starve myself when getting out of bed seems impossible. Headaches come twice a week, I keep getting nightmares when trying to sleep and my beloved 16 yr old dog died in a bloody, gory mess 2 weeks ago. I sometimes get episodes of crippling anxiety that will make me sweat cold and can make my heart race until it hurts. I hate the place I live in, I've driven many people away, I have no friends here and I have disappointed my parents completely in my failures in college. I thought I could do this, I really did, I put on an optimistic facade for my parents for a while because I know their greatest fear is for any of their offspring to be unsuccessful. To them, I am much too old at 20 to be starting college and this will be the ultimate disappointment. I really thought I could do it. I feel so scared about actually achieving suicide but I don't see much hope, therapy is very expensive and I am a huge burden and disappointment to my family. Tomorrow my family will very likely find out about how my college kicked me out. I lied to them this whole time, telling them I was doing fine and pretending to be a good dutiful student. The last time I had depression my parents did not take it very seriously and our home life became pretty hellish with them being angry with me most of the time so I went the coward way and did not tell them of anything being wrong. My mother will go insane and she'll rightfully feel betrayed by me and will surely never trust me again. I am reaping what I sowed, I know it's all my fault for not doing well and yet I feel such dread. I relapsed into self-harm to try to calm my anxiety this morning and my right arm is now all cut up. I have to restrain myself a lot from picking up my blade again and slicing more of my skin, I feel such anxiety. I dread my parents finding out about my failure so much I can barely breath, my heart is beating super fast and I feel like I could faint. I dread disappointing them so much once more. I feel so nervous, I can feel this ball in my throat kinda obstructing my breathing. I think I'm having a panic attack. If people here have been able to get through suicidal feelings and depression without therapy or medicine I'd love to know. Also, if anyone has been able to recover from this type of failure in college, I'd also love to read bout it.