I don't have a ton of time to spend in SF today, but I'm consumed with worry this morning, and need to vent a little bit. I feel like I've been running for so long, staying just ahead of my demons. Every once in a while they catch up enough to give me a good swipe and the only defense I know is to end it all... or try to anyway. I realized this morning that I've lived in this constant suicidal state of "readiness" for so long. As I've stated before in SF, for years I've taken comfort in the idea of suicide as my "escape hatch". I know that I am not equipped in any way right now to handle angry confrontation, and while I have so many fears about my rapidly discintegrating life right now, my worst fear is that my partner will realize what a terrible person I am and all that I've been hiding from her (our finances are falling apart, it's my responsibility to manage them and I haven't been brave enough to tell her) and corner me in a confrontational situation where I won't have access to my "escape hatch". I work from home, so if the shit hits the fan while I'm alone during the week, I know I can do what I need to do (I know... awful...I wish I could change it). But weekends are scary. My partner (I tend to refer to her as "Honey")... Honey is home and if that awful confrontation I'm always dreading occured, I know that she would never let me take the car, lock myself in the bathroom, run away or any other situation where I could end it. It would make her angrier, and she would call 911 and have me locked up (which since I am currently without health insurance, would cause even more financial devistation for us). I suppose if you're not suicidal, it probably seems like a GOOD thing that she would stop me, but to me it's terrifying, because I feel even less safe without access to the only "out" I know. Does that make sense? To make matters worse, next week she will be home Wednesday through Monday. I love her dearly, and feel bad even thinking it because she needs and deserves the time off, but it's so scary when I'm feeling this way to have her home for such a big chunk of time. To make matters worse, I have to call bill collectors back today (very important as I'm trying to stop a foreclosure on our home and am very behind on credit cards) and am literally paralyzed with fear to even pick up the phone. I told Honey last night that I think my abusive childhood made me into an adult who is incapable of managing conflict. I'm always keeping those plates spinning, and live in terror that one day they will all come crashing down. I'm just so tired.