Dread...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ZasuArt, Nov 18, 2011.

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  1. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I don't have a ton of time to spend in SF today, but I'm consumed with worry this morning, and need to vent a little bit. I feel like I've been running for so long, staying just ahead of my demons. Every once in a while they catch up enough to give me a good swipe and the only defense I know is to end it all... or try to anyway. I realized this morning that I've lived in this constant suicidal state of "readiness" for so long. As I've stated before in SF, for years I've taken comfort in the idea of suicide as my "escape hatch". I know that I am not equipped in any way right now to handle angry confrontation, and while I have so many fears about my rapidly discintegrating life right now, my worst fear is that my partner will realize what a terrible person I am and all that I've been hiding from her (our finances are falling apart, it's my responsibility to manage them and I haven't been brave enough to tell her) and corner me in a confrontational situation where I won't have access to my "escape hatch". I work from home, so if the shit hits the fan while I'm alone during the week, I know I can do what I need to do (I know... awful...I wish I could change it). But weekends are scary. My partner (I tend to refer to her as "Honey")... Honey is home and if that awful confrontation I'm always dreading occured, I know that she would never let me take the car, lock myself in the bathroom, run away or any other situation where I could end it. It would make her angrier, and she would call 911 and have me locked up (which since I am currently without health insurance, would cause even more financial devistation for us). I suppose if you're not suicidal, it probably seems like a GOOD thing that she would stop me, but to me it's terrifying, because I feel even less safe without access to the only "out" I know. Does that make sense? To make matters worse, next week she will be home Wednesday through Monday. I love her dearly, and feel bad even thinking it because she needs and deserves the time off, but it's so scary when I'm feeling this way to have her home for such a big chunk of time. To make matters worse, I have to call bill collectors back today (very important as I'm trying to stop a foreclosure on our home and am very behind on credit cards) and am literally paralyzed with fear to even pick up the phone. I told Honey last night that I think my abusive childhood made me into an adult who is incapable of managing conflict. I'm always keeping those plates spinning, and live in terror that one day they will all come crashing down. I'm just so tired.
     
  2. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    Funny, I'm a runner too, and ALWAYS feel like I have suicide as my backdoor escape hatch. Like you i'm always ready for it. Not sure how long you and Honey have been together or what your relationship is like. But if it's loving and supportive, I truly hope that when you do finally tell her, it's not as bad as you're imagining it will be (that is something I've also done my entire life. I fear conflict and magnify and make it a million times worse in my head before I do it, keeping me from doing it when I need to). Money is hard all over the world these days, and it's crazy how finances can tear apart a relationship when the 2 people shoulld actually be working together on it. I wish you the ebst of luck with everything. I do hope that you tell her soon and that she wants to work WITH you to try to figure out the finances together.
     
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks, BK... I'm so sorry you're struggling too :( I wish that you didn't have the same challenges, but it does help to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Honey and I have been together and lived together almost 12 years. We married this past June. We've been through so much together, and overall our relationship is very good. Our two big issues are her explosive anger (which she works so hard to control, and has gotten so much better with) and my hiding things that might upset her due to my irrational but overpowering fear of angry confrontation. In fact, every suicide attempt during our relationship (I'm ashamed to say, there have been a handful) was a result of this very conflict. I grew up in an environment where I was the constant target of yelling, name calling, relentless criticism and physical abuse. I learned that to survive I had to make myself as small and invisible as possible and to do anything and everything I could to avoid inspiring anger. I've been in therapy for years and years and years, and have never been able to get a handle on the hiding anything that might inspire anger and walking on eggshells for any significant length of time. I absolutely do magnify what I think her reaction will be, but in this case, I've dug us into a hole I'm not sure we can get out of, together or otherwise. I'm trying though, and hoping for a solution or a (for me, supernatural) burst of courage to talk to her about it before the bottom drops out. Thank you again for your kindness. :console:
     
  4. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    Congrats on your marriage! 12 years is a long time, sounds like a solid relationship. As far as the financial hole, if there's not a way completely out, there usually are somehow someways to deal with it. I'm pulling for YOU, and for the two of you. If you ever want to chat, or open up more, you can always PM me. Sounds like we have the same aversion to confrontation. So while I have no solution for you since I STILL avoid telling people things I think will set them off and seek to avoid confrontation at all costs, I can relate to you.
     
  5. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much, BK! And thank you for your friendship, that means so much to me. And please do the same if you need to vent to someone who "gets" that part of you :)
     
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