Dreaded visit from my mother :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flowers, Sep 11, 2011.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I feel a bit odd asking for support for this. For one, I am 60 years old. Also I am grateful that my mother is still alive. Very grateful, indeed. But she is very hard on me. She used to be quite mean to me. And still has the ability to destroy because I have not healed the holes in me that were created over the decades. She is a very very strong force. People listen to her and she is quite respected amongst the movers and shakers in the large sity in which she lives.

    I always was a failure in her eyes. I could not do anything right. Mean words were always said. I have manged to keep away from her for many years. Because I was too physically ill to travel to see her. But now she is coming to where I live. She will be arriving on Saturday. She is a "force to be reconed with".

    She is a perfectionist, of course. And she lives like she has a lot of money. I have practically no money ( although she has been generous in the past 20 years) and my home is a mess according to her standards. She will call the way I keep my home a dump.

    I am not worried about how I look. Because I am thin enough for her as long as I diet a few days. I suffer from malnutrition. But that is not of importance to her. all she would care about is that I am thin enough and my home looks good and of course that I am dressed well.

    She is not all horrible. 12 years ago I had surgery and she came up here. So she is not horrible. Just very mean and destructive much of the time. A friend who would be acceptable to her, said she would come to my home on that day. but my mother will have none of that. She wants only her cleaning lady, with whom she will be travelling, to be there. She said she will meet my friend. But she cannot spend the day with her. My mother will not be staying over night. She will come and go on the same day.

    I have been cleaning and polishing copper and brass etc. I have painted the gold angels so they look brighter. And hosed down the outside bench so I can give it a fresh coat of paint. But really I cannot clean the 27 year old carpets that are more brown than gold at this point. and I cannot clean or organize most of the stuff.

    Anyway, she will be here on Saturday the 17th of sept And I am getting quite nervous. Things are coming up. Like when my brothers and she had a reunion in Boston where she lives. And I purposfully was kept away. I was not told about it until after it had happened. I learned on that day that there was a difference between family and relatives.

    anyway, I am asking for support. Sorry this is so long. My mind just wll not calm down. My brother wants me to forbid her from coming. But I cannot travel to see her. Because she insists on eating out at resturaunts 2 times a day. And I can eat almost no foods. which would infuriate her. And would also make me feel horrible because I would want food that tastes good. And I cannot have that. I am feeling very sad and nervous and alone. Thank you. <3
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    aww hun dam eh it is a shame even after all these years they have that power. I hope you can set some boundaries flower for you if she starts just tell her stop use those words okay stop you will accept any more of her abusive words. I am glad she is not staying the night hun so you just have to get through a day with her i hope it goes well hun She is there to see you remind her of that not you house your clothes etc she is there to visit you hun
    I think having a friend over with you on that day is acceptable it is not her call it is your call . If you need someone there to help you then do it okay and im sorry but the heck what your mother wants. Let us know how it goes hun okay sending lots of hugs your way :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    oh flowers I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed about your Mums visit..
    I had problems with my Mum so I get what you're feeling
    I agree with TE...it's your home, and your call what you feel comfortable with.
    how are you at 'assertivness'?
    I wish I'd known 'assertive' when my Mum was alive
    I love her dearly but she was a very hard woman and upset me many times

    I hope your 'visit' goes well and you only have good memories of the day..
    lots of meditation, positive thoughts and deep breathing this week might help
  4. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Sending hugs your way! :) :hug: :hug:

    P.S. I think you have the right to have a friend with you as well.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Words can be so powerful, and she sounds like she uses them, and not in a nice way...she has abused you in the past, which gives you ample reason to believe she will not be kind now...but you can choose to not let them hurt you as they have...you are more than the things in your home...the restaurants you eat at...unfortunately, she is not...it seems in reality, she the one that has the problems...let her talk; she does it because she is not right in her own skin...and protect yourself, understanding the source of her meanness! also let me know if you need this b**ch from Brooklyn to give her a piece of my mind!
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks V, IV, Alex and sadeyes. I will get through it. I do know I will. After all, I am an adult now. And I am not all the things she has said I am. I will be fine. I know I will. I was just in a temporary state of fear. But its better now.

    And by the way sadeyes, Brooklyn has some very cewl areas. Glad you get to live there.
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Oh my, big - BIG - hugs to you.

    I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier - and this will answer many of my q's in my pm to you.

    I, too, would have your friend there for you. While my mother would take me as she found me, she had a way with words that would cut you down very quickly.

    Yes, keep breathing and see yourself as somewhere distant that you would enjoy - a beach, or a mountain etc. Try & keep that image with you during the time she is there. Gosh, I am sorry this is causing you such distress.

    Take care, you are worth it, you are a wonderful person and you should be what/who she is coming to see - not the material things which are worthless anyhow.

  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Flowers,
    If hse starts to belittle you get up and walk away..Do this everytime.. She will be curious and ask what your doing??Tell her I am giving you a chance to get it out of your system before I return because I damn sure don't want to hear it..She will be flabbergasted..You will then have the upper hand,.
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