I feel a bit odd asking for support for this. For one, I am 60 years old. Also I am grateful that my mother is still alive. Very grateful, indeed. But she is very hard on me. She used to be quite mean to me. And still has the ability to destroy because I have not healed the holes in me that were created over the decades. She is a very very strong force. People listen to her and she is quite respected amongst the movers and shakers in the large sity in which she lives.
I always was a failure in her eyes. I could not do anything right. Mean words were always said. I have manged to keep away from her for many years. Because I was too physically ill to travel to see her. But now she is coming to where I live. She will be arriving on Saturday. She is a "force to be reconed with".
She is a perfectionist, of course. And she lives like she has a lot of money. I have practically no money ( although she has been generous in the past 20 years) and my home is a mess according to her standards. She will call the way I keep my home a dump.
I am not worried about how I look. Because I am thin enough for her as long as I diet a few days. I suffer from malnutrition. But that is not of importance to her. all she would care about is that I am thin enough and my home looks good and of course that I am dressed well.
She is not all horrible. 12 years ago I had surgery and she came up here. So she is not horrible. Just very mean and destructive much of the time. A friend who would be acceptable to her, said she would come to my home on that day. but my mother will have none of that. She wants only her cleaning lady, with whom she will be travelling, to be there. She said she will meet my friend. But she cannot spend the day with her. My mother will not be staying over night. She will come and go on the same day.
I have been cleaning and polishing copper and brass etc. I have painted the gold angels so they look brighter. And hosed down the outside bench so I can give it a fresh coat of paint. But really I cannot clean the 27 year old carpets that are more brown than gold at this point. and I cannot clean or organize most of the stuff.
Anyway, she will be here on Saturday the 17th of sept And I am getting quite nervous. Things are coming up. Like when my brothers and she had a reunion in Boston where she lives. And I purposfully was kept away. I was not told about it until after it had happened. I learned on that day that there was a difference between family and relatives.
anyway, I am asking for support. Sorry this is so long. My mind just wll not calm down. My brother wants me to forbid her from coming. But I cannot travel to see her. Because she insists on eating out at resturaunts 2 times a day. And I can eat almost no foods. which would infuriate her. And would also make me feel horrible because I would want food that tastes good. And I cannot have that. I am feeling very sad and nervous and alone. Thank you. <3
I always was a failure in her eyes. I could not do anything right. Mean words were always said. I have manged to keep away from her for many years. Because I was too physically ill to travel to see her. But now she is coming to where I live. She will be arriving on Saturday. She is a "force to be reconed with".
She is a perfectionist, of course. And she lives like she has a lot of money. I have practically no money ( although she has been generous in the past 20 years) and my home is a mess according to her standards. She will call the way I keep my home a dump.
I am not worried about how I look. Because I am thin enough for her as long as I diet a few days. I suffer from malnutrition. But that is not of importance to her. all she would care about is that I am thin enough and my home looks good and of course that I am dressed well.
She is not all horrible. 12 years ago I had surgery and she came up here. So she is not horrible. Just very mean and destructive much of the time. A friend who would be acceptable to her, said she would come to my home on that day. but my mother will have none of that. She wants only her cleaning lady, with whom she will be travelling, to be there. She said she will meet my friend. But she cannot spend the day with her. My mother will not be staying over night. She will come and go on the same day.
I have been cleaning and polishing copper and brass etc. I have painted the gold angels so they look brighter. And hosed down the outside bench so I can give it a fresh coat of paint. But really I cannot clean the 27 year old carpets that are more brown than gold at this point. and I cannot clean or organize most of the stuff.
Anyway, she will be here on Saturday the 17th of sept And I am getting quite nervous. Things are coming up. Like when my brothers and she had a reunion in Boston where she lives. And I purposfully was kept away. I was not told about it until after it had happened. I learned on that day that there was a difference between family and relatives.
anyway, I am asking for support. Sorry this is so long. My mind just wll not calm down. My brother wants me to forbid her from coming. But I cannot travel to see her. Because she insists on eating out at resturaunts 2 times a day. And I can eat almost no foods. which would infuriate her. And would also make me feel horrible because I would want food that tastes good. And I cannot have that. I am feeling very sad and nervous and alone. Thank you. <3
:hug: :hug: 