dreading my obgyn appointment

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by bipolarkitty, Jan 10, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I have an obgyn appointment in 8 hours. God, I really don't want to go! It's hard enough the rest of the time, but now?? My doctor knows about my abuse history. He's so gentle, caring, understanding, and sympathetic. He's really the best obgyn I've ever had. But I'm scared to tell him that I'm scared I'll get triggered by the exam. :cry:

    I know I should tell him, I just don't know how. :sad:

    I need to do some stuff to get ready for the appointment and here it is - almost 1 am and I haven't done any of it. I've been putting it off for hours, trying not to think about it. My appointment is at 9:00 am and I'm not going to get much sleep if any. That'll only make me worse, I know.

    Why am I so terrified??? The later it gets, the worse I'm panicking. I'm *this close* to having a panic attack!

    I HATE all this stuff being stirred back up. I'm trying so hard to settle down, but it's a lot harder this time around and I don't know why. What's wrong with me?!? :cry:
  2. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    it's ok to be scared, I think most people would be without all the other crap you have, my advice is yes tell him, explain everything, the more you trust him the less likely he is to trig you, if it comes to it you may be able to get a female colleague or a nurse to perform the physical parts of the exam (assuming it's the whole - guy touching you thing that you think will trigger).
  3. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't know what's triggering me so much these past few days. I really don't know what's up with me lately.

    I do trust him. I'm just scared and confused. And embarrassed that this is such an issue for me again. I really thought I had a handle on all this years ago.
  4. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    I understand that it feels embarrassing, things we think we laid to rest years ago can just crop up, especially if we're not having a very good time. But you probably have higher expectations of yourself than anyone else, something like abuse is impossible to forget, and will always hound you ocassionally, the measure of your character is not whether you allow such things to attack or effect you, but rather how you deal with it when you do. We have this belief that we should be able to deal with anything on our own, but the whole of society is based on us depending on each other, it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help.
  5. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I know you're right. I expect perfection from myself, even though I know it's not realistic, or even possible. I've never forgotten it, but it hasn't been much of an issue for me for 5 years. Now it's come back to smack me in the face again. It's frustrating.

    It's always been so hard for me to ask for help. To admit needing help.
  6. LeaveMeAlone

    LeaveMeAlone Well-Known Member

    Striving towards perfection is an admirable goal, and something I can certainly relate to, I you aim for second best then that is ll you will ever achieve, but we do have to remember not to judge or to punish ourselves too harshly when we enevitably fall short. Trust in what your friends tell you, while you shouldn't take anyone elses judgement of you to heart, it is important to view others opinions for perspective. And remember you deserve help just as much as anyone else.
  7. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I do sometimes have to ask others for their perspective, as I sometimes don't trust how I'm perceiving things. And usually in those times, I'm not perceiving the situation the way everyone else it.

    I know I deserve the help. It's just hard to keep it in mind when things are hard.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are doing well bipolar kitty. Don't be down on yourself because the triggers are here. Your mind may be trying to sort things out and figure out just where all of this needs to be shelved. I would let your OBGYN know that you are more uncomfortble now than you have been in the past. If he is understanding, you could mention the triggering moments. You don't have to say anything at all, but in fairness to both of you i believe it would be to your benefit. Let us know how things go hun. :hug:
  9. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    I agree with leavemealone, its okay to be scared. good luck.
  10. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Well, I survived my appointment. :)

    I felt more comfortable telling his nurse before he came in that I was feeling pretty vulnerable and she was really understanding. When he came in he asked if I thought I could handle the exam. He was really sensitive. I told him yes, and he said he'd be very quick and gentle. Unfortunately, I did start to have a flashback and panic. He picked up on it and stopped right away. He talked to me, telling me that I was ok and that he wasn't going to hurt me. He just kept talking to me in a very soothing voice until I was able to get control of myself. I was so embarrassed. But he said don't be. That he understood how hard that was for me. Like I said, he's the best doctor.

    I've had a couple of panic attacks since the appointment and it's wearing me out. I hate those. But I'll be ok. It's starting to ease up a bit. I'm thinking of taking a nap or something. Get my mind off things for a while.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.