Dreaming Death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by galalleni, Feb 27, 2009.

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  1. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    I'm 24 years old. I live my parents, the government has put me on disability (full, SSI & SSDI) for my severe depression with psychotic features. I refer to myself as a 'unipolar' - never have mania, just deep deep pain and sadness for most of my life. My counselor acknowledges that my life has been really awful - the worst he's ever seen. My step father just lost his job, we might have to sell the house. I am feeling guilty because I want to die, but it would stop my payments to them - making the house foreclosed.

    My biological father disowned me - then he got luekemia and died. Had a lot of abuse as a kid (physical, emotional, mental, sexual, etc.) from many different sources.

    My councelor wants me to call him before I kill myself - but that guilt won't stop me - my resolve is very hardened. I've been putting off my suicide - but I've been recieving messages that tell me the end is nigh.

    I've tried several different ways to die - it's a lot harder than it seems. So I did my research and found cutting is only 1% of completed suicide, but I have a method available that is 33% of successful suicides. I've spent 10% of my life in psych wards (2.5 years total).

    I'm never going to be famous or remembered - just another drop of water in the ocean.

    I keep listening to Michael Andrews Mad World, and Cash's Hurt - it's giving me some comfort. I'm tired and fading away

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnmQcqlrWik

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go&feature=related
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Galalleni,
    You don't know me but I have seen you around..You don't have to do this!! There are always options you just need to find what works for you..Your post shows how much pain you are in, thats what caught my attention..Stay with us and let us give you a hand to help pull you up to being strong enough to deal with it on a dailey basis. Thats all any one can ask..I know it's tough living day by day but for people like us thats all we have..I'm a 52 year old male and was phsycologically abused all my life, and was sexually abused by another male when I was twelve..So I can feel some of your pain..I'm also on disability for several mental problems...Been in the hospital ten times in the last fourteen years..I would like to see you stay around here with us!! If you want to talk you can PM me anytime...I'm always available day and night.. I don't sleep much so you can usually find me up in the middle of the night..
     
  3. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Thanks Stranger One - I'm living on a day by day basis right now. Been crying, which I haven't done in years. Ditto on the abuse, except I was 7. Feel like I'm both young and old, hard to explain. Been between crying and deep sadness to mechanical coldness and numbness. Still feel strongly about stabbing myself, or ingesting poison - but, again, taking it on a day by day basis. Thanks.
     
  4. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Hey taking it day by day is all any of us can do.

    Hang in there!!!
     
  5. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hi galalleni,

    Tried the stabbing/ingestion last week - painful and shitty. Don't try it. :unsure: Life can be really hard with lifelong chronic malaise - I don't know much about beating it, but I do know that you don't always have to feel as low as you do. Please keep fighting it day by day.
     
  6. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    I'm sort of a hardened person, having grown up in an area where I got robbed at gunpoint, chained to a wall by unlawful police officers, let's see, what else. I mean the list of horrible things that have happened to me in my life is long I guess...... In a way, all the violence made me stronger though. Now, if someone would confront me, I actually get pumped up and would enjoy fighting someone twice my size even. Is this what anyone should do? Of course not... But I'm just trying to illustrate a point but in fact I'm not sure what the point is... heheh :laugh:

    But I digress.. Oh, I remember my point. It was that I'm probably more hardened that 99% of people but lately, even I myself have wanted to cry almost everyday. I guess for me, it's because I haven't done the things I want and also I'm lonely and am hopelessly disfunctional when it comes to relationships. So you're definitely not alone being sad.

    Have you ever tried learning a martial art and just totally kicking someone's a**? I mean, in the right place, safe professional... not like... commiting a crime. lol. Seriously though... Maybe something like that would help you "snap out of it." I'm sure there's something that can. I think those are called "awakening moments" where you just all of a sudden snap out of your frame of mind.

    I also like zen and stuff a lot now... relaxation music and stuff. I like The Secret Power Within by Chuck Norris. It's a great book for getting more peace and happiness.
     
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