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dreams of murder *may trigger*

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beware, it's long

mmmph I've been watching the whole board for about a year, I think
but I've never been posting since I kind of didn't see much sense to it. I kinda... have the feeling I'm a weak person when I'm being comforted and that's pretty much what the board's about, ne? Plus I believe there's mostly may trigger in the way my thoughts express themself.
anyway, hi, I'm mostly a long time cutter but I'm weird all in all and stuff :laugh: :waves hand: and I have nothing to do right now so I might try hanging around the place


what I wondered about was a dream I had last night, I woke up and typed it down straight away, so that's what I've typed, it's almost like a song

I helped a few bad executive boys commit suicide
here’s a story of the last one
we were out on some highway, he stopped his car
and went out with a gun, pointing it to his head
he was like nineteen, and he was very neat and orderly
he saw me and pointed the gun to me, telling me to get away
and I tried to talk to him, but reason was not present here
so, a black angel appeared on my side
he was like a copy of that boy, but dark and monochrome
he gave me a toy gun, a copy of the boys’
I pointed it to him, and that way we got to talk together
I sweettalked him into suicide being useless
and into trading our guns for no reason
while all that chatting went on, we approached some back alley
I led him in and smiled, saying, here’s your reason for life
and filled his head with one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, cartridge empty
so he grasped his head and started crying, falling down
behind us was quite a big street, it was about six in the morning, some people were out
and for some reason I put the gun on the floor and walked calmly away, feeling God
I saw a lady watching me leave the scene
she saw me and she saw the boy and I felt like she understood it more or less
but she did nothing and walked on, just threw a deep glance on me – our eyes crossed
weren’t she as freaky calm as me, in some same way
so I walked for round five minutes, then something told me to go back to the scene
I returned, smiled again at the dead body and picked up the gun
stuffed it inside my bag
people were going by the gun, which was lying closely to the big street, but
not noticing it they kinda accurately walked over it
a bus approached on that main street, quite full
I stuffed myself inside the crowd, feeling the heaviness of the gun in my bag
on the street, I crossed my eyes with the lady that saw it all for one last time, somehow
love and tenderness, out.


now, I've been thinking of murder before, and found it kind of appealing, more like a passive thought that it's something interesting
like, when you cut, you passively think of suicide, however, you don't cut to actually die, you cut since it /long story short/ comforts you [when I'm commonly cutting anyway]

anyway, I don't really understand this dream, since last time I actually thought about commiting murder was like September and I'm not sure what could have triggered this
funny enough, I was almost non-depressed for like two or three weeks because I left my home *it's seasonal, so I usually come back after a month or two* and I was busy enough, umm, surviving ^.^

the first words mean this is the end of the actual long dream which mostly consisted of me aiding in suicide to teen boys

Now I reread this, I get the thought the boys are reflections of myself, then again this would be perplexed too, since I would have a lot of personalities in that dream, then again it's OK for a dream.
The lady then could be my mother *she either hates me up to getting dead drunk and trying to kill me, that happens like once to three times a year but when she's dead drunk she lacks the ability to do it, so it's mostly a whole show >> or normally, she exists completely without me being away from home or watching TV 24/7 - anyway I feel noncaring about her*, got no dad
stuff like bad executive boys or love and tenderness are more figures of speech with little meaning whatsoever

and whatever;;

mmmmph not sure I should be typing this down but it's probably something good for myself, clears thoughts in a way

::perplexed:: you know, it's funny but I'm sitting here for twenty minutes and deciding whether to hit or not the sumbit new thread button
while I understand it abstractly makes no difference, this understanding makes me feel full of myself, which makes me despise myself ::perplexedx402439::

out of long thought chains, another thing I don't understand is why do you people do forums like this? Does it comfort you feeling like helping other people? Or what?

*shudder*
 
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