Had a dream this morning when I was asleep.. meh.. Its really a mix of past abuses.. I dreamt someone pulled me off my bed and force raped me and that I was living in some home where the only thing I got to eat was a sample of chicken on a toothpick.. Somehow I'm just numb to this.. I was told in the dream my rape was my own fault. eh.. maybe I agree somewhat.. Tbh I kind feel I should be abused and treated as trash anyway.. People should hate and abuse me.. Maybe that's why I still can't leave where I am living.. maybe I feel I deserve it.. Its my own fault.. I keep questioning that.. I don't think they realize the psychological pain they cause.. maybe its just me.. Maybe I'm looking more deeply then I should.. But if I am, why would my best friend agree it is extremely damaging living here.. idk right now I would take what happened in my dream over this.. I mean yeah I have no where else to go anyway.. So here I will stay.. breaking myself apart further until I find something better.. Whatever that is..