I dreamt about it, a black rushing river and an old rotten bridge. I had people around me, but they couldn’t see it, they where happy and surrounded by lights. I was dragged towards the water. It was one of the most scary feeling I’ve had, complete horror, yet I felt relieved. I was kind of happy about it actually, that I wouldn’t be to blame if I fell of, that people wouldn’t even give it a second thought. I kept those feelings, even though I woke up. It’s heavy, painful, cold and unknown and nobody knows. I won’t tell them, not anyone. It’s degrading and shameful… I have a happy life, friends and some family. And they all rely on me, even though I’m the youngest, they all have their problems. It’s unfitting for me to have problems, I can’t have problems if I’m supposed to help them right? I want to disappear, but not in a way they could blame me for. Unfortunate accidents happen, nothing to do about it, they can blame whatever they want that makes them feel better. The only thing that keeps me going is Tara (dog), but she’ll be gone within a year, maybe two at most. I probably have to put her to sleep soon, but that’s a part of life too, if it’s alive it’s going to go away eventually.