Drinking doesn't work

[StangerInAStrangeLand]

Howdy All,

You'd think several handles of vodka would be enough to do someone in - I got severely drunk last night (high tolerance, still awake). Took pills and smoked out to stop convulsions and keep stomach contents intact (lots and lots of pills, bought a 3mo. supply from someone, over two times the LD50 for the meds). Wasn't even my plan to die - just sort of a spur of the moment thing - my mind isn't right I know - but I feel like I have to end it all, the urge to die is overwhelming - I'm doing everything in my power, it just ain't working. Wish this was easier - tired of taking peoples time and resources trying to reach this end - about to do <method> that works for sure, but I have a date for it, not going to do it any earlier (if I don't die before then).

 

[dazzle11215]

you know that urge to self-destruct? don't listen to it. i know you are desperate to stop the pain, and who wouldn't want it to stop but you have been hurt enough.

i recently realized, looking back at my own life, that although the abuse i suffered from others ended when i left home 24 years ago, in a way i kept it going by various self-harming behaviours. i'm only figuring out now that i don't have to keep punishing myself.

galalleni, you are not taking anyone's time and resources -- we want to help. do you go back to the counsellor this week? could you call a hotline in the meantime? please stay safe and do not give in to those urges.

 

[StangerInAStrangeLand]

Can't stop crying right now - my mind has gotten to a point that I realize how horrible things have gone in my life - not sure how I'm going to continue. Talked a young man out of suicide last night - he started doing cocaine and drank a handle of vodka with me - he's intensely suicidal - had to convince him that there was more to life for him. All the things I told him are no longer options for me (he has family who still care about him, friends and family, love and a future in this god-forsaken world). This world seems purely like a hell to me - I've tried 8 different ways to die - none successful because they ended up being based on my survival instinct (8 different methods).

Please help me free myself from this hell - I can't continue - my mind is too ravaged and tormented.

 

[StangerInAStrangeLand]

This is too much I just can't go on - this sadness has ravaged my mind - I can't go on. I don't know how to go on - my heart is broken - my mind destroyed - I am heading out to the train tracks - see if a train doesn't come by (has been on an awkward schedule lately).

Please just free me from this torment, god, if only I could be free from this pain and suffering.

 

[dazzle11215]

galalleni, just stay away from those train tracks, okay? i know you don't want to die, you just want the pain to end. that's why you looked up a counsellor last week, that's why you want help (but not at the price of being inpatient again)... let your counsellor, even though they are new to you, help. you can call the hotline, or just go to bed and have a long nap. please don't give up.