all the comments and concerns on my situation are very generous. but as I sit day after day drinking bloody mary after bloody mary, things have finally come clear to me. I drink to make the numbness and emptyness feel like something. as for my husband any reaction to my situation would be horrible. I refuse to be "locked up" again. I would rather be dead than anything, especially if living ment therapy and institutionalization. I won't go back to the psych wards. never! I haven't figured out when i'll do it, but I know it will be within the next week, perhaps the next few days, or hours. I at least have to wait until my husband comes home. I won't leave my daughter home alone. "He'll eventually realize he's better off without me..." a quote from my journal. I'm only doing the people closest to me a favor. they will find some one better(much more normal at least) to replace." no sence in crying over spilt milk" I'm the mild and I'm ready to spill!!!!