As I'm sitting here writing this I am drunk. It's 3 in the afternoon on a Sunday and I don't give a damn. I was drunk yesterday and the day before that. Technically everything should be fine with me, I should be thankful for all the things I have and have achieved. I came to this new town a half a year ago with almost no friends and no social circle, broken down after an abusive relationship. Now I have a social circle and several friends, I am well liked by people here and engage in many social activities. I'm not even really depressed anymore, I can do things again that bring me joy and fulfillment. Still there is a gaping hole inside me that I can't seem to fill. It's hard to explain but every day seems so very pointless, I've become a junkie to quick fixes of dopamin (alchol is certainly a good one). I've started considering drinking myself to death. Not in the way of overdosing or anything, just a life of total debauchery until my body gives in. For a long time I thought I needed to be successful with women but I can't even care about that much anymore. I've grown aware of my problems regarding them and know I could be really successful if I applied myself enough (I've gotten enough indication of that). Still I'm just the happiest sitting in my chair drinking myself into oblivion listening to good music. I see a therapist and eat medicine but honestly it doesn't give me anything. The thought of just letting everything go and enjoying the ride gives me peace, probably the only thing that does.