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Driving myself INSANE grrrr

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Butterfly, Jan 29, 2011.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am sorry I seem to keep posting stuff. I feel really low this evening. I am close to cutting I just don't know what to do with myself. I have had next to no sleep for about two and a half weeks. I am tired but can't sleep. My head hurts so much. And just all these thoughts going round my head. I feel so alone right now. Just like I am all the frigging time.

    I guess I am hurting about things in the past. I really thought I was over it all but I am obviously not. Me and my fiance are in a long distance relationship as we are at different universities. I feel at a loss. I try and tell him how I feel. How lonely and how sad I am. All he says is he wishes he was here. I am getting fed up. He wasn't here when I had a miscarriage, I went through that all on my own. He was hardly here when I had to watch my dad go through devastating depression, my grandad dying. All he did was tell me to pull myself together when I was sad. He's also done other things that have hurt me and because of my state of mind I am so paranoid. I keep saying to him I am sorry for hurting you but he just ignores me all the time and pretends everything is ok. The other week he told me he was finishing me because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I was devastated that he would even suggest that. I was so upset that I cut myself for the first time in 4 years. I don't think he can handle me the way I am right now. He was set against me going on anti depressants because doesn't want me to "live the rest of my life on pills with a false sense of happiness". And because I am still feeling low he thinks its all the pills fault cos its "messing with my mind". I am adjusting to them. I have only taken them for 6 days and he seems to think its a miracle cure!!!! I know I am ranting about him. He really isn't at all terrible, its just the fact he doesn't understand how I feel and how upset I am that he refuses to believe how low I am.

    Because of things in the past I feel like, well I feel like a bit of a jealous cow really. My fiance has always been friends with girls and I have been totally ok with it. All of his housemates are girls. But I just resent them. Not because I think they are upto no good but they all have fun together, without me. I tihnk it is partly cos he doesn't communicate when hes going out and part of it is worry and part of it is envy. Hes always telling them our problems and even says they tell him what to say to me. I am fed up of it all. People have interferred with me and my fiance from day 1 and I am getting tiresome. I am also fed up of good for nothing lousy ex friends who just keep spreading rumours about me even though I havent been involved in their life for years. But because of our friendship groups I find out all the shit they have said. I am also stressed with university on top of this and I feel like I am breaking. I am so so so so tired. I just want some sleep and my fiance. But I know I am not going to get either.

    I really feel like I am losing the plot tonight, I really dont know what to do with myself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    first off don't be sorry for posting okay that is what this site is for You can vent post all your feeling out here and no one will judge you

    second you are not alone now okay we are here and care aboutyou. You said you have not slept well have you gone to your doctor and ask for some medications to help you sleep. Might be a good idea

    Try doing something you enjoy okay art music sports to distract you mind hugs okay
  3. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    I know he does not understand the pain you went through with your miscarriage thats is really a traumatic thing to go through. I am also sorry about your grandfather dying right after you had your miscarriage. Please let us help you please you've been through enough where you would think about being Suicidal . Maybe your BF should transfer to your College and be there 100% for you instead of not being there. Oh you don't have to be sorry he should be the one Apologizing to you. He's not being a Good BF in my Opinion you should let him go
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I agree with Nima about him not being a very good BF when it came to you having the miscarrage. How it is now may just be that he has no understanding at all and it effects the way he is. However, I don't agree about the him transferring to the same college as you. If things are meant to be between you things will work themselves out.

    In the first few weeks of taking antidepressants you will feel worse. They say it can take about 8 weeks before you notice any difference. So try not to worry too much about that. You did really well for not cutting for 4 years. You have obs gone through some really tough times before and got through it so remember that and you can do it again.

    I know it's a few days since you posted so I was wondering how you were now? Have you managed to get some sleep. Most universities offer free counselling, some even have their own nightline which you can call for over the phone counselling. If you don't have this in place at yours try focusline. They are worth calling. Carry on writing. Use it as a distraction tool it can also help getting everything out. If you are still having trouble with your sleep it may be worth going back to your GP and asking for a couple of sleeping pills. They are usually quite reluctant to give them out but if you just ask for a couple of nights supply just so you can get back in to a sleep routine again then they may be happier doing that.

    Anyway, hope things are getting better and carry on posting

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