I am sorry I seem to keep posting stuff. I feel really low this evening. I am close to cutting I just don't know what to do with myself. I have had next to no sleep for about two and a half weeks. I am tired but can't sleep. My head hurts so much. And just all these thoughts going round my head. I feel so alone right now. Just like I am all the frigging time. I guess I am hurting about things in the past. I really thought I was over it all but I am obviously not. Me and my fiance are in a long distance relationship as we are at different universities. I feel at a loss. I try and tell him how I feel. How lonely and how sad I am. All he says is he wishes he was here. I am getting fed up. He wasn't here when I had a miscarriage, I went through that all on my own. He was hardly here when I had to watch my dad go through devastating depression, my grandad dying. All he did was tell me to pull myself together when I was sad. He's also done other things that have hurt me and because of my state of mind I am so paranoid. I keep saying to him I am sorry for hurting you but he just ignores me all the time and pretends everything is ok. The other week he told me he was finishing me because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I was devastated that he would even suggest that. I was so upset that I cut myself for the first time in 4 years. I don't think he can handle me the way I am right now. He was set against me going on anti depressants because doesn't want me to "live the rest of my life on pills with a false sense of happiness". And because I am still feeling low he thinks its all the pills fault cos its "messing with my mind". I am adjusting to them. I have only taken them for 6 days and he seems to think its a miracle cure!!!! I know I am ranting about him. He really isn't at all terrible, its just the fact he doesn't understand how I feel and how upset I am that he refuses to believe how low I am. Because of things in the past I feel like, well I feel like a bit of a jealous cow really. My fiance has always been friends with girls and I have been totally ok with it. All of his housemates are girls. But I just resent them. Not because I think they are upto no good but they all have fun together, without me. I tihnk it is partly cos he doesn't communicate when hes going out and part of it is worry and part of it is envy. Hes always telling them our problems and even says they tell him what to say to me. I am fed up of it all. People have interferred with me and my fiance from day 1 and I am getting tiresome. I am also fed up of good for nothing lousy ex friends who just keep spreading rumours about me even though I havent been involved in their life for years. But because of our friendship groups I find out all the shit they have said. I am also stressed with university on top of this and I feel like I am breaking. I am so so so so tired. I just want some sleep and my fiance. But I know I am not going to get either. I really feel like I am losing the plot tonight, I really dont know what to do with myself.